Hollywood Babble On & On #1166: Random Snark Attack!

MONEY MADE / MONEY PAID:

Lionsgate made a wee miscalculation when putting together boss-man's Jon Feltheimer's compensation, announcing he was getting $63.6 million then said "Whoopsie" and corrected the amount to $66.3 million.

Apparently they left a sack of money behind his desk.

Now some will say "That's too much!" and scream about fairness, and inequality and I will have to say: Balderdash!

The only question that should come up are the same questions that should be asked when it comes to movie star salaries:

DOES THE PERSON IN QUESTION MAKE MONEY FOR THE SHAREHOLDERS?

IS THE AMOUNT BEING PAID TO THE PERSON IN QUESTION COMMENSURATE TO THE MONEY THEY'RE MAKING FOR THE SHAREHOLDERS?

If the answer to both questions is "YES" then there is no problem, no unfairness, and it isn't too much.

Now the key point is that the company's Board of Directors and the shareholders should know the answers to those questions. If they don't then neither are doing their job.

NBC GETS PANNED, SORT OF…

Following the ratings gold of Sound of Music Live, NBC is putting together another live musical, this time it's Peter Pan. In keeping with tradition of casting a woman as the boy who never grew up they cast Allison Williams of HBO's Girls in the title role.

Some are criticizing it as nepotism since her father is the anchorman for NBC Nightly News, but in fact they chose the Girls actress because they wanted to cast someone the audience has never heard of.

GYPSY: FLOGGING A DEAD HORSE

Speaking of musicals, Barbara Streisand's long stagnant remake of the musical Gypsy has come back from the dead at Universal. Streisand will direct and star as the title character's domineering stage mother Momma Rose, because Momma Rose gets all the show-stopper songs.

I wrote about this three years ago when it was going to be made at Warner Bros. and said that the project would cost way too much for the size of the audience and that Streisand wasn't as big a name as she was in the 1970s, and even then wasn't as big outside of Hollywood as she was inside Hollywood. Which is the key why this dead horse is still being flogged. Within Hollywood she's the 800 pound gorilla who gets whatever the gorilla wants.

WANNA PLAY A GAME?:

I stumbled on a picture of something while doing research and I thought we'd have a little fun with it.

I know what this object is…

…the question is DO YOU?

Can any of my readers, who I hope are fiends for obscure trivia, identify that object and tell me what it is, simply for bragging rights?

FUN & GAMES: The Return of THE TRANSLATION GAME!

It's back, that game that confused and frustrated all two of my readers. But don't worry, I'm not going to be as hard on you as last time.

The object is simple. I've taken some famous quotes, and run them through the Babel Fish translator, from English--to another language-- and then back to English. It's your job to figure out which movies these quotes come from. The person with the most correct answers wins a fabulous prize.*

And I'll even toss in a clue. They are all from 80s action movies.

1. You want to know the secret to the æreo travel of survival? After that you obtain where you' king to go, removes your ice-skates and your socks therefore walk around on the foot knot of the blanket and make the fists with your tips.

2. I have got no time to draw off

3. The machines names of ash of the core fire. Their war humanity from to row for decades had raged, but the definite battle would not be fought in the future. , In our present here are fought. This night…

4. YOU are the sickness, and I' m the treatment

It should be easy for action movie aficionados.

*Fabulous prize exists only in the blogger's fevered imagination and is not actually real.

FUN & GAMES: Scenes that Should Have Been...

Here's the game. Make up a scene that you think should have been in a famous movie but wasn't. Points for originality, humour, and the winning entry will be honoured with the fact that he or she amused me for a moment.

Here's a sample:

STAR WARS- EPISODE 1: THE PHANTOM MENACE LOST SCENE

INT. MOTEL ROOM ON TATOOINE --MORNING

A hung-over OBI WAN KENOBI wakes up in a thoroughly mussed up and stained bed. Lying next to him is a rather trashy looking young woman named DEBBIE.

DEBBIE

Morning my little love Jedi. Can I see your light sabre again?

OBI-WAN

How much did I drink last night?

DEBBIE

You knocked out that Wookie you challenged to a drinking contest.

OBI-WAN

(checks watch)

Look at the time, I gotta go... It's been lovely to meet you... uh....?

DEBBIE

My name's Debbie.

Obi-Wan gets up and starts putting on his pants.

OBI-WAN

I'll call you Debbie. I really will.

DEBBIE

You never did tell me your name Sugar.

OBI-WAN

It's.... umm....uh...

(looks at his own hand)

Hand... my name is Hand....

Sees an empty box of Solar brand condoms on the floor.

OBI-WAN

Solar. My name is Hand Solar.

DEBBIE

Han Solo... what a nice sounding name.

OBI-WAN

I'll call you.

Obi-Wan leaves.

DEBBIE

I'll never forget you Han. Hmmm... did I remember my birth control pill yesterday?

THE END

What can you come up with to amuse me?

Fun & Games: The Translation Game 2 (Answer Edition)

Oy gevalt!

Not one guess, let alone a winning one, for last week's edition of The Translation Game, I guess I made it a little too hard. So, here are the answers...

1. What makes? It goes behind man! That is to say to kill me at once that bad which can prove!

Dog Day Afternoon: What's he doing? Go back there man! He wants to kill me so bad he can taste it!

2. Reality is that we do not wash our own laundry - it receive more dirtily right.

Serpico: The reality is that we do not wash our own laundry - it just gets dirtier.

3. They have it with the original forces of nature, Mr Beale geeinmischt, and I do not have it. It is it free? They think that you stopped only one business agreement? That is not the case. The Arabs took billion dollars of this country, and now they must place it return. It is a low tide and a river, of tide revolved. It is an ecological balance. They are an old man who thinks expressed in the nations and the people. Do not give nations; do not give people. Do not give Russians. Do not give Arabs. There is no Third World. There is no west. There is only holistic one system of the systems; who, influencing is closely dependent, one on the other considerable one, multivaried, multinational capacity the dollar.

Network: You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Mr. Beale, and I won't have it. Is that clear? You think you've merely stopped a business deal? That is not the case. The Arabs have taken billions of dollars out of this country, and now they must put it back. It is ebb and flow, tidal gravity. It is ecological balance. You are an old man who thinks in terms of nations and peoples. There are no nations; there are no peoples. There are no Russians. There are no Arabs. There are no third worlds. There is no West. There is only one holistic system of systems; one vast, interwoven, interacting, multivaried, multinational dominion of dollars.

4. I made money sufficiently to satisfer my necessities and mine whims. I only make examination of such cases that keep while I interest, and I am legalizing, my interest for its in case that that he is, uh... that he diminishes.

Murder on the Orient Express: I have made enough money to satisfy both my needs and my caprices. I take only such cases now as interest me, and to be frank, my interest in your case is, uh... dwindling.

5. That what I would have to make are, they strike the fat bastard over the head with those macis here, then they bury it in a enough large hole in order to repair its bloat and then they transmit small its masterpiece outside under mine just name.


Deathtrap: What I should do is, beat the fat bastard over the head with that mace over there, then bury him in a hole big enough to accomodate his bloat, and then send his little masterpiece off under my own name.

Be sure to check out next Sunday when I will go a little bit easier on you folks.

Fun & Games: The Translation Game 2

Hello it's time once again to play....

Today we have some real toughies for all you players out there.

The rules are simple. I've taken some lines and speeches from some famous films, and run them through the Babel Fish translator, some several times, until they are linguistic linguine. You have to identify what movies they come from to win a FABULOUS STUPENDOUS PRIZE!*

And there's a bonus game, all these quotes have something in common. Spot that commonality and win another FABULOUS STUPENDOUS PRIZE!**

So let's play the game!

1. What makes? It goes behind man! That is to say to kill me at once that bad which can prove!

2. Reality is that we do not wash our own laundry - it receive more dirtily right.

3. They have it with the original forces of nature, Mr Beale geeinmischt, and I do not have it. It is it free? They think that you stopped only one business agreement? That is not the case. The Arabs took billion dollars of this country, and now they must place it return. It is a low tide and a river, of tide revolved. It is an ecological balance. They are an old man who thinks expressed in the nations and the people. Do not give nations; do not give people. Do not give Russians. Do not give Arabs. There is no Third World. There is no west. There is only holistic one system of the systems; who, influencing is closely dependent, one on the other considerable one, multivaried, multinational capacity the dollar.

4. I made money sufficiently to satisfer my necessities and mine whims. I only make examination of such cases that keep while I interest, and I am legalizing, my interest for its in case that that he is, uh... that he diminishes.

5. That what I would have to make are, they strike the fat bastard over the head with those macis here, then they bury it in a enough large hole in order to repair its bloat and then they transmit small its masterpiece outside under mine just name.

So get working on it now.

HINT ALERT-HINT ALERT

Since you folks seem to be really suffering out there, I'm going to tell you what these quotes all have in common to make your task a little easier.

They all come from films directed by SYDNEY LUMET.

Now you can show your stuff!

___________________________

And if you have a question about movies, the movie business, or pop culture in general, CLICK HERE and leave your name and question, before next Thursday at Midnight, and I will answer it (or fake my way through it) next Friday!

*Fabulous stupendous prize does not exist.

**Neither does this one.

Fun & Games: The Translation Game

It's time to play!Here are the rules.

I've taken some classic movie quotes and run them through the Babel-Fish translator into foreign languages and then back to English, mangling them thoroughly.

Identify the movie the quote came from in the comments, be sure to leave a name for yourself, and you will win a MASSIVE INCREDIBLE PRIZE*!!

SO LET'S PLAY THE GAME!

1. "Fixed yours seatbelts. It is going to be one irregular night ."

2. "Round raising those upward usual suspected."

3. "Which we here have. is to be been located to disturbance in connection."

4. "I will introduce one proposed that it cannot refuse."

5. "When you must draw, to draw. You do not communicate."

_____________________________
*Prize does not exist.

UPDATE: WE HAVE A WINNER

Dark Eden handily won the first round of The Translation Game and won our glorious non-existent prize with these answers!

1. "Fixed yours seatbelts. It is going to be one irregular night ."

Fasten your seatbelts. Its going to be a bumpy night. - - All About Eve

2. "Round raising those upward usual suspected."

Round up the usual Suspects - Casablanca

3. "Which we here have. is to be been located to disturbance in connection."

What we have here is a failure to communicate. -- Cool Hand Luke

4. "I will introduce one proposed that it cannot refuse."

I'll make him an offer he can't refuse. - Godfather

5. "When you must draw, to draw. You do not communicate."

When you have to shoot, shoot. Don't talk. -- The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Give a round of applause for Dark Eden!

And be sure to check out next Sunday with more obscure quotes that have been run through the translation wringer!

FUN & GAMES: Who is the Next Who?

You're always hearing media folks declare that a certain actor's going to be "the next James Dean," or "the next Marylin Monroe" and directors are always seen as "the next Hitchcock" or "the next Spielberg."

Well now is your turn.

Tell me who do you think will be the next whoever, and be sure to include your reasons.

Now get going!

I'll be writing more about the movie business as soon as someone screws up.

___________________________________

UPDATE: Judging from the impassioned, and sarcastic, reactions, I think my little game made its point.

You see, you can't really tell which actor is going to be the next Cary Grant or what writer is going to be the next JK Rowling. They and their work exist as the product of certain people working within a certain zeitgeist. Trying to recreate that rare combination is like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube, impossible.

So what can a wannabe media mogul do if not try to rehash the classics of the past, if only in publicity?

Well, those "classics" came along because someone saw something new, and figured it was the right time to run with it. And I think this obsession with the past is one of the things killing Hollywood.

Thus endeth the lesson.

Now, someone in the business end of Hollywood better do something dumb, or this is going to have to turn into another gossip blog. ;)

FUN & GAMES: The Remake Game

Michael Caine is alleged to have said that Hollywood shouldn't remake classics, but failures.

He has a point.

How many times have you seen a movie that had a kernel of a good idea that was sadly trapped in a big steaming pile of cinematic feces?

So here's the game: Pick a film that should be remade. One that had a clever concept, but a poor execution. Detail as much about this project as you like: stars, director, writer, whatever you thinks will make the story work.

FUN & GAMES: Caption Time!

"We don't need The Force when I have The Perm!"

Gotta better caption for this picture.

Fun & Games: The Ending Game...

Okay, ever watched a movie and thought the ending should have been waaaay different. Ever thought of how the films should have ended?

Well now it's your turn to entertain me with your ideas for how famous films should have ended!

I'll get the ball rolling:

THE MATRIX TRILOGY- My version would have ended with Neo discovering that Morpheus's bosses are in fact a doomsday cult descended from the same people who started the war that made the surface uninhabitable. The machines have been fighting them in order to save the human race, who they've kept alive in the Matrix while they rebuilt the surface world. Neo then has to join the machines and destroy his former allies. It ends with Neo fusing his brain with the Matrix, protecting humanity from new iterations of the doomsday cult until the reconstruction of the surface is completed.

I thought of that ending because I thought Morpheus' story about using people as batteries as pretty damn lame and having it turn out to be a big fat lie would be a nice twist.

So, what new endings would you have preferred to see?

Fun & Games: Caption Time

Gotta caption for this picture?

Leave it in the comments.

Fun & Games: Caption Contraption

Do you have a caption for this picture.
Click for full view...

Leave your caption in the comments.

The Strike is over...

So it's time to party like it's on sale for $19.99.

Plus, with the end of the strike comes the end of my boycott of DVDs.

I picked up a classic film at my local discount bin. If you can guess what film it is by this picture...

You win an extra special prize.*

*Extra special as in non-existent.

Fun & Games: Adaptation Fabulation

You know, it's time for a little reader participation.

I've been entertaining you, now it's your turn to entertain me. Besides with the writer's strike moving into the realm of contract language and legalese, and not in the vague theories I specialize in, I need filler material.

This is a game I used to play on a film forum a few years ago before the poseurs took it over, and it was inspired by a hoax-story about Orson Welles, a known fan of comic books, trying to make his own all-star version of Batman, only to have it nixed in pre-production.

But it got me thinking.

Imagine that you have an unlimited budget, a favourite novel/comic book you want to adapt, and a time-machine capable of getting you any actor from movie history to star in it.

Now, what story would you adapt, and what stars from the past or present would you have starring in it.

Post your ideas in the comments section and be sure to have at least a nickname to go with it. Don't be anonymous, be loud and proud.

Try it and let your imagination run wild, it's actually a lot of fun.