Saturday Silliness Cinema: These Are People Who Died

Welcome to the show folks...

Today I take my usual break from ranting and raving about the business behind pop culture to have a laugh. This time it is a laugh tinged with sadness, because we're looking at what became a pretty harsh month for stand-up comedy. Let's just say that no hacks died in September, only good ones.

September 3 saw the passing of comedian Robert Schimmel, who survived heart attacks, cancer, cirrhosis of the liver, and two divorces, only to die in a car accident. Now his comedy was very sexually explicit, but he transcended his material by going beyond simple dirty words and sexual situations to deal with the embarrassment and awkwardness inherent in those situations in a style that can be described as uncensored in every sense of the word. Sit back and enjoy, but make sure you're wearing headphones because this language and subject matter is EXTREMELY NSFW.

September 29th marked the passing of Greg Giraldo, who died from a drug overdose after performing at an addiction awareness benefit, thus adding the sort of irony he loved to exploit in his appearances on the Comedy Central Roasts. Giraldo's specialty was rage, but where lesser comedians simply ranted and raved, hoping more for cheers of agreement than laughter, Giraldo worked for laughs and worked very hard.

Here's an appearance on the Jimmy Kimmel Show, enjoy it.

Let's remember these great comedians for the laughs, I think they would have wanted it that way.

RIP: Stephen J. Cannell

If you were a kid growing up in the 1970s or 1980s then you were extremely familiar with this little video clip:

Familiar, because that clip probably marked the end of the show you were just watching and enjoying. Well, the man featured in that clip, writer, producer, novelist Stephen J. Cannell passed away last night at the age of 69 from complications from a long battle with melanoma.

He started out as a humble television writer, selling his first script to It Takes A Thief in 1968, bopping around from show to show, as a writer and script editor, before becoming a successful creator and producer of his own shows, starting with The Rockford Files.

During his career he wrote over 450 TV episodes, and created or co created over 40 TV series, eventually branching into novels. His specialty was escapist crime and adventure dramas ladled with healthy servings of action, humor, and quirky characters. This accomplishment is made even more impressive by his lifelong battle with dyslexia.

He also showed me, when I was a kid, that not only was it possible to be a successful writer for TV, but that a writer could also become master of their own fate they worked hard and worked smart.

He will be greatly missed. Rest in peace Mr. Cannell, and enjoy working on that big electric typewriter in the sky.

Hollywood Babble On & On #604: Even More Drippings From My Brain Pan

Welcome to the show folks....

DON'T YOU HAVE TO READ BEFORE YOU CAN WRITE?

Gallery Books have decided to waste some money publishing a novel being "written" by reality TV skank star/fake tan aficionado Snooki from the Jersey Shore.

How can I sum up this story in a way that even Snooki can understand?

A novel by someone who can't write
Marketed at people who don't read
By a publisher who doesn't care

Let's look at the facts behind this story that show it's even sadder than just being a sign of the end of western civilization.

1. The advance Ms. Snooki got probably could have paid several authors to produce real books for real readers. Instead it's being pissed away on the vain hope that a trashy minor TV celebrity will somehow be a magic pill for a best-seller.

2. The money is being wasted because:

A. Snooki's target audience are people who like to look down on her in order to feel better about themselves, and low-level white trash who look up to her. One wouldn't buy her book because they don't really think she has any value beyond being a punchline, and the others, those who aspire to Snookiness, don't read books.

B. More of these "celebrity" books fail than succeed, it's a simple fact. Readers will shell out their hard earned shekels only if they think the book will be entertaining. They want something that will make them laugh, or give them some dirt to dish, or a story of triumph over tragedy, but they don't want a book that makes them wince with discomfort because it has a plot that can summarized by the words: "Tan, drink, screw."

Anyway, at least when civilization collapses I now have a planet to go hide on in the faster-than-light spaceship I've been building in my backyard. It'll be complete as soon as I can bend the laws of time and space without unleashing unnatural horrors upon the planet. Because I really hate cleaning up after them.

BRITISH BOOB TUBE BOONDOGGLES?

ITV SINKS A SHOW?

British commercial broadcaster ITV is currently sniffing around for American partners for a lavish miniseries about the sinking of the cruise ship Titanic for broadcast on the 100th anniversary of the ship's sinking.

Oy...I myself don't think this is a very good idea. Why?

1. It's been done, really hugely, by James Cameron in 1997. You might remember the movie, it did very well in theaters. Plus the film is being re-released in 3D for the same anniversary in Hollywood's never-ending quest to suck every penny from anything they can.

2. Everyone knows how the story ends. Ship sinks, people die.

WILL THE BBC GO AMERICAN?

There's a debate going on at the venerable BBC over whether they will keep their limited-run series format, or whether they will go to a more American production style.

If you don't already know, British networks like the BBC produce their shows very differently from American networks. American networks produce 22-25 episodes a season, for an open ended multi-season run, and they are written by a large team of writers overseen by an executive producer who acts as the "show-runner" trying to maintain a sense of coherence, continuity, and consistency.

British shows do not have open ended runs divided into seasons. Instead, they create a "series" consisting of 6 episodes on average, and many of these are not traditional episodic narratives composed of smaller stories wrapped up in 1 hour chunks. Instead they opt for a single narrative arc over all the episodes with a clear beginning, middle, and an end. If the show is a success, another "series" can be ordered, but only if the scripts are available, because these shows aren't created by large conference rooms full of writers, but have either single authors, or a very small team working very closely together under the guidance of the show's creator.

While British shows sell well overseas, but they have to compete in the rerun market at a disadvantage with American shows in terms of both budgets and sheer numbers of episodes.

Personally, I don't think Britain's small TV producing community is actually capable of producing in the big American style. In fact, I don't think many American shows should have been made in that style either. NBC's Heroes should have been done and dusted in the first season instead of trying to go on and on, with no plan or idea of what the hell they were going to do.

So I think both sides should aim for a middle ground. The USA should bring back the miniseries, and possibly Richard Chamberlain, while the Brits can figure out where they can go longer than normal without losing the sort of quality found in shows like Stephen Moffat's Sherlock.

TIME FOR A PALATE CLEANSER

A little goodbye song for Jeff Zucker courtesy of the Jimmy Kimmel Show.

Hollywood Babble On & On #603: Random Drippings From My Brain Pan

Welcome to the show folks...

Time for a little post about little things that either bug me, or excite me.

STAR WHORES?

George Lucas has announced that he will re-release all 6 Star Wars movies, in chronological order, starting with Phantom Menace, one a year, and in 3D.

This means two things:

1. George Lucas likes money, and the thought of sucking some more out of his once venerable franchise with deliberately higher ticket prices, is just too much to resist.

2. I will bet dollars to donuts that George is going to tinker with the movies all even more than when he did those "Special Editions" with all the extra CGI and making Greedo shoot first.

I'm not sure 3D is even going to last much longer. Basically it's a novelty that Hollywood and the theater chains love, and not for its entertainment and artistic value. Hollywood loves it because it allows them to squander more of their investor's money on an alleged panacea to the many years of dwindling audiences and returns. Theater chains love it because it allows them to jack up the prices, at first to cover the costs of converting the theaters, keep them high, and then jack them up again at the flimsiest excuse.

I don't have any problem with a guy trying to make a buck. Make as much as much money as you can, but this whole thing kind of reeks of grave robbing to me. Normally I'd say that Lucas should move on and try to do something new, but that would be bad advice because whenever Lucas does something new, and doesn't have someone watching over him, you end up with Howard The Duck and Jar-Jar Binks.

Anyway, let's move onto other things...

CHANNEL 4 PAID WHAT?

The UK's public/commercial hybrid network Channel 4 recently canceled their version of the reality show Big Brother, and are now using the £60-£65 million they normally paid for the rights to the franchise over the normal 3 year run of their contract to produce more comedies and dramas.

Think about that for a second.

They were paying £60+ million to Endemol Entertainment for just the rights to produce their own version of Big Brother for 3 years. Take into consideration the exchange rates and Channel 4 was dumping a minimum of 31,000,000+ US dollars a year before a single episode was even filmed. Include the costs of production, promotion, and other crap and it's a boondoggle of immense proportions.

Why?

If you don't know why, then ask yourself this question: Why do networks do reality TV shows like Big Brother?

Networks do reality TV shows like Big Brother because they are supposed to be cheaper than making dramas and comedies which make up for the long term profits that would most likely be squandered paying residuals to the people who actually made the shows. Yet here they are spending enough to make two dramas, or four comedy series every year, for a reality show that's supposed to be super cheap.

Channel 4 was being taken to the cleaners royally be Endemol, and whoever negotiated that contract seriously needs to learn a thing or two about business. Here is what they should have considered in those negotiations.

1. It's harder to sell episodes of a reality show from one country in another country than it is to sell comedies and dramas. That's why producers like Endemol license out the format to the different countries so they can produce their own versions of the show.

2. Reality shows have a short shelf life when it comes to reruns, unlike dramas and comedies that can run indefinitely in some markets. People can re-enjoy a comedy, or a drama, but it's hard for them to re-enjoy a bunch of narcissists back-stabbing each other without the benefit of murder to liven things up.

3. Reality shows are supposed to be great money savers, that make room for short term quarterly profits. They aren't supposed to be money-pits before a single frame of footage is shot.

Did anyone at Channel 4 even try to haggle over that price? I mean, there were lots of reasons for them to haggle, 60,000,000+ reasons over three years for them to haggle. I mean what's the point of cutting drama and comedy production for the instant gratification of short term reality TV profits, when all those profits end up going to pay for the rights to a format you could probably rip off anyway for a lot less.

My advice to Channel 4, find someone who knows how to play a little hardball, or you're just going to get taken for another ride.

Dear David Simon

AN OPEN LETTER TO DAVID SIMON

Dear Mr. Simon.

Can I call you David, Dave, Davy Crockett: King of the Wild Frontier?

Okay, Mr. Simon it is.

I heard you just won a $500,000 MacArthur Foundation Genius Grant.

CONGRATULATIONS!

You've done brilliant and groundbreaking work in TV, and that's all well and good, but I'm sure you are weighed down with liberal guilt over getting the money when so many are suffering through these tough economic times.

And let's not forget the taxes, Uncle Sam's going to take his piece of that money, and with it a good sized chunk of your hide.

So here's what you need to do with that money.

Give it away.

I'm not talking about giving it away to just any charity. I'm talking about giving it to a specific charity, one guaranteed to help someone in need.

I'm talking about:
Sure you could give the $500,000 to some celebrity endorsed charity, and maybe 1.2% of that money might actually end up helping someone who isn't already rich, if you're lucky. Or you can just send the money to ME, and I can guarantee that 100% of that $500,000 will go toward getting a poor person, namely ME, the lavish, luxurious and decadent lifestyle I wish to become accustomed to.

So get that check cashed, then pack a box with small unmarked bills, and send that package to ME. Just drop me a line, and I'll send you the address.

Then tell all your Hollywood friends to give too.

Hollywood Babble On & On #602: NBC: Now Burke's Channel

Welcome to the show folks...

It's official, Jeff Zucker, NBC-Universal's long time el jefe has been fired, effective as soon as the Comcast takeover is finalized, and replaced by Comcast's #2 Steve Burke.

There are two fundamental facts that I would like to say about Mr. Burke.

1. He cannot possibly do any worse.

2. He is going to have his work cut out for him.

Under Zucker's lack of leadership NBC went from being the #1 network and home to mega-hits like Seinfeld and Friends to being beaten by the gardening channel, while Universal Studios suffered a severe slump with money burning mega-flops like Land of the Lost.

Some reports, like this one, say that he's tough, straightforward, willing to take carefully calculated risks, who dislikes sycophants, leaks, the sort of toxic office politics that distract from the business of running a successful company.

That can only mean that heads are going to roll at NBC, which has the reputation as one of Hollywood's most dysfunctional and treacherous corporate cultures. Remember, this is Hollywood we're talking about, so you can just imagine what kind of a snake-pit the place is.

So I'd like to take a moment, and lay out what Mr. Burke will probably have to do to get the network and the studio back on its feet.

FIXING NBC:

1. Stop Zucker's Inane & Insane "Margin Game." One of the reasons Zucker was such a disaster was because he tried to take the audience out of the equation. He though that as long as the shows were cheap enough, had enough product placements, and no outside partners, he could somehow squeeze out a profit from shows that didn't have any viewers. That's insane. Unless a network is at least trying to be #1, it might as well be shut down.

2. Drop the illusion of "Synergy." Sure, every movie studi0/TV network conglomerate would love to be able to do everything in house in order to save money and hoard profits. Only it doesn't really work. To run a successful creative business, one must have regular infusions of fresh blood and the sort of energy that can only be created by friction. NBC must open its doors to more independent producers and even other studios to do more business with them than they did during the Zucker years.

3. Figure out how to sell their damn shows. Right now the biggest hurdle NBC has to jump is that fact that they are NBC. It will be hard to generate positive buzz for NBC's shows, and I think this season will be a washout for the network. I watched 5 minutes of NBC's flagship Friday night legal drama Outlaw, and thought that it was some elaborate act of revenge against the network by Conan O'Brien the owner of Conaco the show's co-producer.

4. See what USA Network is doing right. Right now NBC's cable stepchild the USA Network is doing pretty damn good with original shows winning viewers all over the country. Maybe they should take a look and see what they're doing in the hopes of bringing some of that good karma to the mother network.

UNIVERSAL STUDIOS

1. Control costs. Feature films are literally being priced out of existence. Even Judd Apatow, who had a great run as Universal's reliable money machine, lost a small fortune on Funny People. Why? Because it cost too damn much. A studio can control costs when they--

2. Try to find the middle ground. During lean times Universal kept the wolves at bay by producing films that were a lot cheaper than their competition. Look to genres that aren't inherently expensive. I'm talking comedy, horror, and action-adventures done on a reasonable scale.

3. Forget the star system. The overwhelming majority of "Movie Stars" are way better at wasting your studio's money than putting ticket buying bums in seats. Don't make movie deals simply because the actor in question has a publicist that can get their mug on multiple magazine covers every month. That says more about the publicist than the actor.

4. Open the damn doors. Universal should start some sort of apprenticeship program for new filmmakers. Filmmakers that can be taught to do things in a cost effective manner and have some loyalty towards the studio because they know that they haven't been screwed over financially. This can be done with a low budget 'exploitation' label producing movies for Universal and NBC's theatrical, home video and cable markets, with an emphasis on good entertaining stories told in an entertaining way. If the filmmakers show real talent and fiscal responsibility, they can graduate to doing bigger films for the studio or TV shows for the network.

Then, maybe, two once great companies can be great again.

Hollywood Babble On & On #601: Flushing The Flash

Welcome to the show folks...

Greg Berlanti is a screenwriter hired to adapt long running DC Comics character The Flash for the movies. Mr. Berlanti has declared that his adaption will be dark, disturbing, and scary, like Se7en and The Silence of the Lambs .

As Perry White would say GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST!

I hope he was joking, because if he was serious, he should be fired and someone else brought into the project, because it's obvious that he doesn't have a clue about what his job is supposed to be. If he's serious, then it means that when he saw The Dark Knight all he saw was the surface trappings because his head was too firmly wedged between his butt-cheeks.

You see there is a reason why The Dark Knight did so well, and that's because it matched the spirit of the source material. The movies didn't directly adapt any specific Batman storyline, but they did understand the material well enough to adapt it in a way that served the source material well. Batman is dark, suspenseful, and loaded with moral ambiguity, so are the films. The first two Spider-Man movies were faithful to the spirit of the source material, and same with Iron Man, etc., etc....

Superman Returns wasn't faithful to the spirit of the source material. It turned the man of steel into a whiny little stalker, and the film was scorned by critics and fans accordingly.

The Flash is not about serial killers, mutilation and mind games, it's about Barry Allen, a forensic scientist who gets hit by lightning & bathed in electrified chemicals. That accident gives him superhuman speed and he decides to use it to fight colorfully costumed rogues using boomerangs, magic mirrors, and ice guns.

His most powerful arch-nemesis is a talking gorilla named Grodd, not a cannibal serial killer.

That's not to say that dark things can't happen. In the original run of the comic, The Flash/Barry Allen's wife Iris was murdered by his archenemy Professor Zoom. Years later when he tries to remarry, Zoom returns to kill his next wife. The Flash kills Zoom in the fight, gets put on trial for manslaughter, his bride-to-be goes bat-shit crazy, and he dies saving the Earth during the Crisis on Infinite Earths, to be reborn recently in the pages of DC Comics.

However, the spirit of the story is about a decent, pretty square fellow, trying hard to use his powers to do the right thing. While his life does fall apart in the original story, The Flash is not about horror, The Flash is about heroism.

So let's hope that either that guy was pulling an elaborate Joaquin Phoenix level hoax, or he should be fired out of a moving vehicle, and someone else brought in to save The Flash from being flushed.

If you'd like to learn more about The Flash, check out the podcast Tom VS The Flash by Tom Katers, which is also available on iTunes.

Saturday Silliness Cinema: Something For The Hipsters

Welcome to the show folks...

Time for my usual Saturday break from ranting and raving about the business behind popular culture and have a little laugh. Today, a heartwarming song, saluting the folks who make urban life worthwhile, the 20something hipster. (NSFW Language/Mature Content Warning)

Hollywood Babble On & On #600: Oscar Season Is Upon Us

Welcome to show number 600 folks...

You've probably noticed that Autumn has arrived, and as sure as the leaves change color and fall screaming to their leafy deaths, the season of Oscar whoring has begun. I poached a partial list of of this year's Oscar contenders and will dish out my usual ill-informed and completely biased opinion on them.

WALL STREET: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS (Twentieth Century Fox - 9/24) Everyone remembers Gordon Gekko's "Greed is good" speech from the first Wall Street as the defining image of the 1980s. I see that film as the fundamental illustration of how so few people know what actual capitalism is.

In the first film Gekko declares that capitalism is a "zero sum game," where in order to become wealthier they have to somehow take that something from someone else. In other words, for me to win, you must lose.

That's not capitalism, that's a description of a poker game.

Capitalism is where two free people engage in the exchange of goods and services within the framework of the rights of private property. That means no fraud, or coercion, and in the end everyone gets something they want. It's why you and the person you bought coffee from both said "Thank you" to each other. You wanted the coffee more than the money, and they wanted the money more than keeping the coffee sitting in the pot on the counter.

Thanks this fundamental misunderstanding about capitalism people think it's all about the accumulation of wealth. In fact, is all about the creation of wealth, which is a completely different thing. Sadly, Hollywood is not alone in this mindset, as recent developments show us, many on Wall Street don't know what capitalism is either.

NOWHERE BOY (The Weinstein Co - 10/8) More 60s nostalgia and Beatlemania for the aging baby-boomers who make up the bulk of the Academy's voters, which could land it some nominations. However, it is a Weinstein Co. release, which means the date given for it to hit theaters is not a guarantee.

SECRETARIAT (Walt Disney Pictures - 10/8) A feel good movie about horse. If the audience falls in love with it, the Academy might not, having already Sandra Bullock for The Blind Side last year.

COMPANY MEN (The Weinstein Co - 10/22) Premiered at Sundance, has an all star cast, and is another TWC release. It will never actually be seen by anyone.

WELCOME TO THE RILEYS (Samuel Goldwyn - 10/29) Viewed a strong contender at the Independent Spirit Awards, which actually may hurt its chances with Oscar.

FAIR GAME (Summit - 11/5) Hollywood takes on the Valerie Plame scandal without actually bringing up the real reason her identity was leaked to the New York Times or the person who really did it, because it didn't fit the pre-conceived narrative of the filmmakers. Also the presence of box-office toxin Sean Penn will prevent anyone outside of a few Academy voters from actually seeing it. Which means it's a shoo in for at least some nominations.

FOR COLORED GIRLS (Lionsgate - 11/5) Adapted by Tyler Perry from a play with a title too long for me to retype. Since it doesn't involve Perry's minstrel drag act Medea, unless he radically rewrote the play, it might not do as well as his other films with his target audience. While the Academy loves grim dramas about abortion, domestic violence, and other misery, they might give this film a miss.

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART 1 (Warner Bros - 11/19) Fantasy had its shot with the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the Academy will not deign to soil the award with imagination and commercial success anytime soon.

THE NEXT THREE DAYS (Lionsgate - 11/19) Paul Haggis breaks from his usual self-important dramas to make something that might sell some tickets and put some real green in his pocket.

BURLESQUE (Sony/Screen Gems - 11/24) Three words: Show Girls Two.

LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS (Twentieth Century Fox - 11/24) A comedy about love between a pharmaceutical salesman and a woman with Parkinson's Disease. I got a bad feeling that it's another one of those "woman with a terminal illness teaches stuffed shirt to live" flicks.

I LOVE YOU, PHILIP MORRIS (Roadside Attractions - 12/3) The Academy might think that the fact that the rest of the world saw it before them as a point against it.

THE FIGHTER (Paramount - 12/10) Too much Rocky meets The Departed without the whole "just give Scorsese a damn Oscar" pressure because Scorsese didn't make it.

THE TOURIST (Sony Pictures - 12/10) Too commercial.

HOW DO YOU KNOW? (Sony Pictures - 12/17) A James Brooks relationship comedy, who saw that coming?

COUNTRY STRONG (Sony/Screen Gems - 12/22) Gwyneth Paltrow tries going country for some Oscar gold, sadly, it only works for grizzled farts like Robert Duvall and Jeff Bridges.

TRUE GRIT (Paramount - 12/25) Speaking of grizzled farts, Jeff Bridges stars in this Coen Bros. remake of the John Wayne classic. The Coens are always interesting, but their outsider mentality and insular working methods may turn off Academy voters who think they've already got enough awards working outside the system, why give them any more.

Hollywood Babble On & On #599: A Time To Say Goodbye

Welcome to the show folks...

Friends, Romans, television and movie viewers, lend me your eyes.

I have come not to praise Jeff Zucker, but to bury him.

The incompetence that men do lives after them; the good is often interred with their bones.

What? You don't like me bastardizing Shakespeare?

Sheesh, try to bring a little class into this joint and you get nothing but hoots and catcalls. Well, I guess I should just press on without the literary flourish and tell you that Jeff Zucker has left behind a lot of incompetence, and for that incompetence the incoming Comcast regime at NBC-Universal served him his walking papers.

Now while I know that hearing about someone losing their job in these troubled economic times, there are two reasons you shouldn't cry about this:

1. He was really, really, really bad at running a network and movie studio combination.

2. His CEO grade "golden parachute" exit package could probably buy everyone in India a cheeseburger with all the fixings, and knowing his instinct for screwing things up big time, he might actually try that.

What was Zucker's biggest sin in my eyes?

He tried to take the viewer out of the network TV equation.

Think about it, the bulk of Zucker's many bizarre programming choices. They weren't designed to win viewers, they were designed to have a comfortable profit margin no matter what the ratings. Basically it meant that Zucker decided that having fewer viewers than Telemundo, was okay, as long as he had just enough viewers to squeeze a little profit out of advertisers.

It seemed like a good idea, sort of like performing plastic surgery on yourself to save money may seem like a good idea in theory, but in reality is a disaster. I'm looking at you Joan Rivers.

Viewers left, advertisers started to demand to pay less money for air time, and Zucker ran around claiming that ratings bursts from events like the Olympics were somehow the norm for NBC. Maybe they were the norm in Narnia, but not in the real world.

My advice to Zucker, don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out, and take up a hobby that will keep you out of the entertainment business. I suggest deep sea spear fishing.

*KNOCK KNOCK*

Who is at my door?

*opens door*

Holy crap on a stick it's JEFF ZUCKER HIMSELF!!
Hi everybody. Jeff Zucker here, I know that Furious D has been a bit critical of my work at NBC-Universal, but I'd like to take a moment to express how I truly feel, through song....

Hello, I must be going.
I have to say,
I cannot stay
I must be going

Hello, I must be going
Look like Comcast
Will kick my ass
I must be going

Hello, I must be going
My career is ending
My severance I'll be spending
I must be going

Hello, I must be going
Hate to be a bother
But Furious must gripe about another
Because I'm going....

Thank you... thank you.... and goodbye.