Thursday, 30 March 2006




As the world spins in its seemingly neverending... um spinningness... it has fallen on me, the world's biggest and smuggest know-it-all to dispense some of my infinitely vast wisdom to those who don't know any better.

That's right folks, I'm starting my own religion! It shall be called the Grand & Glorious Temple of Zen Nudism and it shall be a beacon of light and knowledge to the world.

How do I join your wonderful organisation and achieve salvation, enlightenment, and bliss?

That's simple. Just send me money. Lots of it, preferably in small, non-sequential bills. I accept American dollars, Euros, Japanese Yen, and British pounds.

Are there any rules I have to follow once I join your wonderful religion?

Just keep sending me money, and lots of it.

If those answers don't assuage your faithless doubts, then look at these testimonials:

SEAN PENN: Before I found Zen Nudism I was really screwed up. I mean, I was married to Madonna for fuck's sake. Now I'm as happy as a pig in his own shit, and I can't wait to give more money to Furious D.

SHANE McGOWAN: Furious D made me the handsome fellow I am today.

DICK CHENEY: I'd like to take Furious D hunting.

MICHAEL BAY: Furious D has made me want to give up making films and dedicate my life to giving him money.

Feel free to ask me any questions about this new religion.

You're free to ask.

But getting the answers will cost you.

On this day...

25 Years Ago Today John Hinkley shot President Reagan and several aides in Washington DC. Hinkley said he did to impress actress Jodie Foster. Jodie Foster responded by asking: "Are you nuts?"

He was.

Tuesday, 28 March 2006

On this day... 1380 gunpowder was used for the first time in Europe in a battle between the Italian city states of Venice and Genoa.

They didn't use it in muskets, cannons, bombs, or even cool rockets that went whooosh-KABOOM. Instead they charged into battle carrying handfuls of gunpowder that they would fling into each others faces.

No one died in this particular battle, but there are many reports of soldiers getting grit in their eyes, which really stung, several reporting bad tastes in their mouths, a lot of sneezing, and one report of a tummyache by a Venetian soldier who accidentally swallowed some.

That evening Genoan officer Guido Badaboomo realised that gunpowder had explosive properties when set on fire and suggested using those properties in their next attack on the Venetian lines. Genoan leader Duke Antonio Wassamatta thought it was a great idea.

As rosy fingered dawn rose over the battlefield Genoan soldiers charged the Venetian lines with a lit torch on one hand, and a handful of gunpowder in the other.

Genoa lost that battle for some reason.

And now you know better.

Furious D Explains...The Whoopie Cushion

The whoopie cushion goes back to ancient Rome where it was invented by Senator Flatus Maximus in 23 AD.

He took the stomach lining of a Thracian slave named Wupus, pumped it full of air and would set it on his windowsill to act as an alarm against assassins sent by political rivals. He grew very paranoid and used to take it everywhere, including the Senate chamber.

One day, Senator Passus Windus accidentally sat on Flatus's invention, releasing a nasty farting sound that sparked a riot of raucous laughter.

17 people were killed in that riot.

Flatus went on to great wealth mass producing these new novelties, now called Wupus Cushions in honour of the slave he so casually gutted to make the first.

That's the story of the whoopie cushion.

And now you know better.