Showing posts with label Psychic Fiends Network. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Psychic Fiends Network. Show all posts

Monday, 12 January 2015

You Asked For It: An Apocalyptic Question

I didn't watch the Golden Globes last night. So instead of judging a show I didn't watch, I'm going to answer a reader's questions.
Nate Winchester asked: 
I heard someone say before, I'll tweak their point now: 
D, do you think zombies and all the other apocalypse films/tv/etc are filling the airwaves right now because Hollywood senses that their end is coming? 
In light of that, what do you think the post-apocalyptic scene will look like? When Hollywood collapses because it's chopped off its own legs, what do you think might happen next? (doesn't have to be accurate, just tell us a story)
One thing you have to know about Hollywood is that they don't really sense anything. Deep feelings of foreboding over their own future requires something Hollywood doesn't have, which is depth. Also they're lacking in long term thinking, being only able to see the next quarterly report and their next bonus and/or stock option.

What they do have is a sense of sight, and when they see a dystopic or post-apocalyptic project sell big, like The Hunger Games, or The Walking Dead, they hop on the bandwagon.

Apocalyptic projects sell because of a sense among the general population of just how fragile their comfortable first world lives are because they're technology dependent.

I lose my internet connection for an hour and I'm ready to go full Mad Max on everyone by minute thirty-five.

As for what happens to Hollywood after the end of their unique civilization…

The major studios are faltering, but they have enormous bulk and infrastructure on their own, and almost all of them are part of even bigger media conglomerates. Conglomerates that span the world, and keep on growing.

Steve from Mergers & Acquisitions.
That means that any alternative can easily be subsumed, and ultimately consumed by the already existing media mega-conglomerates. Possibly via homicidal android merger & acquisition specialists, but I won't make any promises.

But seriously...

What we might see is a replay of what happened back in the turn of the century and the teens. Back then the fledgling movie biz was dominated by the Edison Trust. A clique of companies who sought a monopoly on the movie business.

They did everything they could to maintain that monopoly, from lawsuits to goons doling out threats and vandalism, and seemed unassailable.

They're all out of business now.

What happened?

The studios we know today were independent upstarts who rebelled against the Edison Trust. They beat the Edison Trust not in court, but with the audience.

You see the Trust's companies had two policies which doomed them. They suppressed the development of "stars" to keep salaries artificially down, by keeping their names out of the public eye, the most famous being the star known only as the "Biograph Girl". Also the Trust decided that the audience would want stories that the Trust told them to want.

The upstarts rebelled by creating the "star" system, by giving popular performers credit and using them to promote their films. The upstarts also looked at what the audience was looking for in the way of stories and they delivered.

Over the next 20 years the Edison trust companies crumbled and either faded into oblivion or were taken over by the upstarts who are the major studios we know today.

How do I see history repeating itself?

First, it won't repeat itself exactly as it happened before.

The means of making and delivering content have exploded. It's now possible to create Hollywood grade entertainment in your own basement if you have the time, money, and talent.

However, making something, and getting it out for sale is one thing, another is selling it to an audience. It's hard to compete against a major studio's ad-buy that's bigger than the annual budget of a third world government budget. 

But it's not impossible.

So what I think is that we'll see outfits like Netflix, Amazon, and their upcoming competition begin to drift away from working solely with the major studios, because they can't produce the quantity and quality these outlets need. They'll look more to indie companies, who, if they play their cards right will grow, then be bought by the major studios.

The majors will then eventually sanitize what made them successful out of these upstart companies, go right back into the rut that made the upstart possible, and go and buy the next upstart.

The studios will then shift not from being content producers into consumers of actual content producers on a corporate level.

At least that's what I see in my crystal ball.

Friday, 8 August 2014

Hollywood Babble On & On #1169: Comic Book Movie Cornucopia!

Both Marvel/Disney and DC/Warner Bros. have released their release schedule for a whole slew of comic book/superhero movies up until 2020, which by then we'll be ruled by giant alien robots.

I've astrally projected my mind into the future and I have brought back my predictions (10000% guaranteed) to tell you what the future holds:



DC COMICS/WARNER BROTHERS SCHEDULE:

March 25, 2016 – Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice 

Hoping to bring some of Batman's cool-factor with Superman's penchant for mega-spectacle, and open doors for other characters, and ultimately a Justice League movie franchise.

It makes a shit-ton of money, but so much was spent making and promoting it, it will fail to turn a profit.

August 5, 2016 – Untitled DC Film

The first release date for the Wonder Woman movie, which will be cancelled because the studio can't bring themselves to pull the trigger on a female led superhero franchise.

Replaced by a Green Lantern reboot which is a shot-for-shot remake of the failed Green Lantern movie, but this time Ryan Reynolds is replaced by Russell Brand.

It flops.

June 23, 2017 – Untitled DC Film

AQUAMAN! - starring Jonah Hill.

Flops, because no one really likes Aquaman.

November 17, 2017 – Untitled DC Film

Second cancelled attempt at a Wonder Woman movie. Replaced by a movie about LOBO, starring Mark Wahlberg, a character who was big in the 1990s, but no one gives a shit about anymore.

It flops.

March 23, 2018 – Untitled DC Film

SHAZAM!

But Dwayne Johnson was too expensive, and was replaced by Seth Rogen, with Justin Bieber as Billy Batson, who by this time is working for dime-bags of pot.

May 25, 2018 – Untitled Lego Movie

This movie will be even more egregious in the product placement because they think that's what people want, not realizing that audiences flocked to it because it was a family friendly all-encompassing parody movie.

July 27, 2018 – Untitled DC Film

3rd cancelled Wonder Woman release date.

Replaced with a Lobo reboot, this time starring Zac Efron.

November 16, 2018 – Untitled WB Event Film

Big money Justice League movie, but in the interim everyone introduced in the previous movies has been fired and replaced with cheaper actors.

April 5, 2019 – Untitled DC Film

Supposed to be Aquaman 2, but that flopped, so it was given to finally releasing a Wonder Woman movie, but then cancelled again.

Replaced by a Shazam reboot, this time starring Leonard DiCaprio as Shazam, directed by Martin Scorsese.

May 24, 2019 – Untitled Lego film

Reeling from the negative reaction to the all-product placement Lego movie this film is cancelled and replaced by a movie based on Oreo cookies.

It too flops.

June 14, 2019 – Untitled DC Film

Batman reboot starring Matt Damon.

April 3, 2020 – Untitled DC Film

Superman reboot starring Will Smith, who has recently ballooned to 300 lbs and refuses to lose weight.

June 19, 2020 – Untitled DC Film

Batman reboot starring Tobey Maguire. It replaces the cancelled Wonder Woman movie, this time starring Miley Cyrus. Film was cancelled in pre-production when Cyrus gets her flapping lizard tongue caught on a passing car that drags her all the way to Mexico.

November 20, 2020 – Untitled WB Event Film

Justice League reboot with a $500 million budget, an all black, all female cast, and all references to superpowers and super-villains replaced by discussions of relationships or long montage sequences about shopping. Naturally fans are baffled by a film marketed as a superhero movie turn out to be an unsanctioned remake of the first Sex & The City movie, causing Time-Warner CEO Jeff Zucker to go ballistic and threaten to sue everyone who doesn't buy a ticket to the movie.

No one buys a ticket.

Its failure is used as an excuse by Warner Bros. management to eliminate all female led films or ethnic diversity from its production slate.

MARCH 14, 2021 - Warner Bros. Purchased by News Corp.

After a string of expensive flops, an expensive lawsuit from Sex & The City's creator over the Justice League reboot, and Jeff Zucker's investing of all the corporation's assets into an all Rosie O'Donnell themed national daily newspaper, the whole Time Warner Empire, DC Comics included, goes bankrupt, and is purchased with the change in cyborg-Rupert Murdoch's couch cushions.

That's what's going to happen.

What do you think will happen?

Monday, 31 December 2012

Hollywood Babble On & On #977: 13 Predictions For 2013!

Most people do "year-in-review" posts at this time of year.

I am not most people.

I choose not to look back, instead I will use my awesome psychic powers to look ahead, so I can tell you what's going to happen in pop culture and the business behind it in the year 2013. 

So fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy ride INTO THE FUTURE!!!

1. 2012 saw an up-tick in box office sales thanks to successful films ranging from mega blockbusters like The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises to smaller-budget fare like the geriatric British comedy The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.

In 2013 the studios will try to create a best of both worlds scenario by making a big budget movie about retired superheroes.

2. Singer Taylor Swift will start writing songs about men she hasn't met yet, but she's pretty sure they'd be jerks if they dated.

3. It will be announced in 2013 that The Hobbit saga will be expanded from a trilogy to seventeen movies, concluding in 2025 with The Hobbit: Peter Jackson's Got Nothing Else Left

4. The Sundance Film Festival will be officially re-named the Sundance Celebrity Ski-Wear Photo-Op Festival. There will be no time to actually screen independent movies.

5. In 2013, Lena Dunham will get shit-loads of money and attention far beyond her actual relevance to anyone outside of the media.

6. Singer Adele will start introducing her boyfriend to slutty, attractive women in hopes it could lead to another smash hit album.

7. Merger mania will sweep the publishing industry until the only company left will be Random-Penguin-Simon-Schuster-MacMillan-Harper-Collins-Hachette-House. This new mega company will be dedicated to releasing diet books and paying large advances to reality show celebrities for books that never earn their money back.

8. A celebrity will commit a crime, but will more or less get away with it.

9. James Cameron will spend two billion dollars to make the sequel to Avatar using a new "Smell-O-Vision" process only to learn after the film's release that setting it at an alien fish processing plant was a big mistake.

10. Director Ridley Scott will announce over 285 movies on his personal development slate.

11. The Weinstein Company will continue to be a black hole for films that won't win Harvey Weinstein an Oscar.

12. Seth McFarlane's hosting of the Oscars will be marked by numerous "This reminds me of the time..." segues which then cut to some sort of sight gag.

13. Young stars will continue to make the same mistakes that every young star who went before them made, and no one will learn anything.

Those are my predictions, what are yours?

Monday, 2 January 2012

Hollywood Babble On & On #830: 12 for 2012!

2011 is done and dusted, 2012 is upon us, so I'm going to use my psychic ability to tap into the time stream and predict THE FUTURE!

I have 12 predictions for 2012!

Let us begin...

1. Justin Bieber's career will go into decline when his body develops a resistance to the drugs his management's been giving him to stave off puberty.

2. Adam Sandler will be involved in the making of a shitty movie.

3. Hollywood studios will attempt to fight the doldrums that made 2011's box office so poor by remaking every film released in 2011, but doing it louder, and in 3D.

4. Scientists will invent time travel in 2012. Then again in 2005, 1993 & finally in 1986.

5. The comic book movie trend will reach its nadir with the release of the $350 million production of Little Lulu 3D starring Julia Roberts in the title role.

6. The world will learn the secret the success of the Kardashian clan. Stupid people who buy their shit.

7. Al Pacino will have a moment of clarity and realize that he's been hamming it up way to much for a very long time. Sadly, that moment will be brief.

8. ABBA will reunite to do an album of Lady Gaga songs called "Bjorn This Way."

9. Charlie Sheen will learn the true meaning of the word "winning" when he suddenly realizes that he really is not winning.

10. The decline of the movie star as a cultural force and box office draw will continue.

11.  Hollywood's denial of the decline of the movie star will become even more adamant, and star salaries will continue to climb.

12. The Mayan Calendar Doomsday bullshit will not end until December 31st 2012.

Thursday, 6 January 2011

Hollywood Babble On & On #657: Another Case of Too Big To Deny

Welcome to the show folks....

Barbara Streisand has inked a deal to play the scene stealing role of "Mama Rose" in a new big budget movie adaptation of the musical
Gypsy with producer Joe Silver at Warner Bros.

I'm having one of my psychic visions about this film. I see a bomb, a really big bomb, sitting in the bottom of a discount DVD bin at a Wal-Mart.... gathering dust.

For those who don't know much about musicals, Gypsy is based on the early life of Gypsy Rose Lee. Gypsy Rose Lee was the first burlesque performer, or stripper, to become nationally famous. Her style emphasized the tease element of striptease, and incorporated elements of sly humor like performing an intellectual lecture or recitation while her clothes seemed to fall off. She parlayed that success and notoriety as a ecdysiast (a word she coined) into work as an actress, playwright, mystery author, and her autobiography was soon adapted into the musical play that's the center of this story.

Now the real meaty part in
Gypsy is of Lee's mother Rose Hovick, aka Mama Rose. Mama Rose is the archetypal stage mother, demanding, ambitious, swinging wildly between seductive charm and ruthless cruelty. It's the perfect role for someone who wants to show off that she can act, sing, and dance.

So let me get to why this film will fail, but why the studio is doing it.

WHY THIS FILM WILL FAIL:

1. Barbra Streisand isn't the box office big deal she was in the 1970s and 1980s. Even then she really wasn't that big when viewed in the context of the age of $100 million blockbusters. Yes, she's appeared in the two
Fockers movies that sold a lot of tickets, but she's not the "star" or the main attraction of the film. Then there's the other problem...

2. Barbra Streisand is expensive.
Little Fockers will probably lose a fortune because it cost $100 million to make, and at least half that to market. The main reason a family comedy cost so much is because everyone in the cast was being paid the moon and a half to appear in the film. How much do you think she and Joe Silver, a producer who isn't known for his parsimony are going to spend on this movie? They'll make the $55 million spent on Burlesque look like pocket change.

3. Barbra Streisand is old. I hate to be ageist, and the success of films like
Red, show that seniors can still kick but, but you have to remember that Mama Rose is supposed to be somewhere in her 30s-40s during the time covered in the story. Babs will be somewhere between 69-70 when shooting starts. That will make the back-story of her being a teenage bride and mother a bit too much of a stretch unless they cast a 50 year old actress in the title role of Gypsy.

WHY THE STUDIO AGREED TO MAKE THIS FILM:

Okay, with so many glaring reasons to red-light this movie you have to ask yourself "Why would these allegedly intelligent people green-light something guaranteed to tank?" Well here's why, they aren't as smart as they want you to think they are and have to go along with certain conventions that dictate their decisions.

1. It's a remake. Studios love remakes, and any excuse they can come up with for a remake is a good excuse.

2. Didn't someone do this recently? You see if someone did a movie on a similar subject and got a lot of attention for it, then you must do it as well. In
this case, it's Burlesque, it was a musical about burlesque dancers, and it got a truckload of hype before its release. It disappeared from the box-office in a weekend and lost half a ton of money, but they don't remember that, all they remember is the hype, so it had to have been big.

3. You never say no to Barbra. Hollywood is a very small town. Actually, like I always say, it's more like a small town high school with money. Babs is the equivalent of one of the "popular" girl. She's not "popular" because people like her all that much, she's "popular" because if you don't give her what she wants, she can make your life in this tiny little inbred high school very, very difficult. To executives it's better for the company to take a financial bath with other people's money than to risk getting uninvited from the hottest fashionable fundraiser and lose your shot at getting George Clooney to think you're one of the cool kids.

So here we go again, tens of millions of dollars flushed down the drain, because Hollywood is neither an art or a business, it's a playground for the already rich and famous and investor's money are the toys.

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Hollywood Babble On & On #578: Memorandum Mania

Welcome to the show folks...

The Wrap recently got their hands on a memo, purportedly about Paramount Pictures upcoming movie slate. Well, since it's seems to be a slow news day for me, I thought I'd indulge my inner internet wanker, and pass harsh and unfair judgments on films that haven't even been made yet.

TRIPLE FRONTIER- Directed by Kathryn Bigelow, (wins awards, doesn't sell well), starring Will Smith (sells tickets) Javier Bardem (unknown quantity) Christian Bale (sales can be iffy), and Sean Penn (powerful enough box office poison to drop a T-Rex.)

YOUNG ADULT- Diablo Cody figured out that she needs Jason Reitman, or she's going to have another Jennifer's Body on her hands.

DUNDERHEADS- A heist movie starring kids. Nuff said.

HANSEL & GRETEL- If this film was with Warner Bros. it would have been made by Tim Burton, star Johnny Depp as Hansel, Helena Bonham Carter as Gretel, Helen Mirren as the Witch, and make a billion dollars. At Paramount, who knows?

WILL- Won't.

MY MOTHER'S CURSE- Why do I fear that the curse will be felt by the crew during the making of the film.

WORLD WAR Z- Brains.... need brains.... need brains....

GI JOE 2- GI No.

THE ASSOCIATE- Shia LaBouef as a lawyer. Is he defending the little heisters from Dunderheads.

THE DICTATOR- Sascha Baron-Cohen being obnoxious? It worked so well with Bruno.

TWILIGHT ZONES- David Chase of The Sopranos is making this one. The twist at the end of each story is that everyone has onion rings, then everything stops dead.

MI3- Is this supposed to be the next Mission Impossible, which is the 4th, or is it something else entirely?

STAR TREK 2- Probably make a shit-load of money.

JACK RYAN- A killer concept, if this was still the 1980s.

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES- Ditto.

HASBRO FACTORY- It's a 90 minute long commercial, and like with regular commercials, folks are going to see what else is on.

ZOOLANDER 2- Finally something to play after each of Zoolander's six weekly airings on TBS.

7 MINUTES IN HEAVEN- 90+ minutes in hell.

LUNA- Already dead in the water.

WHAT MEN WANT- I can answer that question: NOT THIS MOVIE.

AU REVOIR CRAZY EUROPEAN CHICK- I can imagine the pitch session for this movie: "It's like Killers meets Knight & Day, but different, this time the chick's the assassin, like Salt." What could go wrong?

BAYWATCH- Run into the ocean in slow motion, and keep running until the water comes up over your head. Then keep running.

I WANT TO _____ YOU SISTER- Nothing like a title that can get someone beaten up at the box office.

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?- What's plaintively wailed by the movie goer who got smacked down by the ticket taker after telling him that he wanted to ______ his sister.

NEVADA SMITH- Mandatory remake time.

DADDY'S HOME- And the audience is going to stay home with him.

MAX STEEL-
Minimum box office.

UNTITLED AFRICAN SAFARI- I'm wrong, we're not back in the 1980s, we've gone back to the 1930s.

LICENSE TO STEAL- What wasting $125 million on this flick really is.

EXISTENCE 2.0-
The title's going to have audiences renting David Cronenberg's Existenz thinking this is the sequel. Good for Cronenberg, bad for Paramount.

WHEN CORRUPTION WAS KING- And it isn't now?

KID TABLE- The concept sounds just as rickety as my family's old 'kid table' and no doubt it will be folded up and forgotten even sooner.

Thursday, 29 July 2010

Hollywood Babble On & On #565: Bits & Bites

Welcome to the show folks...

1. RUSSEL BRAND TO GET MEDIEVAL?

Brit comedian/professional image Russel Brand has expressed interest in doing a historical action comedy where he plays legendary medieval mercenary John Hawkwood. For those not well versed in the history of late medieval Condottieri, Hawkwood was an English mercenary who went on to command the armies of various factions in war torn Italy.

I'll admit that I'm not a Brand fan, and I have the bad feeling that he'll play the character, like he plays all other characters like a washed up 80s rock star. My prediction, he'll drop out screaming "I can't ruin my image!" the moment he finds out that he needs a haircut to look like Hawkwood.

2. ALIENS TO GET LOST?

Fox and Ridley Scott have reportedly hired Damon Lindelof, the former head writer of TV's Lost to work on the script for the planned prequel to Alien.

My prediction: The movie will features various humans and aliens wandering around an island where nothing makes sense, then it will have a vague ending that won't answer any questions raised during the movie.

3. THIS IS NOT HOW YOU DO IT!

TV mogul Haim Saban has asked CBS honcho Les Moonves to pull Oliver Stone's Secret History of America from Showtime's schedule as punishment over Stone's recent comments about a so-called Jewish dominated media preventing Hitler from being seen "in context" and for making the Holocaust "a big deal."

Haim, I'm sure you're a lovely guy, but I have to say that this sort of talk is not how you deflate an obnoxious windbag like Oliver Stone. Get his show taken off the air and suddenly Oliver Stone is a martyr in the sort of places where he seems to seek approval, like among the rulers of Venezuela and Iran. You need an all new tactic.

Stone is basically one massive ego who thinks he knows everything about everything, and that everyone else is just a puppet of some shadowy conspiracy between the US Military/Industrial Complex, Big Oil, the Freemasons, that's secretly being run by Will Wheaton, otherwise known as TV's Wesley Crusher. If he hadn't made such big movies in the 80s like Platoon and the first Wall Street, he'd be living in a shack in Idaho writing manifestos on an old Smith Corona about how the antlers of the local deer conceal hidden devices designed to steal his brainwaves.

So here's what you do: You mock him. You make fun of his documentary. You get a bunch of historians a platform to discuss his factual errors, trust me, they will find them. Make him a laughingstock.

Make him a martyr and he'll never shut up. Make him a walking joke, and he might just clue in if he has any brain cells left.

Then you make him apologize for Alexander. Egad that was a steaming POS.

4. INEXPERIENCED ACTRESS SCREWS UP, FILM AT ELEVEN!

A lot of people are making hay over reports from observers that model turned singer turned First Lady of France Carla Bruni-Sarkozy screwed up her silent cameo in a Woody Allen movie by looking at the camera, possibly up to 35 times.

Well, when you stunt cast you gotta accept that there will be some risk involved. Film acting isn't as easy for some as people would like you to think it is. In fact, it's loaded with tricks and traps that long time pros don't even think of after they've corrected their screw ups for the 100th time. This is especially true when you stunt cast someone who spent somewhere around 20 years engaging the camera by looking directly at it with a sexy 'come hither' look when she was a model. You need a cattle-prod to break that habit.

5. AT THE MOVIES OF MADNESS

Guillermo Del Toro has signed on to adapt HP Lovecraft's novella At The Mountains of Madness with James Cameron producing.

The novella's the story of a 1920s
expedition to the Antarctic that uncovers some ancient horrors that defy imagination. It was a direct inspiration for "Who Goes There," the story used as the basis for the classic 80s horror film The Thing. Now if there ever was someone born to do Lovecraft on film, it's Del Toro. However, I do have some advice for him.

A. Macho up the characters. The average Lovercraft protagonist usually faints at the sight of horror and then goes mad. Audiences aren't going to dig that. Someone's going to have to take some sort of stand when the Great Old Ones start sliming up the joint.

B. Don't let Cameron write the script. Let him sign the checks, but don't let do rewrites. If you do, he'll toss in some deranged ex-Marine who goes bat-shit crazy and tries to kill everyone for no good reason.

C. Make a film that will work in 2D too. I know the theaters are saying it's the wave of the future and will remain forever, but audiences are already starting to get a little tired of sub-standard film-making hiding behind a 3D bush. By the time you're done post-production, the whole craze could be deader than Mel Gibson's image.

D. Don't let James Cameron anywhere near the script. Seriously, it's for your own good and the good of the film. He'll slap in the plot from Ferngully and that will be bad for everyone.

6. SAY WHA?

The Weinstein Company has announced that it will boost it's release slate in the coming year.

Translation: They might actually try to release a movie into theaters instead of just announcing they're going to release it several times, only to play it in one theater in Utah, then dump it into the nearest DVD discount bin which is their usual practice.

Sure, I'll believe it when I see it.

Sunday, 30 May 2010

Hollywood Babble On & On #522: The Hobbit Hobbled?

Welcome to the show folks...

Director Guillermo Del Toro has ankled The Hobbit, the prequel adventure of the epic
Lord of the Rings Trilogy. At the time of this writing I'm not sure if he left because he didn't want to commit to a 6 year shooting schedule (WTF?) or got forced out for not wanting to shoot it in the flavor of the month digital 3D.

It doesn't really matter. What really matters is who will take over the troubled project, or if the film will ever be made. So let's look at the usual suspects.
1. PETER JACKSON: Directed the original LOTR trilogy, is co-writing the script, and actually lives in the country where the film will be shot. But he's denying any possibility of him making The Hobbit, possibly feeling pissy that his last film, The Lovely Bones, didn't win him the Oscars it was supposed to, and that if he wins again for another Tolkien film he might doubt if he won for his own talent, or Tolkien's.

2. SAM RAIMI: He's been linked to the film before, and since he's recently been shit-canned from the Spider-Man trilogy, he's available. However, there are these questions: Will he do it? and Can he do it in a way that MGM can possibly afford?

3. NEILL BLOMKAMP: His breakout film District 9 made him a hot property, he's a protege of Jackson's, but the problem is that his dance card is pretty full for the foreseeable future, and he can't find any Apartheid metaphors in Tolkien's work.

4. STEVEN SPIELBERG: He's got Oscars, he's got a background in genre movies, and he's reportedly on good terms with Jackson, with whom he's developing a TinTin franchise. However, The Hobbit is owned by MGM, not Dreamworks, and Stevie doesn't do movies he don't own no more.

5. MICHAEL BAY: Despite the opinion of many that he's the spawn of perdition's flames, his movies usually make shitloads of money. But he's used to running his own ship, and generally driving his supposed studio masters around the twist with his antics and attitude. In other words, he's too uppity, and most likely to go completely his own way, and make a movie called BAD HOBBITS starring Will Smith and Nicholas Cage as Bilbo and Dildo Baggins, two gun toting hobbits blasting their way across Middle Earth and shagging Elf babes.

Not that I've got anything against some pointy-eared elf-babe action, it just wouldn't be a faithful adaptation of the book loved by millions.

6. BRETT RATNER: One of the few commercially successful filmmakers with even more haters than Bay, many of them genre film fans. I fear the he'll end up being the studio's choice, because he'll do what he's told, and is the default go-to guy when you absolutely positively have to sink a franchise overnight.

Let me know who you think will most likely take over The Hobbit.

Friday, 16 April 2010

Hollywood Babble On & On #491: Looking Into The Future!

Welcome to the show folks...

Some folks got some egg on their face yesterday by reporting rumors that the Weinstein Bros. regained their company Miramax, but Disney was quick to poo-poo those reports, and say that the auction was still on with no clear winner yet.

Which got me thinking. The Weinstein Bros. are backed by supermarket billionaire Ron Burkle and hedge fund Fortress-Colbeck, and I wondered if the Freres Weinstein would treat them the same way that they have reportedly treated investors in the past.

Luckily, my hobby is mad science, and that would provide me the answers I seek. So I cranked up COLOSSUS my mega-super-computer, hooked it up to my time machine, hooked both of those to my alternate dimension portal generator, making me able to record a telephone call from a possible future where the Weinsteins win back Miramax, and reproduce the transcript here for you.
TRANSCRIPT OF PHONE CALL BETWEEN BILLIONAIRE INVESTOR RON BURKLE & PRODUCER HARVEY WEINSTEIN.
RECORDED ON MAY 27th, 2013 FROM ALTERNATE FUTURE 318-OMEGA-B.


BURKLE- Hi, Harvey, it's Ron here.

HARVEY- Burkle baby, how the f*ck are you?

BURKLE- Well, Harvey, I've been talking to the guys over at Fortress-Colbeck--

HARVEY- What the f*ck are you saying? Are you f*cking talking sh*t about me behind my f*cking back!

BURKLE- No one is talking sh*t Harv. We just have some concerns about how Miramax is being run.

HARVEY- What the f*ck do you know about the f*cking movie business you grocery peddling f*ckwad! I'm Harvey f*cking Weinstein, I've forgotten more about the f*cking movie business than a f*cking cabbage f*cking f*ckface will ever f*cking know!!

BURKLE- Calm down Harv.

HARVEY- I AM F*CKING CALM!! CAN'T YOU HEAR JUST HOW F*CKING CALM I AM!

BURKLE- We're not questioning your experience Harvey. We just want to know why, after we spent over $600 million to buy the company, and several hundred million dollars more for productions and acquisitions, yet there hasn't been a single film released.

HARVEY- You can't f*cking tell me where and when I can f*cking release the f*cking movies I spent f*cking millions of your f*cking dollars making or buying! If I want to f*cking sit on a f*cking movie until all f*cking interest in it is f*cking wasted, and along with it all that f*cking money, I'LL SIT ON THAT F*CKING MOVIE! I'm f*cking rich, and that proves I'm f*cking right!

BURKLE- Technically Harv, I'm actually a lot richer than you--

HARVEY- You f*cking rat soup eating f*cking honky motherf*cker! You f*cking think you know better than me! Do you!?! I'll f*cking sink this f*cking company and you won't f*cking see a single f*cking dime from this sh*theap! NOT ONE F*CKING DIME! You'll never get that f*cking Oscar I f*cking promised you either! I'll f*cking sink that f*cking movie with f*cking Kate Winslet as the f*cking mentally retarded f*cking Nazi with terminal f*cking cancer who f*cking teaches f*cking inner city kids how to f*cking love f*cking Shakespeare through f*cking interpretive dance!

BURKLE- Sheesh Harv, don't you think you're over-reacting?

HARVEY- Are you f*cking saying I'm f*cking over-reacting? YOU F*CKING BAG-BOY! I'LL DESTROY THIS F*CKING COMPANY & YOU WON'T F*CKING GET F*CKING ANYTHING! NOT ONE F*CKING DIME!

BURKLE- Is that how you feel about this Harvey?

HARVEY- Don't f*cking push me you donkeyf*cker! I built this f*cking company, and I'll f*cking destroy it if I f*cking want to! Now f*cking gimme another f*cking $300 million, or I f*cking swear, I'll f*cking burn this whole f*cking thing to the f*cking ground!


BURKLE- Oh, Harvey, you so crazy. How can I stay mad at you?
A stunning vision of a possible future, if I do say so myself.

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

A LOOK INTO THE FUTURE!!!

Thanks to my unique gifts of prognostication, prestidigitation and frequent mastication, I have obtained a transcript of a show that hasn't even been made yet. That's right I'm talking about the NBC ALL-STAR HOLIDAY SPECIAL from the misty and mysterious future of Christmas 2009.

FADE IN:

INT. ASPEN SKI LODGE LIVING ROOM -- EVENING

The sun is setting outside. The room is decorated for the holidays in a pleasant, nondenominational way, and a fire roars in an elegant stone fireplace.

Enter JEFF ZUCKER, carrying some mistletoe and he appears to be surprised to see the camera there.

JEFF ZUCKER
Hi there. I wasn't expecting you so early.
I'm Jeff Zucker CEO of NBC-Universal,
and I'd like to welcome you to my Aspen Ski lodge
and the NBC All-Star Holiday Special.


Music starts to swell in the background, it goes to the melody of "I'll Be Home For Xmas."

JEFF ZUCKER
(singing)
I'll get a bonus for Christmas,
You can count on me,

I'll save some dough,
Cancel more shows,
And have cash b'neath my tree...

Jeff Zucker takes a wad of money and tosses it into the fireplace.

JEFF ZUCKER
(still singing)
Christmas eve will find me,
Where the rich and famous ski,
I'll get a bonus for Christmas,
While crashing N-B-C...!
Music fades.

There's a knock on the door.

JEFF ZUCKER
Who could that be?

Jeff Zucker opens the door. It's BEN SILVERMAN.

JEFF ZUCKER
Hey, it's Ben Silverman! Who'd have thunk it.

BEN SILVERMAN
Hey-hey Zuckerino!
I was in the neighbourhood
and I thought I'd drop in with a present.


JEFF ZUCKER
Is it a show people will watch?

Both men share a hearty laugh.

BEN SILVERMAN
Nope. It's a song.

Both men break into their own version of "Deck The Halls"

JEFF & BEN
Our careers sure are funny
Fa la la la la la la la la
Our network's losing loads of money,
Fa la la la la la la la la
A new yacht we'll buy and sail,
Fa la la la la la la la la
While NBC's shows all fail,
Fa la la la la la la la la.

See the blazing fools before you
Fa la la la la la la la la
Who get paid no matter what they do
Fa la la la la la la la la
Follow us in merry measure
Fa la la la la la la la la
While we get paid a load of treasure
Fa la la la la la la la la

Fast away pilot season passes,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Everyone's tossed on their asses,

Fa la la la la la la la la
Except the pair of us together,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Heedless of ratings and weather,
Fa la la la la la la la la.

The song ends and Jeff Zucker pops open a bottle of champagne.

JEFF ZUCKER
That was fun.

BEN SILVERMAN
And it's public domain, so we saved a fortune.

JEFF ZUCKER
Care for some bubbly.

BEN SILVERMAN
Certainly.

Ben Silverman takes the bottle and starts drinking straight from it.

JEFF ZUCKER
Hey, I wonder what sort of special guests will drop in?

A door opens and in comes ROSIE O'DONNELL.

ROSIE O'DONNELL
How about me!

JEFF ZUCKER
Damn, our ratings just went lower than the CW!

BEN SILVERMAN
I'll handle it!

Ben Silverman smacks Rosie O'donnell over the head with the champagne bottle, knocking her out.

JEFF ZUCKER
That just boosted us up past the 90210 reunion special.

BEN SILVERMAN
They're reuniting the cast from the original show?

JEFF ZUCKER
No the remake.

There's a thumping on a closet door.

JEFF ZUCKER
I wonder who that could be?

Jeff Zucker opens the closet door and there's JAY LENO tied to a chair.

JAY LENO
Let me out of here!

JEFF ZUCKER
Hey Jay Leno, why don't you join us in a song.

JAY LENO
Why don't you let me free?
(to audience)
They have me working 7 days a week!
They got in prime-time, late night,
and I'm even hosting the Today Show now!
I haven't slept in months!

(to Jeff Zucker)
Either set me free or let me die!

JEFF ZUCKER
I think we can do better than that!

BEN SILVERMAN Let's sing him a song!

The pair start "The 12 Days of Xmas."

JEFF & BEN
On the first day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
A job running N-B-C.

On the second day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.

On the third day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Three sit-coms,
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Four talk shows,
Three sit-coms,
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Five Olympic rings!
Four talk shows,
Three sit-coms,
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Six Tina Feys doing Palin,
Five Olympic rings!
Four talk shows,
Three sit-coms,
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Seven nights a-sinking,
Six Tina Feys doing Palin,
Five Olympic rings!
Four talk shows,
Three sit-coms,
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Eight remakes we’re milking,
Seven nights a-sinking,
Six Tina Feys doing Palin,
Five Olympic rings!
Four talk shows,
Three sit-coms,
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Nine Law & Order spinoffs,
Eight remakes we’re milking,
Seven nights a-sinking,
Six Tina Feys doing Palin,
Five Olympic rings!
Four talk shows,
Three sit-coms,
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Ten lay-off pink-slips,
Nine Law & Order spinoffs,
Eight remakes we’re milking,
Seven nights a-sinking,
Six Tina Feys doing Palin,
Five Olympic rings!
Four talk shows,
Three sit-coms,
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Eleven executives fired,
Ten lay-off pink-slips,
Nine Law & Order spinoffs,
Eight remakes we’re milking,
Seven nights a-sinking,
Six Tina Feys doing Palin,
Five Olympic rings!
Four talk shows,
Three sit-coms,
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Only twelve viewers viewing,
Eleven executives fired,
Ten lay-off pink-slips,
Nine Law & Order spinoffs,
Eight remakes we’re milking,
Seven nights a-sinking,
Six Tina Feys doing Palin,
Five Olympic rings!
Four talk shows,
Three sit-coms,
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.

The song ends.

JEFF ZUCKER
That was fun. Wasn't it Jay? Jay?

Jay Leno's chair lies on the floor, he's not moving.

BEN SILVERMAN
I'll start defrosting Conan O'Brian.

JEFF ZUCKER
And that's all for NBC's All Star Holiday Special.
Stay tuned for reruns of Knight Rider: The Next Generation.
Goodnight, and happy holidays.

Now those two guys know real entertainment, that should beat the "Star Wars Holiday Special" for the greatest of all time.