Thanks to my unique gifts of prognostication, prestidigitation and frequent mastication, I have obtained a transcript of a show that hasn't even been made yet. That's right I'm talking about the NBC ALL-STAR HOLIDAY SPECIAL from the misty and mysterious future of Christmas 2009.
FADE IN:
INT. ASPEN SKI LODGE LIVING ROOM -- EVENING
The sun is setting outside. The room is decorated for the holidays in a pleasant, nondenominational way, and a fire roars in an elegant stone fireplace.
Enter JEFF ZUCKER, carrying some mistletoe and he appears to be surprised to see the camera there.JEFF ZUCKERMusic starts to swell in the background, it goes to the melody of "I'll Be Home For Xmas."
Hi there. I wasn't expecting you so early.
I'm Jeff Zucker CEO of NBC-Universal,
and I'd like to welcome you to my Aspen Ski lodge
and the NBC All-Star Holiday Special.JEFF ZUCKERJeff Zucker takes a wad of money and tosses it into the fireplace.
(singing)
I'll get a bonus for Christmas,
You can count on me,
I'll save some dough,
Cancel more shows,
And have cash b'neath my tree...JEFF ZUCKERThere's a knock on the door.
(still singing)
Christmas eve will find me,
Where the rich and famous ski,
I'll get a bonus for Christmas,
While crashing N-B-C...!Music fades.JEFF ZUCKER
Who could that be?
Jeff Zucker opens the door. It's BEN SILVERMAN.JEFF ZUCKER
Hey, it's Ben Silverman! Who'd have thunk it.
BEN SILVERMAN
Hey-hey Zuckerino!
I was in the neighbourhood
and I thought I'd drop in with a present.
JEFF ZUCKER
Is it a show people will watch?
Both men share a hearty laugh.BEN SILVERMANBoth men break into their own version of "Deck The Halls"
Nope. It's a song.
JEFF & BEN
Our careers sure are funny
Fa la la la la la la la la
Our network's losing loads of money,
Fa la la la la la la la la
A new yacht we'll buy and sail,
Fa la la la la la la la la
While NBC's shows all fail,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
See the blazing fools before you
Fa la la la la la la la la
Who get paid no matter what they do
Fa la la la la la la la la
Follow us in merry measure
Fa la la la la la la la la
While we get paid a load of treasure
Fa la la la la la la la la
Fast away pilot season passes,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Everyone's tossed on their asses,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Except the pair of us together,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Heedless of ratings and weather,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
The song ends and Jeff Zucker pops open a bottle of champagne.JEFF ZUCKERBen Silverman takes the bottle and starts drinking straight from it.
That was fun.
BEN SILVERMAN
And it's public domain, so we saved a fortune.
JEFF ZUCKER
Care for some bubbly.
BEN SILVERMAN
Certainly.JEFF ZUCKERA door opens and in comes ROSIE O'DONNELL.
Hey, I wonder what sort of special guests will drop in?ROSIE O'DONNELLBen Silverman smacks Rosie O'donnell over the head with the champagne bottle, knocking her out.
How about me!
JEFF ZUCKER
Damn, our ratings just went lower than the CW!
BEN SILVERMAN
I'll handle it!JEFF ZUCKER
That just boosted us up past the 90210 reunion special.
BEN SILVERMAN
They're reuniting the cast from the original show?
JEFF ZUCKER
No the remake.
There's a thumping on a closet door.JEFF ZUCKERJeff Zucker opens the closet door and there's JAY LENO tied to a chair.
I wonder who that could be?JAY LENO
Let me out of here!
JEFF ZUCKER
Hey Jay Leno, why don't you join us in a song.
JAY LENO
Why don't you let me free?
(to audience)
They have me working 7 days a week!
They got in prime-time, late night,
and I'm even hosting the Today Show now!
I haven't slept in months!
(to Jeff Zucker)
Either set me free or let me die!JEFF ZUCKERThe pair start "The 12 Days of Xmas."
I think we can do better than that!
BEN SILVERMAN Let's sing him a song!JEFF & BEN
On the first day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
A job running N-B-C.
On the second day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.
On the third day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Three sit-coms,
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.
On the fourth day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Four talk shows,
Three sit-coms,
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.
On the fifth day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Five Olympic rings!
Four talk shows,
Three sit-coms,
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.
On the sixth day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Six Tina Feys doing Palin,
Five Olympic rings!
Four talk shows,
Three sit-coms,
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.
On the seventh day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Seven nights a-sinking,
Six Tina Feys doing Palin,
Five Olympic rings!
Four talk shows,
Three sit-coms,
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.
On the eighth day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Eight remakes we’re milking,
Seven nights a-sinking,
Six Tina Feys doing Palin,
Five Olympic rings!
Four talk shows,
Three sit-coms,
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.
On the ninth day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Nine Law & Order spinoffs,
Eight remakes we’re milking,
Seven nights a-sinking,
Six Tina Feys doing Palin,
Five Olympic rings!
Four talk shows,
Three sit-coms,
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.
On the tenth day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Ten lay-off pink-slips,
Nine Law & Order spinoffs,
Eight remakes we’re milking,
Seven nights a-sinking,
Six Tina Feys doing Palin,
Five Olympic rings!
Four talk shows,
Three sit-coms,
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.
On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Eleven executives fired,
Ten lay-off pink-slips,
Nine Law & Order spinoffs,
Eight remakes we’re milking,
Seven nights a-sinking,
Six Tina Feys doing Palin,
Five Olympic rings!
Four talk shows,
Three sit-coms,
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.
On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My GE board gave to me:
Only twelve viewers viewing,
Eleven executives fired,
Ten lay-off pink-slips,
Nine Law & Order spinoffs,
Eight remakes we’re milking,
Seven nights a-sinking,
Six Tina Feys doing Palin,
Five Olympic rings!
Four talk shows,
Three sit-coms,
Two manic moguls,
and a job running N-B-C.
The song ends.JEFF ZUCKERJay Leno's chair lies on the floor, he's not moving.
That was fun. Wasn't it Jay? Jay?BEN SILVERMAN
I'll start defrosting Conan O'Brian.
JEFF ZUCKER
And that's all for NBC's All Star Holiday Special.
Stay tuned for reruns of Knight Rider: The Next Generation.
Goodnight, and happy holidays.
Now those two guys know real entertainment, that should beat the "Star Wars Holiday Special" for the greatest of all time.
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