Friday, 26 May 2006

What The DaVinci Code Doesn't Want You To Know!

We're currently beseiged by hype for the book/movie/upcoming fad diet program The DaVinci Code. Bookstores are swamped with tawdry little tomes all claiming to uncover the secrets of the mysterious Priory of Sion.

Well look no further.

The final, and I mean final word on these issues can be found right here on this blog. I have obtained a record of the last meeting of the Priory of Sion. Take a look and judge for yourself who has the real truth!




It was a dark and stormy night. Abbot Gregorius, an aged yet still spry monk and most senior member of our dark conspiracy had seemed tense, but you'd be tense too if you were about to engineer a coup of your Grand Master.

"Is everyone here Guiseppe?" asked Abbot Gregorius, his voice creaking like old boards on an ancient ship sailing some cold and prehistoric ocean.

"The High Council is all here," I said, looking over my shoulder at the impressive gathering of Cardinals, Princes, and Scholars. Some would say the most brilliant minds in Europe were in attendance in that simple back room at the Vatican. We were one brilliant mind short, and that was why we were meeting.

There was a knock on the secret chamber door. It was the classic "shave & a haircut--two bits" knock. That wasn't the right secret knock, so we knew who it had to be.

"Enter Leonardo," commanded Abbot Gregorius.

The mighty oaken slab swung open and in walked the man whom many said possessed the greatest mind in all of Italy, if not the world. Leonardo DaVinci himself.

"Hi guys," squawked Leonardo, his voice echoing down the halls and onto the street outside, barely drowned out by the thunder. "Am I late for our secret meeting? I hope I didn't miss on any conspiracies."

"Indoor voice Leo," said Abbot Gregorius.

"Oops, my bad," said Leonardo as he slammed the door loud enough to, if not wake the dead, make them grumble and turn over. "Wow, looks like everybody's here. What's with the pow-wow boys?"

"Leonardo DaVinci," said Abbot Gregorius, his tone grave, "you have been summoned to the High Council to be stripped of your post of Grand Master."


"You're fired."

"You can't fire me," declared Loenardo, "I'm the Grand Master of our secret conspiracy."

"You obviously haven't read the charter," grumbled Cardinal Adolphus of Umbria shaking his massive head like a boulder in an earthquake. "If the High Council decides unanimously to fire your skinny dago ass, we can fire your skinny dago ass. It even uses those exact words!"

"Why?" asked Leonardo, looking confused. "I thought you gave me the job because I was the most brilliant man in Italy!"

"We did," said Abbot Gregorius, "and you are brilliant. You're mind is unsurpassed in many artistic and scientific fields, but..."

"But what?"

"You're a flake Leo," answered the Ancient Abbot. "You have the attention span of a flea that's hopped up on caffeine. You rarely, if ever, finish what you start, you can't concentrate on anything for longer than a minute-- LEO!"

"Sorry Greg," said Leonardo, "Umberto's hat pin is just so damn shiny."

"Pay attention," snapped Gregorius. "You're unreliable with the simplest tasks. Dammit Leo, you even forgot to wear your pantaloons to this meeting!"

"That's it," said DaVinci. "I thought it was a little drafty."

"Plus," continued Abbot Gregorius, "your decisions lately have been questionable at best. Take for instance your hiring of the six and half foot tall albino to be the Priory's Assassin."

"Come on," pleaded Leonardo, "Paulo looks real intimidating with height thing and the white hair. How can he not be great?"

"He's half blind!" barked Abbot Gregorius. "Last week he was supposed to assassinate the Turkish Ambassador, I found him garroting a coat-rack!"

"An easy mistake," said Leonardo, "the Ambassador's a skinny little bastard."

"Plus," interjected Prince Otto of Scheissekopf, "what's with all the stupid code crap your planting all willy-nilly all over Europe about a child borne of relations between Our Saviour Jesus and Mary Magdalene?"

"I just think it sounds cool," answered Leonardo, shuffling his feet.

"Cool!" barked Gregorius. "We are a secret society, we do not advertise, even in a silly code, nor do we advertise stuff we just pulled out of ass! Don't you realise what some dorky hack writer could do with all your code crap in future years."

"Yes," added Cardinal Adolphus, "we could be looking at an entire generation overwhelmed with annoying conspiracy theories and hype."

"That's why we are stripping you of your title of Grand Master!" declared Gregorius. "Hand over your secret decorder ring. You can keep the official secret society underwear until you find your pants. You are banished from this organisation, and to make your banishment even worse, we're having ribs and Otto's brought a keg."

"Noooo!" wailed Leonardo as two council members dragged him away. That was the last time I saw Leonardo, and the last meeting ever of the Priory of Sion.

We decided to disband the next day, declaring that the real secret we kept was so horrible, that it was best if we scattered and allowed it to be forgotten.

Alas, I did not forget, and I will tell you that secret. The secret is.....

Whoah, better wrap that up before someone gets hurt. Well, I think that clears up this whole Dan Brown/DaVinci business once and for all.

Friday, 19 May 2006

YouTube is Evil

And that is what makes it so damn good...

Enjoy this traditional Irish ditty... (Warning NSFW)

My Paul McCartney Temporal Paradox Story...*

News of his impending divorce has led to renewed interest in ex-Beatle/seal-hugger Paul McCartney.

This includes the crazy rumour that he had died in the 60's and had been replaced by a look-alike.

Well, that crazy story happens to be both true and untrue at the same time.

Allow me to explain...

It all started when was playing around with my temporal anomaly generator. I had opened a portal into London in the mid-1960's, and looking to cause some havoc with the timeline I packed up my pet badger Chompy and we jumped in.

Well to make a long story short Chompy and I ended up at a card game in a swank private club in the Mayfair district and before the night was through I had shagged Ursula Andress, bitch-slapped David Hemmings, a gun went off and Paul McCartney lay in a bloody heap on the floor, with Chompy chewing off his right foot.

I came back to my own time to discover that while my little misadventure had prevented that shitty duet with Michael Jackson I had done terrible damage to the timeline and put the Earth on a course of inevitable destruction.

In this timeline DISCO NEVER ENDED!

I'm not sure why this had happened, just that it did. The ebb and flow of temporal space is infinitely complex, but I did know that the death of Paul McCartney had somehow caused it. So I fired up the time machine, set it for two minutes before the gun went off, and leapt in.

Long story short, I prevented Paul from getting shot, shagged Ursula Andress again, and bitch slapped David Hemmings again, for no good reason.

When Chompy and I came back the world was back to normal.


Disco was over, but the world was ruled by a race of superintelligent cockroaches. I had to go back again to prevent it from happening, but that's another story...

Chompy in one of his quieter, less homicidal moments

*The story contained in the post is not in anyway true and should only be believed by folks who think the DaVinci Code is non-fiction.