Sunday, 30 May 2010

Hollywood Babble On & On #522: The Hobbit Hobbled?

Welcome to the show folks...

Director Guillermo Del Toro has ankled The Hobbit, the prequel adventure of the epic
Lord of the Rings Trilogy. At the time of this writing I'm not sure if he left because he didn't want to commit to a 6 year shooting schedule (WTF?) or got forced out for not wanting to shoot it in the flavor of the month digital 3D.

It doesn't really matter. What really matters is who will take over the troubled project, or if the film will ever be made. So let's look at the usual suspects.
1. PETER JACKSON: Directed the original LOTR trilogy, is co-writing the script, and actually lives in the country where the film will be shot. But he's denying any possibility of him making The Hobbit, possibly feeling pissy that his last film, The Lovely Bones, didn't win him the Oscars it was supposed to, and that if he wins again for another Tolkien film he might doubt if he won for his own talent, or Tolkien's.

2. SAM RAIMI: He's been linked to the film before, and since he's recently been shit-canned from the Spider-Man trilogy, he's available. However, there are these questions: Will he do it? and Can he do it in a way that MGM can possibly afford?

3. NEILL BLOMKAMP: His breakout film District 9 made him a hot property, he's a protege of Jackson's, but the problem is that his dance card is pretty full for the foreseeable future, and he can't find any Apartheid metaphors in Tolkien's work.

4. STEVEN SPIELBERG: He's got Oscars, he's got a background in genre movies, and he's reportedly on good terms with Jackson, with whom he's developing a TinTin franchise. However, The Hobbit is owned by MGM, not Dreamworks, and Stevie doesn't do movies he don't own no more.

5. MICHAEL BAY: Despite the opinion of many that he's the spawn of perdition's flames, his movies usually make shitloads of money. But he's used to running his own ship, and generally driving his supposed studio masters around the twist with his antics and attitude. In other words, he's too uppity, and most likely to go completely his own way, and make a movie called BAD HOBBITS starring Will Smith and Nicholas Cage as Bilbo and Dildo Baggins, two gun toting hobbits blasting their way across Middle Earth and shagging Elf babes.

Not that I've got anything against some pointy-eared elf-babe action, it just wouldn't be a faithful adaptation of the book loved by millions.

6. BRETT RATNER: One of the few commercially successful filmmakers with even more haters than Bay, many of them genre film fans. I fear the he'll end up being the studio's choice, because he'll do what he's told, and is the default go-to guy when you absolutely positively have to sink a franchise overnight.

Let me know who you think will most likely take over The Hobbit.


  1. BAD HOBBITS starring Will Smith and Nicholas Cage as Bilbo and Dildo Baggins, two gun toting hobbits blasting their way across Middle Earth and shagging Elf babes.

    I'd buy that for a dollar!!

  2. Someone should tie down the rights to National Lampoon's "Bored of the Rings". It actually had a Dildo Bugger. (Playing Bilbo's part along with Frito Bugger taking the place of Frodo.) The entire Lord of the Rings trilogy satirized in a novel shorter than your average romance novel and done without losing any of the flavor of the original.

    With that said, the whole idea of the Hobbit movie disturbs me. I'm one of those militant fans of the source material who wasn't overly happy with the LOTR movies.

    So much there that they did right(SFX, costuming, casting, GOLLUM!!) only to spoil it by arbitrary changes in plot. Probably the worst offender being the whole 'Ents' portion of The Two Towers.

    Nothing like an arbitrary plot point change to yank a source material fan right out of a movie.

    Ok, I'll shut up now.

  3. je pressman1/6/10 5:54 pm

    A new director for The Hobbit,why not Lars Van certainly would be edgy. Actually Peter Weir is a favorite director of mine. He has quite a resume,I'm sure the film would be worth watching.

  4. I hope the Tolkien family can keep the movie from being made.

  5. How 'bout we let Rankin-Bass take another swing at it?

    Y'know, I was 21 when 'Return of the King' won Best Picture. At the time, I absolutely loved Jackson's adaptation. Now...I dunno. Partly because I'm not as wide-eyed about movies, partly because I hang around a more critical crowd, and partly because I have nothing but contempt for Jackson's 'King Kong' and 'Lovely Bones'. Somewhere in between those factors, I've become less tolerant, and more willing to give credence to complaints about Aragorn the Wuss and Gimli the Comedy Relief.