Monday, 2 January 2012

Hollywood Babble On & On #830: 12 for 2012!

2011 is done and dusted, 2012 is upon us, so I'm going to use my psychic ability to tap into the time stream and predict THE FUTURE!

I have 12 predictions for 2012!

Let us begin...

1. Justin Bieber's career will go into decline when his body develops a resistance to the drugs his management's been giving him to stave off puberty.

2. Adam Sandler will be involved in the making of a shitty movie.

3. Hollywood studios will attempt to fight the doldrums that made 2011's box office so poor by remaking every film released in 2011, but doing it louder, and in 3D.

4. Scientists will invent time travel in 2012. Then again in 2005, 1993 & finally in 1986.

5. The comic book movie trend will reach its nadir with the release of the $350 million production of Little Lulu 3D starring Julia Roberts in the title role.

6. The world will learn the secret the success of the Kardashian clan. Stupid people who buy their shit.

7. Al Pacino will have a moment of clarity and realize that he's been hamming it up way to much for a very long time. Sadly, that moment will be brief.

8. ABBA will reunite to do an album of Lady Gaga songs called "Bjorn This Way."

9. Charlie Sheen will learn the true meaning of the word "winning" when he suddenly realizes that he really is not winning.

10. The decline of the movie star as a cultural force and box office draw will continue.

11.  Hollywood's denial of the decline of the movie star will become even more adamant, and star salaries will continue to climb.

12. The Mayan Calendar Doomsday bullshit will not end until December 31st 2012.


  1. So here is my question for the might of Furious D's potent cranium.

    The SyFy channel is renowned for its inept and stupid movies. Yet they are somehow able to recognize and host some good television series (Battlestar Galactica springs to mind). What gives?

  2. Oh, I can answer Sandy's question.

    You see, it is a well known fact that like every 2d character from video games, etc, hollywood execs have a limited allotment of points for their stats, int, cha, str, etc.

    As such, for every good decision an exec makes, they are then left with too few points and must make a bad decision until the cooldown passes and their total points are restored.

    Thus, SyFy uses up their int on tv shows, leaving single digit IQs to select the movies they produce.

    As for Mr D, I believe he is mistaken. #12 should actually be, "We all realize that the Mayan Calendar was a warning that we'd all WISH for doomsday."

  3. I have long argued that the age of the movie star is basically over. It's an indication of how poorly run Hollywood is that the studios refuse to acknowledge this, despite the fact that it gives them bargaining leverage to reduce moronically high 'star' salaries.

    My primary theories on this are that a) even suits get into movies largely for the glamour, and if 'stars' are largely passe, then there's a lot less glamour to rub off on them, and b) the collapse of a reliable, commonly understood formula to make successful movies terrifies them because they lack any idea of how to make, you know, actually good movies.