Some folks got some egg on their face yesterday by reporting rumors that the Weinstein Bros. regained their company Miramax, but Disney was quick to poo-poo those reports, and say that the auction was still on with no clear winner yet.
Which got me thinking. The Weinstein Bros. are backed by supermarket billionaire Ron Burkle and hedge fund Fortress-Colbeck, and I wondered if the Freres Weinstein would treat them the same way that they have reportedly treated investors in the past.
Luckily, my hobby is mad science, and that would provide me the answers I seek. So I cranked up COLOSSUS my mega-super-computer, hooked it up to my time machine, hooked both of those to my alternate dimension portal generator, making me able to record a telephone call from a possible future where the Weinsteins win back Miramax, and reproduce the transcript here for you.
A stunning vision of a possible future, if I do say so myself.TRANSCRIPT OF PHONE CALL BETWEEN BILLIONAIRE INVESTOR RON BURKLE & PRODUCER HARVEY WEINSTEIN.
RECORDED ON MAY 27th, 2013 FROM ALTERNATE FUTURE 318-OMEGA-B.
BURKLE- Hi, Harvey, it's Ron here.
HARVEY- Burkle baby, how the f*ck are you?
BURKLE- Well, Harvey, I've been talking to the guys over at Fortress-Colbeck--
HARVEY- What the f*ck are you saying? Are you f*cking talking sh*t about me behind my f*cking back!
BURKLE- No one is talking sh*t Harv. We just have some concerns about how Miramax is being run.
HARVEY- What the f*ck do you know about the f*cking movie business you grocery peddling f*ckwad! I'm Harvey f*cking Weinstein, I've forgotten more about the f*cking movie business than a f*cking cabbage f*cking f*ckface will ever f*cking know!!
BURKLE- Calm down Harv.
HARVEY- I AM F*CKING CALM!! CAN'T YOU HEAR JUST HOW F*CKING CALM I AM!
BURKLE- We're not questioning your experience Harvey. We just want to know why, after we spent over $600 million to buy the company, and several hundred million dollars more for productions and acquisitions, yet there hasn't been a single film released.
HARVEY- You can't f*cking tell me where and when I can f*cking release the f*cking movies I spent f*cking millions of your f*cking dollars making or buying! If I want to f*cking sit on a f*cking movie until all f*cking interest in it is f*cking wasted, and along with it all that f*cking money, I'LL SIT ON THAT F*CKING MOVIE! I'm f*cking rich, and that proves I'm f*cking right!
BURKLE- Technically Harv, I'm actually a lot richer than you--
HARVEY- You f*cking rat soup eating f*cking honky motherf*cker! You f*cking think you know better than me! Do you!?! I'll f*cking sink this f*cking company and you won't f*cking see a single f*cking dime from this sh*theap! NOT ONE F*CKING DIME! You'll never get that f*cking Oscar I f*cking promised you either! I'll f*cking sink that f*cking movie with f*cking Kate Winslet as the f*cking mentally retarded f*cking Nazi with terminal f*cking cancer who f*cking teaches f*cking inner city kids how to f*cking love f*cking Shakespeare through f*cking interpretive dance!
BURKLE- Sheesh Harv, don't you think you're over-reacting?
HARVEY- Are you f*cking saying I'm f*cking over-reacting? YOU F*CKING BAG-BOY! I'LL DESTROY THIS F*CKING COMPANY & YOU WON'T F*CKING GET F*CKING ANYTHING! NOT ONE F*CKING DIME!
BURKLE- Is that how you feel about this Harvey?
HARVEY- Don't f*cking push me you donkeyf*cker! I built this f*cking company, and I'll f*cking destroy it if I f*cking want to! Now f*cking gimme another f*cking $300 million, or I f*cking swear, I'll f*cking burn this whole f*cking thing to the f*cking ground!
BURKLE- Oh, Harvey, you so crazy. How can I stay mad at you?