Saturday Silliness Cinema: A Blizzard of Izzard

Note-- This week my computer was infected with malware, forcing me to have my hard-drive wiped clean and rebuilt with new security measures by a professional. I lost my digital photo program, as well as some other stuff, and until I get something set up, I will be a tad light on the new gag-pictures.

But I'm still capable of delivering the silliness for Saturday. And in response to the positive reaction of Eddie Izzard fans to last week's salute to the 4 Yorkshiremen, I now present a veritable blizzard of Izzard, through the magical medium of LEGO!

Death Star Canteen



Cake or Death


James Bond

Light Blogging For A Bit

I won't be able to blog much for the next while.

It seems my computer got slapped with some malware trying to get me give my credit card numbers to the mob. McAfee, the security service I trusted, not only let it through their firewall, but refused to acknowledge that it was even there, and wanted me to pay extra for them to fix what their incompetence let in.

So I had to take it to a professional computer technician to get it fixed. Which is going to take a while, so I'm not going to be posting as much until this mess gets settled.

The Case of the Junked Jobs

It was a busy day for my lone wolf operation, my phone was ringing off the hook, people were missing stuff, and when their stuff went missing they needed me to find it.

Because I'm Furious D, and I'm a dick, a private dick.

People hire me to find the answers, even when they don't know the question, though when I first heard the knocking on my office window I had a question of my own.

Who'd be knocking on my window? Which happened to be on the top floor of the Leakyroof Towers, a bleak brick monstrosity, that lay on the corner where Easy Street met the Boulevard of Broken Dreams on the outskirts of Hollywood. I pulled the blind, who then excused themselves and got away from my window so I could see who was out there.

It was a mountain.

Literally a mountain, and a very famous mountain at that. It wasn't Everest, it was Perry the Paramount mountain.

"I need your help," said Perry.

"What's the rumpus?" I asked in my coyfully outdated way.

"I got canned," answered Perry, "they fired me, after almost nine decades I got laid off without so much as a 'how do you do.'"

"Why did you get fired?"

"I don't know," said Perry with a shrug, causing an avalanche that buried a passing convertible, "when I ask, all I get is the high hat."

"Thanks for tossing in the noir slang," I said.

"Anything to help," said Perry, "can you find out why I got fired, I mean I got a wife and a small mountain range to support."

"Sure," I said, "and it'll be a freebie, since I still owe you for Tijuana."

"Aw," said Perry wistfully, "those were the days. Thanks Furious."

***

I hit the road to find some answers.

The road didn't respond well to the hitting, and neither did my knuckles from the asphalt, so I moved on. To find the answer I had to get to the heart of darkness itself, I had to go to Paramount Studios.

"Do you have an appointment?" asked the Guard at the famous Paramount gates.

"Sure," I said, "I'm delivering lunch to the legal department."

"You don't have any food?" asked the guard.

"They're cannibals," I said, "and I'm suicidal."

"Can I see some identification?"

"Sure," I answered, holding out my middle finger, "here's my fingerprint."

"You can't be from around here," said the guard, "you're too polite. How do I know you're not some psycho nut-job?"

"The voices in my head say I'm a great guy," I answered.

"Why am I even asking?" asked the Guard as he opened the gate. "Since I just got my pink slip, who gives a crap!"

"That's a healthy attitude," I said as I went in.

***

The Paramount lot was quiet.

Too quiet.

A tumbleweed rolled by, and it wasn't a prop from a western, but the real deal.

I felt like Charlton Heston in the Omega Man, but without the albinos in the groovy black robes. Which was a bit of a bummer. I made my way to the executive suite, and went inside, the door creaked and hung loosely from its hinges.

"Hello," I asked, my voice echoing down the hall. I was hoping to exchange some saucy repartee with the receptionist, but she was gone, a small chicken in her place, pecking at the buttons on the switchboard as they lit up.

I walked down the hall, to the office of the CEO. The door was open and I poked my head in. Okay, it wasn't technically my head, but one I found on the street, but I found it, so it was mine now.

"Hello," said a voice from inside, "who are you?"

"I'm Furious D," I said, "I'm a dick."

"I'm sure you are," replied the man at the big desk. "I guess you know who I am."

"Sure I do," I answered, "you're the big cheese, the alpha dog, the big kahuna, the head dingus in charge of this heap."

"That's right," said the CEO, "and why are you here, and why are you carrying a head?"

"Why are you laying off everyone left and right?"

"Well," said the CEO, "money's tight. Sacrifices have to be made."

"So you're giving up your bonus?"

"Don't talk crazy," said the CEO. "That's a justified reward for all my hard work."

"But you just said that money's tight," I said, "and that sacrifices have to be made. I think you, as the highest paid person here should have to sacrifice something before you start laying off the ordinary working folks."

"But then I wouldn't get my bonus?" asked the CEO, a look of confusion on his face.

"And maybe you could also take a pay cut," I said, "perhaps basing your pay on how well the company performs under your leadership."

"Now you're talking crazy," said the CEO, "because if I did that I'd be lucky to get paid at all, let alone get a bonus that could feed Bangladesh for a year."

"But it doesn't give you much motivation to do a good job," I said, "you've lost Dreamworks, your financing is iffy, a lot of your recent hits were produced by others, and you're parent company is over a billion bucks in the hole. Maybe if your pay was based on performance, the company would be doing better."

The CEO started rubbing his head. "Damn," he said, "all this thinking is making my head hurt! Where's my secretary? Oh, right, I fired her to get me a new company car.... Damn you!" The CEO then screamed and leaped out of his open window.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!" yelled the CEO.

"Stop you're goofing," I said, "you're on the ground floor."

"Stop ruining my dramatic moment," barked the CEO, before storming off in a huff.

I think I found the answer to my mystery.

CASE CLOSED

Hollywood Babble On & On #199: Moguls, The Gift The Keeps On Giving...

The folks who run the major studios continue to amaze me. Every time I think they can't make themselves look any greedier, or more incompetent, they find a new low to sink to.

The latest instalment in the ongoing shenanigans that keep this blog going (ht-Nikki Finke) is that the AMPTP has confessed that they have been negligent in living up to their side of their contract with the Writers Guild by not paying the residuals for on-line sales. Now while the non-payment is old news, and about as predictable as the tides, the real sinker is their reason why...

The say it is too complicated for them to pay their bills.

Is it just me, or does it sound like an arsonist complaining that it's too hot in the building he just set on fire.

These are the people who can waste twelve legal sized pages in a contract to determine the number of breakfast bagels an actor can get from the craft service table during a shoot, and they're complaining about something being too complicated!

I'm not sure if the correct description is chutzpah or bullshit.

This is the natural result of Hollywood's self-fulfilling idiocy.

If you're a new reader, a self-fulfilling idiocy is like a self-fulfilling prophecy, except it's about doing something that someone thinks is a solution that can only make things worse, and obviously so.

For decades the studios have been able to screw just about everyone from screenwriters to shareholders by using a "bullshit baffles brains" strategy when it came it writing contracts. If they could make the contract so convoluted, complicated, and constipated, then they could get away with anything they want. It would all be legal, because paragraph 69, of subsection 44 of clause 89, says it's legal, perhaps, it's sort of vague, and there's no point in fighting it, because you'll go bankrupt from legal fees before the studios do.

Now the studios think they're clever by doing this, but that's only because they can't work up the effort to ask themselves exactly what they're accomplishing. Sure, they're avoiding paying their bills, but where exactly does that money seem to go?

It's certainly not going to shareholders, major media companies are black holes when it comes to stock value, and that goes far beyond the market's current problems.

It's not saving money, production, distribution, and marketing costs all have inflationary levels similar to Weimar Germany. Which everyone expecting a financial fisting, they're demanding bigger and bigger money up front, which will essentially price the studios out of business.

In fact, the only real winners in this issue are the law and accounting firms who rake in millions in fees every year composing these contracts, trying to find ways out of them, and bankrupting anyone who challenges them in court.

So maybe the moguls should remember the KISS principle: Keep It Simple Stupid. It'll probably save them millions in the future.

Hollywood Babble On & On #198: The Moguls Speak, But What Are They Saying?

The AMPTP, the association of movie studios, has released the following statement (h/t Nikki Finke) concerning their non-going negotiations with the Screen Actors Guild (SAG). Read it, and then I'll let you know what I think about it.

(CLICK TO ENLARGE)

1. The first thing I've learned is that negotiations between labour and management should never be handled by labour-management negotiation "experts."

Why?

Because, no matter what side of the issue you are on, the "experts" earn the big money by making problems worse. Face, how many billable hours can one get if they both negotiated like real businessmen, found a mutually beneficial deal, shook hands, and settled everything in less than a week? That won't put your kids through Harvard.

So you get "experts" advising the union to raise the black flag, man the barricades, and strike a blow for the workers revolution, while the "experts" advising the studios are telling them that they can break the union, replace it with one that's more malleable to their wishes (AFTRA I'm casting a hairy eyeball in your direction), and rule the world transforming the industry into one huge Dickensian workhouse where the top management are the only ones that get paid.

That's why you get negotiations getting turned from business into war.

Sadly, the studios are being told what they want to hear by their experts, and are perfectly content to let those experts run the show. Basically because these experts are paid with other people's money, and that money to the moguls costs way less than actually getting off their pampered behinds and doing something for themselves.

The Actor's union feels that it doesn't really have much of a choice in the issue of hiring their own experts. These are actors after all, and very few of them have the education and background needed to understand the arcane mysteries surrounding labour laws and negotiation tactics. Which is why I think both sides should each get an agent. Two obnoxious type-A bulldogs who can't be bribed, bullied, or bullshitted, and will not give up until they get a deal that makes both of their clients happy, and a nice fee package in their own bank accounts.

2. The AMPTP are still trying their same old "divide & conquer" strategy claiming that what SAG wants will somehow put them over the directors, writers, and other trades. But the statement neglects to mention that sticking point that actually does separate actors from the rest.

Their faces.

The AMPTP wants the use of clips from movies for advertisements, web based special materials, and anything else they can use them to make money with. The actors don't like this because many of the bigger names have their own endorsement deals, and aren't looking for conflicts that could jeopardize one of their chief revenue streams, and the character actors and supporting players don't want their faces being used to sell everything from cola to cars without at least getting paid for it.

And just imagine what the continuously rapidly developing technology can do. Imagine you're an unknown actor, you make a few films in supporting parts before you get your big break and become the biggest star in the world. Well, if this matter isn't settled, the makers of the films you were a supporting player in, can take clips of you in their films, doctor them digitally, and have you shilling vaccuum cleaners to video-players, raking in millions for themselves, and you don't get a dime from it.

Are you going to settle for that?

So they do have an extra dog in the fight, and they need control over their own faces.

There is a third way, where everyone can get at least most of what they want, and walk away happy, and unscrewed. But I don't think the experts are going to let that happen.

Saturday Silliness Cinema: A Salute To 4 Yorkshiremen

When I was in junior high (way back in the 1980s) a group of kids, their brains demented by exposure to Monty Python Live At The Hollywood Bowl, did their own version of one of the skits from that movie. It was the first time I would see anyone perform The Four Yorkshiremen sketch. It was about four "self-made men" from Yorkshire sitting at their club enjoying their drinks and cigars, and reminiscing about their past.

And that's when it starts to get weird...

That simple premise created a comedy classic, but contrary to popular belief it was not originally a Monty Python sketch. It was originally written and performed by John (Monty Python) Cleese, Tim (The Goodies) Brooke-Taylor, Graham (Monty Python) Chapman, and Marty (Young Frankenstein) Feldman for their ITV sketch series At Last... The 1948 Show!

Sadly, ITV destroyed most of the episodes of that landmark series, and only a handful survived, luckily, part of that handful was the original performance of The 4 Yorkshiremen.

The sketch would live on in that fine comedy tradition of using whatever works, and was revived by Monty Python for the Hollywood Bowl Show.

The sketch also became a staple of the annual Amnesty International Secret Policemen's Ball show where it's performed by members of Python, and a young upstart named Rowan Atkinson.

And it's not just for comedians, in fact normally dramatic actor Alan Rickman joined in a performance of the sketch at another Amnesty International show, with Eddie Izzard, Harry Enfield, and Vic Reeves.

And as I said before, it's not just for professionals. Amateur theatre/comedy troupes do it to. Like this group the Ullenhall Players of England.

Each performance is subtly different, as each group puts their own twist on an old classic. Enjoy.

The Boob Tube: Rosie's Thanksgiving Turkey

The NBC Peacock turned into a turkey this past week with the disastrous debut of Rosie Live, Ben Silverman's attempt to revive the American variety show with ex-comedian, talk show host, and all around showbiz gadfly Rosie O'Donnell and all her "friends.*"

Now I'm not the type to say "I told you so," but I have to admit, that I did tell you so.

The ratings were tied with a show that's been cancelled, and the reviews from the brave but scarred handful who actually sat through it, will probably go down with the Star Wars Holiday Special in the annals of specials that were made special by their sheer awfulness.

The networks are all rushing to revive the variety genre, offering every celebrity with a bad home-equity loan their own show, because the reality shows and game shows just aren't cutting it anymore, and they need something that's cheaper to make than dramas and sitcoms.

The problem is that not everyone can host a variety show. It's a rare gift, and essential to the show's success. Rosie O'Donnell does not have that gift. Her "nice" act, which carried her talk show, is not real nice, it's phony Hollywood nice, which is based more on ass-kissing the more famous than actually liking anyone, and her hatreds are too militant, to widespread, and just too open. She's the modern equivalent of Arthur Godfrey firing Julius LaRosa on air, but without the charm Godfrey was at least able to fake.

I think variety can have a comeback. It just can't work without the right person.

*Translation: People forced by their NBC contract, and people who are too scared of her to say "no."

Hollywood Babble On & On #197: It's A Settlement, But Is It Settled?

The Writers Guild has a settlement with independent mogul Tyler Perry over the writers fired from his House of Payne show. Apparently it took intervention from the NAACP to help finalize the deal.

The fact that it took the involvement of a group as large and as prominent as the NAACP to help settle what should have been a standard business procedure doesn't bode well for the future of Perry's business, as I explained in my previous post on the matter.

Why don't you give me your opinion.

Hollywood Babble On & On #196: What Can Unions Do?

Things don't look too good for the Hollywood unions. SAG is going on strike, the WGA is angry about the studios not living up to their agreement, and just about everybody is getting screwed over.

What can they do?

Well, here's a short plan for the unions to eventually get the upper hand.

1. NEVER FORGET PRIORITIES. Too many times unions, especially in show business, get distracted from their ultimate goal by internal politics. The end of a contract term is not a good time for divisions to suddenly pop up. They should be settled long before then, so a strong united front can be presented. This is because the AMPTP has made negotiations into war, not business, and in war, there is only one goal: Getting the best contract they can get.

2. PLAN AHEAD. As soon as a contract is signed, plans should be made for the next contract. That means getting resources together, preparing a grassroots alternative media campaign, and knowing exactly what they want, and how they can get it. This also means putting together a big war chest for the worst case scenario of a strike, and figuring out what your opponent will do against you, and develop the proper countermeasures.

3. REMAIN CALM. There will be problems, and no matter how well you prepare, there will be some who break away. And when livelihoods are threatened, tempers can get short, but you cannot lose your temper. Anger is a tool of your enemy, and whatever they do to you, just shrug it off and enact your plan to neutralize it.

The big media companies will always try to make the showbiz unions look like a conclave of rich spoiled brats having temper tantrums. Do not prove them right. Always calmly state your case, work to get your word out, and do not let them set you up. You should also never give them anything they can use against you in the future, like publishing a list of people to be shunned for breaking with the union. That just allows the AMPTP to compare you to McCarthy, don't let them do it.

4. BE UNITED. One of the biggest problems with the Hollywood unions is that while their contracts all tend to end at the same time, they all negotiate separately. Now sure, each union has different needs, but they have more in common than they think. Now you will have some union leaders, who shall remain nameless, playing silly games, trying to jockey themselves as the last union standing over the others, but since they usually share a lot of members, there are ways around them by replacing that leadership.

Then all the Actors, Writers, and Directors can present a truly united and powerful front for their shared goals. The AMPTP will try to divide and conquer, but that resisted with strength, leadership, and, most importantly, a plan.

5. FIND ALLIES. The self-fulfilling idiocy of the major studios hurts more than just the writers, directors, and actors. Pretty much everyone is getting a royal screw job by the upper management.

Who can they go to?

Try the agents, they're losing their 10% commission on that lost money, and while this may sound a little out there, they should also look to the individual and institutional shareholders and investors. The silly games played by the studios to keep from paying the creators, are also screwing many of the shareholders and investors out of their dividends. In this uncertain economy, no one can afford to piss away money in a tax-dodge. Every investment has to earn or be dumped.

Promoting a simpler, more cost effective, and more profitable business plan can undercut the standing of the management. That's because in Hollywood, only the management seems to profit, through pay, perks and power, while shareholders and investors often don't see the dividends promised by that management.

The unions should make it very clear to these potential allies, that they are not revolutionaries, out to bring capitalism to its knees while stout men in overalls break wind in the palaces of the mighty, but reasonable people, with reasonable demands facing an unreasonable system.

In real capitalism there is always a way for everyone to walk away happy that I call the "double thank you moment" where both sides say thank you, because both got what they wanted. Studio management doesn't like that, because it whittles down their own cut of the pie, but investors love it, because it not only makes that pie bigger, it makes other, fresher pies.

Hopefully this plan might help someone make a better deal someday.

Hollywood Babble On & On #195: Coming Back Like A Bad Lunch

A tip of my jaunty fez to Nikki Finke for this report about how the movie mogul's association the AMPTP got the National Labour Relations Board to condemn the Writers Guild of America for publishing the names of members that went "fi-core" during the Writer's Strike.

Now for those who need to get their memories refreshed: Fi-Core is short for "financial core" which basically meant that they broke from their union to either keep working, or forge their own agreements with the moguls. The moguls made it easy for writers to go fi-core, and much to the chagrin of the WGA, a group of writers, mostly writer-producers in soap operas, went for it.

Now this is where the WGA made its biggest mistake of the strike.

They published a list of the members who went fi-core as if to shame them, shun them, and cast them into the outer darkness for betraying their comrades in the revolution. I opposed the list from the beginning, seeing it as a both immoral, in a "blacklisting" sense, and a major tactical blunder, and I have been proven right, again. I even proposed an alternative, a form of "truth and reconciliation" meeting to hash out their differences in private, to flush out the bad blood before it taints the union and its work.

Well guess what, it has tainted not only the union, but their work. At the very moment where the WGA is trying to get the AMPTP to live up to the contract they signed, the moguls get them slapped by the NLRB.

This isn't supposed to be war, it's supposed to be business. However, the unwillingness of the studios to reform their dreadful business practises have made this war. The moguls have kept their minds set on one thing, and one thing alone: Victory. Meanwhile the WGA has put ideology, righteousness, and control over victory. The whole fi-core situation was a classic "divide & conquer" move by the studios, and the WGA shouldn't have held it against them, they tried it themselves with their side deals with Lionsgate and United Artists. But the AMPTP just did it better.

The WGA should have known it was coming, and prepared plans and resources to counter it, before it damaged them and their cause. But they didn't, they sat back and hoped that being right would protect them, but being right doesn't put food on the table and pay the mortgage, and then screamed for vengeance against those who went off the reservation to forage for scraps.

I guess the best way to illustrate this situation is to keep with the war analogy. Imagine Army A has a treaty with Army B. Army B violates the treaty, even though it hurst them as well, but believes it will get away with it, because Army A is too busy chasing a handful of deserters into a trap, leaving Army A's territory undefended.

I would like to close with a piece of advice for the WGA: DON'T GIVE YOUR ENEMIES AMMUNITION TO USE AGAINST YOU.

How can they expect anyone in a position of authority to side with them when they gave the AMPTP all they needed to make them look like blacklisting goons, completely distracting everyone from the issue of contract violations. They have only themselves to blame, because they took their eyes of their mission: Victory.