Here's Your Oscar Speech.

In the interest of public service I have decided to help the celebrities up for Oscars by giving them a simple form for them use for their Oscar speeches. Because face it, most winners need it since they seem to be rendered speechless with every award, as if their producers hadn't shamelessly campaigned for them. So here is a nice, concise, ultimate Oscar Acceptance Speech with directions in parentheses.

(Hear name announced)
(Look surprised, try to forget the millions spent by the producers campaigning for this)
(Walk up on stage, don't trip over the seat-filler, try to pretend you're still friends with your co-stars as you go by)
(Get up on stage, exchange air kisses with presenters)
(Take trophy and go to the microphone)

Oh, I don't know what to say. I'd like to thank the Academy.

(don't acknowledge all the terrible things you said about them when you lost the last time)

And my family, agent, kabbalah adviser, Xenu, Phil from the Dry Cleaners, and Che Guevera.

(never acknowledge the people who wrote the script or directed your performance)

We live in uncertain times...

(insert political message of choice, as long as it conforms to Hollywood's permitted political stances, remember, any deviation can cost you work)

Thank you very much!

(leave stage, forcing a smile while you slowly realize that the Oscar will do nothing for your career, except pigeonhole you in maudlin dramas as you desperately try to win another Oscar.)

I hope that helps.