Monday, 30 March 2009

Hollywood Babble On & On #260: How To Speak CEO

A lot of CEO's are in the news, and a lot of the time nobody has a clue what they're talking about. So I've decided to take segments from a recently released memo by Time-Warner CEO Jeff Bewkes, and tell you what he is really trying to say.
"Now we're focused on Time Warner's future as a global leader in media and entertainment that creates, packages and delivers high-quality content worldwide through multiple distribution platforms."
TRANSLATION: Now we're going to buy up some of the smaller companies so we can get even bigger while pray that our Abu Dhabi investment partners don't realize that investing with Hollywood is less safe than investing with Bernie Madoff. Then we're going to make the same old bland crap, and make download versions available with so much DRM on them they will be unplayable on any machine until a twelve year old hacker in Beijing cracks the code.
"We're committed to investing more money than last year in the top-notch content that defines our brands -- while we run our businesses more efficiently than ever,"
TRANSLATION: We're going to spend millions more on special effects and actors who can't deliver at the box office, while we lay off a whole bunch of people we're going to have to replace in a few months.
"I'm confident that our businesses will come out of the current economic crisis stronger and well positioned for success,"
TRANSLATION: My bonus will be secure.

I hope you found this educational.

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