Welcome to the show folks, let's get the ball rolling with...
1. THERE CAN BE ONLY CRAP!
Sharpen your katanas, because the folks at Summit Entertainment have decided that crappy sequels and a Canadian TV series wasn't enough because they're plotting a remake of Highlander.
The original Highlander was the tale of immortals bound to battle and behead each other on the streets of New York until there is only one left to rule the world. I was a teenager when it came out, and found it an eye-popping festival of raging sword-fights, and a screaming soundtrack by Queen. Sure, it had a Frenchman playing a Scotsman, and a Scotsman playing an Egyptian posing as a Spaniard, but since it all came at you in a torrent of action and weirdness, you suspended your disbelief and went for the ride.
The makers followed it up a few years later with Highlander 2, which pretty much took all the mythology of the first movie and tossed it all out to replace it with a bunch of crap about alien rebels.
I don't even know about the third movie, because I don't even want to risk another narrative reaming from that franchise. The TV series, about an immortal cousin, had its moments, but didn't provide the giddy thrill of originality a kid felt the first time they saw the first movie.
Ironically, this company is looking for that thrill, by doing the exact opposite of what made that first film stand out.
2. ARCHIE GOES BIG SCREEN
CAA, the coven behind the rash of toy/board game related movies currently clogging up studio development slates has signed a deal with the makers of Archie Comics for possible big screen adventures.
At least Archie had a semblance of a story behind it, though I'm still holding out hope for Lars Von Trier's adaptation of Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Anyhoo, back to the story. I say, do Archie the movie, but make an R-Rated comedy that makes Superbad look like a Pixar movie. Then it might work.
Archie, Betty, Veronica, threesome.
That's all the log line you need.
3. LENO LOSES LOOKERS
Viewers are leaving Jay Leno's week-nightly chat-fest for new shows, which is sad, but inevitable news. Remember this is NBC we're talking about. There former flagship show Heroes has lost 46% of viewers compared to last season's already shitty opener.
The entire network needs to torn down, and rebuilt from scratch, because right now they couldn't buy a hit with God himself as a guest on Jay's show.
4. CINEMATIC KRYPTONITE
You know how I love to bring up the $65 million pissed away by the producers of Superman Returns before a single frame of film was even shot, well now we have a picture of where some of those millions went...
How many millions were pissed away on this conceptual abortion that makes Nick Cage look like a hippie drag queen encased in plastic?
And the scary part was that Tim Burton and Nick Cage were serious about going through with it. If I was the head of Warner Bros. and you brought that to me, I wouldn't show you the door, because the goddamn window would have been a lot closer.
Damn!
What were they thinking?
Or smoking?
1. THERE CAN BE ONLY CRAP!
Sharpen your katanas, because the folks at Summit Entertainment have decided that crappy sequels and a Canadian TV series wasn't enough because they're plotting a remake of Highlander.
The original Highlander was the tale of immortals bound to battle and behead each other on the streets of New York until there is only one left to rule the world. I was a teenager when it came out, and found it an eye-popping festival of raging sword-fights, and a screaming soundtrack by Queen. Sure, it had a Frenchman playing a Scotsman, and a Scotsman playing an Egyptian posing as a Spaniard, but since it all came at you in a torrent of action and weirdness, you suspended your disbelief and went for the ride.
The makers followed it up a few years later with Highlander 2, which pretty much took all the mythology of the first movie and tossed it all out to replace it with a bunch of crap about alien rebels.
I don't even know about the third movie, because I don't even want to risk another narrative reaming from that franchise. The TV series, about an immortal cousin, had its moments, but didn't provide the giddy thrill of originality a kid felt the first time they saw the first movie.
Ironically, this company is looking for that thrill, by doing the exact opposite of what made that first film stand out.
2. ARCHIE GOES BIG SCREEN
CAA, the coven behind the rash of toy/board game related movies currently clogging up studio development slates has signed a deal with the makers of Archie Comics for possible big screen adventures.
At least Archie had a semblance of a story behind it, though I'm still holding out hope for Lars Von Trier's adaptation of Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Anyhoo, back to the story. I say, do Archie the movie, but make an R-Rated comedy that makes Superbad look like a Pixar movie. Then it might work.
Archie, Betty, Veronica, threesome.
That's all the log line you need.
3. LENO LOSES LOOKERS
Viewers are leaving Jay Leno's week-nightly chat-fest for new shows, which is sad, but inevitable news. Remember this is NBC we're talking about. There former flagship show Heroes has lost 46% of viewers compared to last season's already shitty opener.
The entire network needs to torn down, and rebuilt from scratch, because right now they couldn't buy a hit with God himself as a guest on Jay's show.
4. CINEMATIC KRYPTONITE
You know how I love to bring up the $65 million pissed away by the producers of Superman Returns before a single frame of film was even shot, well now we have a picture of where some of those millions went...
How many millions were pissed away on this conceptual abortion that makes Nick Cage look like a hippie drag queen encased in plastic?And the scary part was that Tim Burton and Nick Cage were serious about going through with it. If I was the head of Warner Bros. and you brought that to me, I wouldn't show you the door, because the goddamn window would have been a lot closer.
Damn!
What were they thinking?
Or smoking?
Archie, Betty, Veronica, threesome.
ReplyDeleteI'll be in my bunk.
If you want to see how much a charlie bravo Superman films are in. Watch Kevin Smith story on his Evening with Kevin Smith DVD. Jon Peters wanted polar bears and a giant spider.
ReplyDeleteI read all about in the book Hollywood VS Superman. Which included some tidbits like Jon Peters wanted to get rid of the suit, replaced with body armour, no flying, give Luthor a gay robot sidekick, and all kinds of crazy shit.
ReplyDeleteWhere can I find this book you speak of? If you think Hollywood is bad, try video games. I think it is a law that all Superman games must suck ass.
ReplyDeleteI found it at Amazon.
ReplyDeleteLet me dig up my copy...
*dig* *dig* *dig*
Oops, correction, it's called "Superman VS Hollywood" by Jake Rossen with a foreword by Mark Millar.
It's a pretty complete history of all Superman related film and TV projects. Including the "all dog" TV pilot that never made it to air.
An all DOG pilot? Must have been a krypto series. This is why BATMAN does not have any pets.
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't Krypto, but people wearing creepy looking dog masks and having names like "Bark Kent."
ReplyDeleteIt was an attempt by the makers of the George Reeves Superman show to use the show's sets for quick money, but thankfully, nothing came of it.
Sounds even worse than I could imagine. I can imagine alot
ReplyDelete