NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR

Hi. I'm Jeff Zucker, CEO of NBC-Universal. I'd mention some NBC shows you might watch, but let's face it, you're not watching any of them.


A man in my position gets asked a lot of questions.

Questions like: "Who are you?" "Why are you in my bushes?" and "What is that smell?"



But the question I get the most is "Why haven't you been fired yet?"


I could say that I still have my job because of my record, but you'd know I'd be kidding you. My constant brain-farts turned what was the #1 television network to #4, and an international laughingstock.


So how did I get my contract renewed by NBC's new owners?


I owe it all to a special friend, a life coach, who the tools to succeed by failing. He's known by many names, but I like to call him Lou. Come on out Lou.

GREETINGS WRETCHED MORTAL SINNERS!

IT IS I, LUCIFER, PRINCE OF DARKNESS, LORD OF THE FLIES, & ARCHDUKE OF DMV SERVICE.

Great to have you here Lou.

I'm just telling the good folks out on the internets that you're my secret weapon against unemployment, and you can be their friend too.

THAT'S RIGHT JEFF! LOOK UPON THIS PUNY CREATURE!

HE HAS NO TALENT OUTSIDE OF BROWN-NOSING, AND BRINGS NOTHING BUT CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION WHEREVER HE GOES.

AND HE GETS PAID LOTS OF MONEY FOR IT! THANKS TO ME!

AND HIS SUCCESS THROUGH FAILURE PROGRAM CAN BE YOUR TOO.

ALL IT WILL COST IS YOUR SOUL!!!!

That's right Lou.

I got rid of mine, it made things like green-lighting The Jay Leno Show, and canceling Life really easy.

WAIT A SECOND. YOU CANCELED LIFE, CO-STARRING THE DELICIOUS SARAH SHAHI?

Yeah.

I had to. It was good show, with an appealing cast, and with proper promotion it could have caught on. Same thing with Southland.

YOU CANCELED SOUTHLAND TOO?

But you can see it on TNT.

AND YOU THINK I CAN AFFORD CABLE IN HELL?

I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL YOU IMPUDENT SCUM!

AND I'M GOING TO KEEP IT A SURPRISE WHICH HOLE I'M GOING TO SUCK IT OUT OF!

This is not going to end well.

If you would like to sell your soul, and succeed through failure, then please draw a pentagram on the floor in your own blood, and perform the dark chants of Aztaroth from page 326 of the Necronomicon, or send a large wad of cash, old bills, non-sequential serial numbers to:

FURIOUS D
1125 Allascam Avenue
Pigsknuckle, Arkansas
90210