Thursday, 7 January 2010

Some Friendly Advice

Welcome to the show folks...

British talent agent and manager Duncan Millership is leaving the once fog bound, but now frost bound British Isles, and is moving to Los Angeles to take up a post with American management firm Management 360.

From one Duncan to another, I'd like to wish him good luck. With the current state of California he's going to need it. Which brings me to a list of handy items that he'll need to survive the inevitable culture shock which will come when he's full immersed in Southern California's "Nescafe Society" (to bastardize Noel Coward.)

Especially for someone from Britain, the nation that gave the world the very definition of the word "pasty." Mere minutes in the searing So-Cal sun can turn an ordinary person into some sort of lobster like creature at least in the complexion department. So a newcomers must stock up on sunscreen, preferably with an SPF rating potent enough to stop Gamma Rays. Because there is less ozone on Mars than above Los Angeles.

If you're going to live in Los Angeles, you're going to have to deal with the people who live in Los Angeles, and a lot of them do not speak the Queen's English. Now trying to talk to the stars is something you have to learn the hard way, but a good bilingual dictionary could help someone communicate with the rest of the city.

It's pretty much standard that any newcomer to So-Cal MUST spend their first year in the city driving around in an overpriced convertible. Then you'll realize that you're losing brain-cells from inhaling everyone else's exhaust, and then get a regular, air tight car. I suggest a jaunty British sportscar to advertise Mr. Millership's UK bona-fides. Though I'm sure he knows that any British car, will need a British mechanic on staff, but I'm sure he can work it out.

In Los Angeles you cannot get milk from the corner store without driving. It's a car-centric city and it's urban planning is a lesson in how to not lay out a city. It's basically a massive dog's breakfast of cities, suburbs, and exurbs. So any new comer will need either a driver with the path-finding skills of a master explorer, or a damn good GPS.

Trust me, after getting that stupid red line for trying to spell "colour" the proper and civilized way, for the 1,000,000 time even though you damn well reset the spelling dictionary, any person will be ready to use the next item on their accursed machines.

When in Rome, do as the Romans, and when in America, you reserve the right to bear arms like all the rest. Sure, a lot of the upscale Angelenos will say they are pro-gun control, but know deep down, they're all packing serious heat. Plus, it proves helpful when navigating Los Angeles' frequent traffic jams.

I hope Mr. Millership finds these suggestions helpful. Do my loyal readers have any more suggestions for a newcomer to Los Angeles?


  1. I pretty much agree with everything you said above but I must disagree with the gun thing.

    Well, I must disagree with the image you used to illustrate the gun thing.

    If you insist on a revolver, nothing wrong with that as they are very reliable and do have their uses, at least give the man one that will do the job.


  2. I deliberately picked an old British revolver because I just can't resist that imperialist retro style.

  3. Is that a Webley in your picture? I have to admit that I'm not as knowledgeable about older handguns. Webley is the only British model that comes to mind and it always makes me think of Colonel Blimp for some reason.

  4. Oh, and I meant to add: If that is a Webley then I take back any bad things I might have said about it. The .455 Webley is a very respectable handgun cartridge.