Welcome to the show folks...
My readers, both of them, have asked me some questions, and since I haven't got much else to do, I'm going to try to answer them.
First up...
In theory.
In theory, communism works.
In reality, it all boils down to William Goldman's old maxim about Hollywood: "Nobody knows nothing."
Nobody knows if a script that reads well will turn into a story that plays well on the screen.
Nobody knows if the director is going to go off his nut during the middle of production and decide to replace the leading lady with a chimpanzee with anger management issues.
Nobody knows if once the film is shot, if the editor and director really know how to assemble all that footage into a coherent and entertaining story.
Any creative endeavor is a crap-shoot, and the odds of making something of quality are against you in a perfect world.
Which brings me to my next point.
We don't live in a perfect world.
The filtration system of agents, producers and executives that are supposed to find the diamonds in the feces are human beings. As human beings they have their own agendas, prejudices, and attitudes. These human failings create a system that can be gamed by those with the know how and connections, and they're exacerbated by these other factors:
ISOLATION: The average Hollywood green-lighter doesn't really know any actual average people. They live in a world where people are either kissing their ass or stabbing their back, and everyone is either in their little world, or they want to be in their little world.
UNCERTAINTY: The life of someone with the power to green light a movie is surprisingly powerless. Their careers, like the screenplay writers they judge, are founded almost entirely on the whims of people they consider idiots. They can get fired at any minute, or worse, pawned off with one of those "producer" deals that don't actually produce anything. That means they cling to whatever they think is safe, which often means decisions based on fads and misguided beliefs that sex sells, and that children will watch any movie, no matter how bad, as long as it has cute animals, slapstick and lame catchphrases.
EGO: People have egos. In Hollywood, they have big egos. These egos can compel people to make dumb decisions, especially if they think a film will either win them awards, or the admiration of their peers and invites to all the best dinner parties. This can lead to some pretentious crap being given the green light.
Next question:
But, I will first bring film production budgets under control with this plan:
1. SIMPLIFY: The studios follow extremely complicated corporate structures that sign even
more convoluted contracts thinking that they're clever. It's not clever, it's just complicated. All things will be simplified so that costs are more related to the actual costs in the marketplace.
2. SALARIES: Pay will become commensurate with money making ability. If you can put real bums in seats, you will earn real money. Fail to earn real money, and you won't get big money. Now if you are a new performer who lands a monster hit, you will be rewarded with a piece of the profits. Even if it's net, because under my rules, there will net. I will also have my geneticists create unicorns.
3. SAVE: Production managers will be given rewards for saving money. Basically 5% of every dollar they save without sacrificing production values. If this means cracking the whip on unprofessional people who waste time and money, then so be it. Whips will be issued by edict of the ruler of the world, me.
4. SHOOT: Those found wasting money on productions with stuff that doesn't contribute to the film, will be shot... out of their jobs, and possibly a window as well.
I hope those answered your questions.
My readers, both of them, have asked me some questions, and since I haven't got much else to do, I'm going to try to answer them.
First up...
Judy asked: Why would anyone green light Furry Vengeance.Also aren't producers supposed to oversee the making of the film and prevent crap from happening and winding up in your local cineplex? Isn't this known as quality control?Ask anyone inside the Hollywood decision making machine, and they'll tell you that everything's all about quality control. Quality control is supposed to be the main reason why it's so hard to get a film made in Hollywood. In theory, there are legions of agents, producers, and executives whose mission in life is to filter out the shit and make sure that you in the audience get the best entertainment that you can get.
In theory.
In theory, communism works.
In reality, it all boils down to William Goldman's old maxim about Hollywood: "Nobody knows nothing."
Nobody knows if a script that reads well will turn into a story that plays well on the screen.
Nobody knows if the director is going to go off his nut during the middle of production and decide to replace the leading lady with a chimpanzee with anger management issues.
Nobody knows if once the film is shot, if the editor and director really know how to assemble all that footage into a coherent and entertaining story.
Any creative endeavor is a crap-shoot, and the odds of making something of quality are against you in a perfect world.
Which brings me to my next point.
We don't live in a perfect world.
The filtration system of agents, producers and executives that are supposed to find the diamonds in the feces are human beings. As human beings they have their own agendas, prejudices, and attitudes. These human failings create a system that can be gamed by those with the know how and connections, and they're exacerbated by these other factors:
ISOLATION: The average Hollywood green-lighter doesn't really know any actual average people. They live in a world where people are either kissing their ass or stabbing their back, and everyone is either in their little world, or they want to be in their little world.
UNCERTAINTY: The life of someone with the power to green light a movie is surprisingly powerless. Their careers, like the screenplay writers they judge, are founded almost entirely on the whims of people they consider idiots. They can get fired at any minute, or worse, pawned off with one of those "producer" deals that don't actually produce anything. That means they cling to whatever they think is safe, which often means decisions based on fads and misguided beliefs that sex sells, and that children will watch any movie, no matter how bad, as long as it has cute animals, slapstick and lame catchphrases.
EGO: People have egos. In Hollywood, they have big egos. These egos can compel people to make dumb decisions, especially if they think a film will either win them awards, or the admiration of their peers and invites to all the best dinner parties. This can lead to some pretentious crap being given the green light.
Next question:
Nate Winchester asked: Anyway, for your next article can you talk about how you would bring down movie budgets should you be in charge of the world?I will not lie and tell you that as ruler of the world, I will be tough but fair. I intend to be tough, and totally unfair, and the lives of all humanity will be under the control of my capricious whims.
But, I will first bring film production budgets under control with this plan:
1. SIMPLIFY: The studios follow extremely complicated corporate structures that sign even
more convoluted contracts thinking that they're clever. It's not clever, it's just complicated. All things will be simplified so that costs are more related to the actual costs in the marketplace.2. SALARIES: Pay will become commensurate with money making ability. If you can put real bums in seats, you will earn real money. Fail to earn real money, and you won't get big money. Now if you are a new performer who lands a monster hit, you will be rewarded with a piece of the profits. Even if it's net, because under my rules, there will net. I will also have my geneticists create unicorns.
3. SAVE: Production managers will be given rewards for saving money. Basically 5% of every dollar they save without sacrificing production values. If this means cracking the whip on unprofessional people who waste time and money, then so be it. Whips will be issued by edict of the ruler of the world, me.
4. SHOOT: Those found wasting money on productions with stuff that doesn't contribute to the film, will be shot... out of their jobs, and possibly a window as well.
I hope those answered your questions.
Nobody knows if the director is going to go off his nut during the middle of production and decide to replace the leading lady with a chimpanzee with anger management issues.
ReplyDeleteHow would you tell the difference? (especially if they shaved the chimp)
*rimshot*
I will not lie and tell you that as ruler of the world, I will be tough but fair. I intend to be tough, and totally unfair, and the lives of all humanity will be under the control of my capricious whims.
Like you say, can't do any worse. Hell you've got my vote.
2. SALARIES: Pay will become commensurate with money making ability. If you can put real bums in seats, you will earn real money. Fail to earn real money, and you won't get big money. Now if you are a new performer who lands a monster hit, you will be rewarded with a piece of the profits. Even if it's net, because under my rules, there will net. I will also have my geneticists create unicorns.
Part of me thinks up front salaries should be jettisoned all together and actors paid only with what the movie earned. (yeah, there's probably more to it than that but it's a start)
4. SHOOT: Those found wasting money on productions with stuff that doesn't contribute to the film, will be shot... out of their jobs, and possibly a window as well.
Might I suggest a 3 strikes rule?
1st time: shot out of a cannon
2nd time: shot out of a cannon from the roof of a tall building
3rd time: shot by the cannon
Yes Furious D you answered my questions regarding the green lighting of dubious projects. A project like the musical Nine ,based on Fellini's 81/2,which wound up being a major misfire.Wasn't that meant to be Oscar bait? Aha that was the reason to green light it...because it was Oscarish? Those who approve material like that definitely need to get out more.They are really out of touch with the civilian ticket buyers. Sometimes the entire movie business looks and feels as if it has split, a true bifurcation of the movie business. On one side are the so-called popcorn movies aimed at the kids,teens and twenty somethings .Then there are the indies, which can be most unsatisfying and those deadly BDD'S,the bleak dud dramas made for the Oscars.My my how the movies have changed.
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