Welcome to the show folks...
The Wrap recently got their hands on a memo, purportedly about Paramount Pictures upcoming movie slate. Well, since it's seems to be a slow news day for me, I thought I'd indulge my inner internet wanker, and pass harsh and unfair judgments on films that haven't even been made yet.
TRIPLE FRONTIER- Directed by Kathryn Bigelow, (wins awards, doesn't sell well), starring Will Smith (sells tickets) Javier Bardem (unknown quantity) Christian Bale (sales can be iffy), and Sean Penn (powerful enough box office poison to drop a T-Rex.)
YOUNG ADULT- Diablo Cody figured out that she needs Jason Reitman, or she's going to have another Jennifer's Body on her hands.
DUNDERHEADS- A heist movie starring kids. Nuff said.
HANSEL & GRETEL- If this film was with Warner Bros. it would have been made by Tim Burton, star Johnny Depp as Hansel, Helena Bonham Carter as Gretel, Helen Mirren as the Witch, and make a billion dollars. At Paramount, who knows?
WILL- Won't.
MY MOTHER'S CURSE- Why do I fear that the curse will be felt by the crew during the making of the film.
WORLD WAR Z- Brains.... need brains.... need brains....
GI JOE 2- GI No.
THE ASSOCIATE- Shia LaBouef as a lawyer. Is he defending the little heisters from Dunderheads.
THE DICTATOR- Sascha Baron-Cohen being obnoxious? It worked so well with Bruno.
TWILIGHT ZONES- David Chase of The Sopranos is making this one. The twist at the end of each story is that everyone has onion rings, then everything stops dead.
MI3- Is this supposed to be the next Mission Impossible, which is the 4th, or is it something else entirely?
STAR TREK 2- Probably make a shit-load of money.
JACK RYAN- A killer concept, if this was still the 1980s.
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES- Ditto.
HASBRO FACTORY- It's a 90 minute long commercial, and like with regular commercials, folks are going to see what else is on.
ZOOLANDER 2- Finally something to play after each of Zoolander's six weekly airings on TBS.
7 MINUTES IN HEAVEN- 90+ minutes in hell.
LUNA- Already dead in the water.
WHAT MEN WANT- I can answer that question: NOT THIS MOVIE.
AU REVOIR CRAZY EUROPEAN CHICK- I can imagine the pitch session for this movie: "It's like Killers meets Knight & Day, but different, this time the chick's the assassin, like Salt." What could go wrong?
BAYWATCH- Run into the ocean in slow motion, and keep running until the water comes up over your head. Then keep running.
I WANT TO _____ YOU SISTER- Nothing like a title that can get someone beaten up at the box office.
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?- What's plaintively wailed by the movie goer who got smacked down by the ticket taker after telling him that he wanted to ______ his sister.
NEVADA SMITH- Mandatory remake time.
DADDY'S HOME- And the audience is going to stay home with him.
MAX STEEL- Minimum box office.
UNTITLED AFRICAN SAFARI- I'm wrong, we're not back in the 1980s, we've gone back to the 1930s.
LICENSE TO STEAL- What wasting $125 million on this flick really is.
EXISTENCE 2.0- The title's going to have audiences renting David Cronenberg's Existenz thinking this is the sequel. Good for Cronenberg, bad for Paramount.
WHEN CORRUPTION WAS KING- And it isn't now?
KID TABLE- The concept sounds just as rickety as my family's old 'kid table' and no doubt it will be folded up and forgotten even sooner.
The Wrap recently got their hands on a memo, purportedly about Paramount Pictures upcoming movie slate. Well, since it's seems to be a slow news day for me, I thought I'd indulge my inner internet wanker, and pass harsh and unfair judgments on films that haven't even been made yet.
TRIPLE FRONTIER- Directed by Kathryn Bigelow, (wins awards, doesn't sell well), starring Will Smith (sells tickets) Javier Bardem (unknown quantity) Christian Bale (sales can be iffy), and Sean Penn (powerful enough box office poison to drop a T-Rex.)
YOUNG ADULT- Diablo Cody figured out that she needs Jason Reitman, or she's going to have another Jennifer's Body on her hands.
DUNDERHEADS- A heist movie starring kids. Nuff said.
HANSEL & GRETEL- If this film was with Warner Bros. it would have been made by Tim Burton, star Johnny Depp as Hansel, Helena Bonham Carter as Gretel, Helen Mirren as the Witch, and make a billion dollars. At Paramount, who knows?
WILL- Won't.
MY MOTHER'S CURSE- Why do I fear that the curse will be felt by the crew during the making of the film.
WORLD WAR Z- Brains.... need brains.... need brains....
GI JOE 2- GI No.
THE ASSOCIATE- Shia LaBouef as a lawyer. Is he defending the little heisters from Dunderheads.
THE DICTATOR- Sascha Baron-Cohen being obnoxious? It worked so well with Bruno.
TWILIGHT ZONES- David Chase of The Sopranos is making this one. The twist at the end of each story is that everyone has onion rings, then everything stops dead.
MI3- Is this supposed to be the next Mission Impossible, which is the 4th, or is it something else entirely?
STAR TREK 2- Probably make a shit-load of money.
JACK RYAN- A killer concept, if this was still the 1980s.
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES- Ditto.
HASBRO FACTORY- It's a 90 minute long commercial, and like with regular commercials, folks are going to see what else is on.
ZOOLANDER 2- Finally something to play after each of Zoolander's six weekly airings on TBS.
7 MINUTES IN HEAVEN- 90+ minutes in hell.
LUNA- Already dead in the water.
WHAT MEN WANT- I can answer that question: NOT THIS MOVIE.
AU REVOIR CRAZY EUROPEAN CHICK- I can imagine the pitch session for this movie: "It's like Killers meets Knight & Day, but different, this time the chick's the assassin, like Salt." What could go wrong?
BAYWATCH- Run into the ocean in slow motion, and keep running until the water comes up over your head. Then keep running.
I WANT TO _____ YOU SISTER- Nothing like a title that can get someone beaten up at the box office.
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?- What's plaintively wailed by the movie goer who got smacked down by the ticket taker after telling him that he wanted to ______ his sister.
NEVADA SMITH- Mandatory remake time.
DADDY'S HOME- And the audience is going to stay home with him.
MAX STEEL- Minimum box office.
UNTITLED AFRICAN SAFARI- I'm wrong, we're not back in the 1980s, we've gone back to the 1930s.
LICENSE TO STEAL- What wasting $125 million on this flick really is.
EXISTENCE 2.0- The title's going to have audiences renting David Cronenberg's Existenz thinking this is the sequel. Good for Cronenberg, bad for Paramount.
WHEN CORRUPTION WAS KING- And it isn't now?
KID TABLE- The concept sounds just as rickety as my family's old 'kid table' and no doubt it will be folded up and forgotten even sooner.
Dirty Dingus Sezs:
ReplyDelete'Jack Ryan' has potential in my mind if its about how he became President! Nothing better than having some dedicated extremust willing to sacrifice his life for his own cause!!...
Screaming BANZAI!!!!! As he slams his Japanese double decker -fully fueled- airplane into the ENTIRE government (except one)and thereby solving 99.9999999999% of Americans woes in micro-seconds~
Max Steel - Starring Taylor Lauter, Now being from MI like me I want to support him. But he is not a action star.
ReplyDeleteBaywatch - There will be enough T&A for this film to make some money. Let's hope they do not decide to do Baywatch NIGHTS as a sequel. Never did I see a bad spinoff actually manage to become WORSE. Lets make take your lame BW themed mystery-crime show into a lame X-Files ripoff. It went over just as well as you think turning a lame Baywatch spin off into a X-Files ripoff would go.
GI JOE 2 - Since the first film was so fraked up and did not even do the comic and cartoon justice. I want to give them a 2nd chance, but they will probably frak it up more. Since the 1st was the result of the Producers "GO OBAMA" high, now Barry's luster has turned into manure this film might be different as his ass will well be on the way out.
TMNT would be great if they went to the original comic, which was HARDCORE VIOLENT. Then again all the soccercows would flip because they cannot take their screaming crotchspawn. They were having a it over watchmen because all superhero films should be for kids because "I'm a mother and the world revolves around me!!!!"
Jack Ryan - I want to know where is the Rainbow Six film?
Star Trek 2 - Since the new JJ Abrams alternate universe film was not that bad, this will probably come with a alternate curse where all even films will SUCK.