Monday, 14 February 2011

Hollywood Babble On & On #677: Belieb It Or Not

Welcome to the show folks...

Since I'm going to be discussing pop star Justin Bieber I will probably get a bunch of angry comments from freaked out tweens for daring to discuss their latest deity in less than adoring terms, but here goes anyway.

Right now the little bugger with the bowl-cut is everywhere. His songs are all over the radio and the few remaining channels that still show music videos, his public appearances generate hysteria, his mug is everywhere, even on venerable crime drama
CSI. People are talking about him becoming a movie star and when he lost out at the Best New Artist Grammy to jazz chanteuse / bassist / bulk shampoo consumer Esperanza Spalding, someone vandalized her Wikipedia page.

Personally, she has my vote, but that's another story.

Now I'm not going to knock his music as repetitive and grating, or his image as being as organic as polystyrene, or his fans as prepubescent neurotic harpies, but I'm not going to do that.

I'm going to be nice.

I'm going to offer him some sage advice that he better take to heart.

That advice is: SAVE YOUR MONEY.

You see, the rules of the game of fame have changed over the past 20 years. Constant media coverage can make someone a huge phenomenon, however being a huge phenomenon is one of the worst things to be when you're in show-biz.

The sort of screaming raging hysteria that Bieber is getting used to ensure someone a spot in music history. Nowadays it means that you will be lucky if you can get a guest spot on a trashy reality show when you're forty, broke and unemployed.

There's a line in an old song that says that things are burning too hot not to cool down.

That goes double when it comes to the fame game. The greater the intensity of hysteria at the beginning of your career, the shorter said career will be, and the greater the revulsion felt by former fans.

One minute they're screaming for more, the next minute they're screaming for you to get off the stage.

As for him becoming a movie star, that's highly unlikely. His entire career is too wrapped up in a single unchangeable image, that's not good for an actor. Sure a lot of stars have an image they follow pretty closely, but their careers won't end because of a change of haircut. Can anyone picture him in a heroic role, in a period piece, or any other sort of leading man project without looking ridiculous or dated within weeks of release?

I figure the best they can do for him as an actor is for his owners at Paramount to quickly plop out a high-school romantic melodrama that mostly consists of him and a starlet exchanging sappy puppy-dog glances while their respective parents disapprove for some painfully contrived reason. Wrap it up with an equally contrived happy ending, and rake in the opening weekend cash. Of course if they don't do it right away, and I mean quickly because the clock is ticking, they'll be just wasting their money.

Which is why I'm advising young Master Bieber to save every penny he gets his hands on. It's not going to last, and it's much better to retire with dignity (and cash) than to end up the pathetic answer to a trivia question no one will admit to knowing.


  1. And unlike the Disney wholesome tween starlets, he's not going to generate a lot of buzz by going porno and degenerate. Degenerate males just drop out of sight, the female hang around for the prudes to cluck over.

  2. Dirty McDingus quizzes:
    You mean that this whelp will be the '90s Culkin out of Home Alone to burn out just as quickly?!...
    A dime a dozen eh?

  3. beiber's career will pretty much end when his testicles drop. Hopefully his crazy stage mom is not blowing his cash on crack binges and saving that money so he can get a college education and have a career in something when all this cools down.

    His current GF Selena Gomez, I think has potential to become a Hollywood screen icon. Unlike some of these teen stars she actually behaves with some dignity and class.