Hollywood Babble On & On #284: NBC- NAME BRAND CRAP

The flailing and failing NBC-Universal empire is marking the fifth anniversary of their aberrant union by starting a new ad-campaign to promote awareness of the NBC "brand," and paving the way for people like Nikki Finke and myself to mock them.

And mock them we shall.

Looking at the condition of NBC's current schedule, and it's upcoming fall boondoggles, I have to ask: What value does brand awareness have, when your brand is known for crap?*

In movies and television content is king. Right now CBS has half the shows in the Top 20, and the reason for that is because each show is all about delivering what the audience wants. I don't watch shows simply because they're on CBS, I watch individual shows for individual reasons.

Right now, NBC doesn't give me individual reasons to watch many of their shows, and trying to sell all of them as an "NBC Brand" is like rearranging deck-chairs on the Titanic.

The only way a network or a studio can establish themselves as a "brand" is to have a consistent level of quality that might, just might, entice viewers to give a show a chance.

I'd rant more, but I'm still not 100% recovered from my cold, and need a bit more recuperation before I can return to my usual level of vitriol.

*(Yes, I still haven't forgiven them for canceling Life, the bastards.)

Hollywood Babble On & On #283: Beam Up The Money Scotty

Phew, I have a wicked head-cold that keeps me from getting any serious work done, but I think I can squeeze out a short post....

Star Trek has phaser set on "cash" because the alternate-time-line reboot is bringing it in with a shovel. I have no doubt that Paramount is going to declare itself saved by the success of this flick. Well, I think it's a little too early to hit the warp drive, because while the success of the film is a nice beginning, it is just a beginning.

The film may very well have legs and make a mint and a half, before it's theatrical run is over, but there are still a myriad of ways that Paramount can still screw this up. Remember this is Hollywood. The first way is for the studio to take all the credit for the film's success, completely forgetting the filmmakers, and the cast who actually made the movie, and screw them out of any promised profit share. This would build resentment, and in Hollywood resentment costs money, lots of money.

Of course Paramount would then try to play divide and conquer, showering love on the two top leads, Pine and Quinto, while trying to squeeze the other cast-members either into obedience, or out on their ear. Or try to play the whole cast against J.J. Abrams, whom they are probably already scheming to replace with the always pliable Brett Ratner.

And I'm not even including the Paramount shareholders and financial investors who actually paid for the movie to get made. Because when it comes to pleasing shareholders and investors, or buying their CEO a new mansion, the CEO always wins.

So when the Paramount bigwigs start tooting their own horns and declaring a new golden age, don't believe the hype, because they can still blow it big time.

I gotta go clear my head.

The Often Delayed & Obviously Misnamed Friday Fiction Feature

Hello. I got the fifth installment of Tooth and Claw up at my writing blog. So feel free to check it out. If you want to catch up, or remember what I've been up to, please check out the other installments of my little literary improv experiment. And be gentle with your criticisms. I've been really busy with family business, and I have a wicked head cold, so be warned, you may end up reading some bizarre fever dream from the snake pit of my mind. ;)

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Saturday Silliness Cinema: More Smith & Jones

Here are a couple more bits from Smith & Jones. I will probably have my often delayed Friday Fiction Feature up sometime later today, or tomorrow, and I'll probably be back to griping about the business of showbiz on Monday.

Language warning (NSFW)

The Fabulous Furious D Fall TV Freakout!!!

Tis the season for for the networks to announce what coming down the pipeline to go on the boob tube this fall. The always indefatigable Nikki Finke has the rundown, and since I've already done NBC's line-up hopefuls, I might as well do the others.

CBS
DRAMAS

UNTITLED NCIS SPIN-OFF (CBS-Paramount) This is considered a shoo in. Since I caught the "phantom pilot" running during NCIS and know that it's about an elite undercover unit, I think they should avoid giving it a title of its own. In fact, they should just give it a different name each week. Sort of like the show about undercover agents, going undercover. What do you think? Still a better idea than Cop Rock.

THE GOOD WIFE (CBS-Paramount/Scott Free) a female driven legal drama starring Juliana Margulies to replace the last female driven legal drama starring Juliana Margulies that failed on Fox last year. The lesson, never give up.

U.S. ATTORNEY (CBS-Paramount) I'm gonna venture a guess that the pilot episode will feature two hot-looking young lawyers getting into each others legal briefs in the courthouse closet.

MIAMI TRAUMA (Warner Bros/CBS-Paramount) This is Jerry Bruckheimer doing a Miami based medical drama. Which will raise the question: "How many accidents can occur involving women in bikinis.

THREE RIVERS (CBS-Paramount/Deuce Three) Sadly the three Rivers of the title are going to be Joan Rivers, Rivers Cuomo of Weezer, and the ghost of River Phoenix as a trio of vaudevillians in the turn of the century.

THE EASTMANS (Warner Bros) the buzz says that it's about a family of doctors, but without the procedural stuff that people actually watch. Probably would have been better if they made it about the Kodak people.

HOUSE RULES (ABC TV Studio/Mark Gordon Co) A political drama about congress. Probably last as long as those supreme court shows did a few years ago.

WASHINGTON FIELD (CBS-Paramount) comes from the executive producer of Criminal Minds, but I can't tell from the title weather it's about politics, crime, or football.

BACK (CBS-Paramount/Storyline) will be what people will be saying about the time they wasted watching this.

A MARRIAGE (Bedford Falls) will be divorced from viewers.

COMEDIES

ACCIDENTALLY ON PURPOSE (CBS-Paramount/BermanBraun) is the big Jenna Elfman comeback vehicle.

HAPPINESS ISN'T EVERYTHING (Sony TV/Paramount/Tantamount) and neither are viewers apparently.

WAITING TO DIE (Sony TV/Tantamount) this won't have long to wait.

FOX

SONS OF TUCSON (Twentieth TV/J2 Pictures) will soon be disowned by Tuscon.

GLEE (Twentieth TV) not even Disney has attempted to make High School Musical a weekly series, and there's a reason for that. It's because a weekly musical series set in the whiny angst filled world of high school will fail.

HUMAN TARGET (Warner Bros/DC Comics/Wonderland) a remake of a failed show that starred Rick Springfield. Every old is new again, as well as everything failed.

MAGGIE HILL (Twentieth TV/Imagine) saggy swill.

MASTERWORK (Twentieth TV) Da Vinci Code meets National Treasure meets bitter failure.

BROTHERS (Sony TV/Tantamount) a football comedy. Which means that each episode will run over three hours, have fifteen minutes of actual jokes, and the rest will be colour commentary as the cast mill about the stage wondering what to do next.

COP HOUSE (Twentieth Century Fox TV/Adelstein) foreclosed.

ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS (BBC Worldwide/Sony TV/Tantamount) absolutely crapulous.

EVA ADAMS (Sony TV/Fanfare) don't know what it's about, and don't care, neither does the network according to Nikki Finke.

ABC

MODERN FAMILY (previously My American Family) (Twentieth Century Fox TV) officially picked by the network, but probably not by viewers.

FLASH FORWARD (ABC-TV Studio/Created By) based on a Canadian sci-fi novel, (I use the word sci-fi to annoy the "purists") and it'll probably turn into Lost redux when they use all the novel's ideas in the first half of season one.

COUGAR TOWN (ABC TV StudioDoozer/Coquette) Courtney Cox playing the titular cougar. It's gonna need a lot of friends.

THE BRIDGET SHOW (Sony TV/Tantamount/Hagada Hey) lemme guess, a show about a perky talkative gal on the go.

ROMANTICALLY CHALLENGED (formerly the untitled Ricky Blitt Project) (Warner Bros) and probably creatively challenged too.

THE LAW (ABC TV Studio/DreamWorks) is an ass.

CANNED (ABC TV Studio/BGTV) deserves to be.

UNTITLED DAVE HEMINGSON LEGAL SHOW (Twentieth Century Fox TV) it's hot, it has no title, and it's another show about a lawyer. Adjourned.

HAPPY TOWN (ABC TV Studio) is described as being like Twin Peaks, but most likely lacking the entertainment value.

EASTWICK (Warner Bros) from the movie based on the book about magical women. BURN IT! BURN IT!

V (Warner Bros) a remake of a successful mini-series turned failed weekly series. Hollywood has never met a mistake it wasn't willing to repeat.

THE FORGOTTEN (Warner Bros/Bruckheimer) probably better left forgotten.

INSIDE THE BOX (ABC TV Studio) a show about Washington journalists from the folks who brought you Grey's Anatomy, because we all know how the average American respects and loves Washington journalists. That's why newspapers are selling better than ever.

SOLVING CHARLIE (ABC TV Studio/Francie Calfo Prods) I have the solution to Charlie, stop wasting people's time.

EMPIRE STATE (ABC TV Studio/Mark Gordon Co) unless it involves King Kong and some climbing, I won't get excited about it.

LIMELIGHT (Warner Bros/Wonderland) dim light.

SEE CATE RUN (ABC TV Studio/Gross Entertainment) see Cate flop.

CW

MELROSE PLACE (CBS-Paramount) everything old is new again, oh well, the ghost of Aaron Spelling needs the work.

THE BEAUTIFUL LIFE (CBS-Paramount/Katalyst Films) Ashton Kutcher producing a show about models starring Mischa Barton. Oh yeah, it's a lock for classic status.

VAMPIRE DIARIES (Warner Bros/Alloy Entertainment) will definitely suck in more ways than one.

GOSSIP GIRL SPINOFF (Warner Bros/CBS-Paramount/Alloy Entertainment): for some reason the network chose to not spin-off a show whose ratings performance doesn't get anywhere near the hype it recieves.

Hollywood Babble On & On #282: The Law of Relativity Goes Rogue

Come gather round children and I'll tell you a little story about keeping your eye on the ball.

A while ago Universal Pictures started Rogue Pictures to make low budget horror and action flicks, with decidedly mixed results.

Then along came Relativity, a film investment company that already had a relationship with Universal financing many of their productions. For some reason the folks who run Relativity decided that a film company with a lackluster box-office record, a mediocre, at best, library, and no independent distribution capability would make a wonderful purchase.

Now Relativity has started a whole new campaign in partnership with the Hard Rock Casino in Las Vegas to re-create the Rogue brand as a "film and lifestyle property."

I'm not sure how low-budget horror movie remakes are exactly a "lifestyle" and I'm definitely not sure how this deal is going to help either company. You see Rogue Pictures is going to slap their name on a theater, a few slot machines, and I believe a some bar-stools to do some grandstanding to boost the company's "brand" standing.

Which brings me to the point of this little fable, which is: This is not going to work.

Why won't it work?

When was the last time you paid money to see a movie because you liked a studio's logo?

Please, take a moment to think about it, I can wait.

Still can't come up with an answer?

Well I'll bet dinars to donuts that none of you have ever gone to a movie out of some sense of "brand loyalty" to the studio. People go to movies because they want to see that specific film, not because it was made by Warner Bros., Fox, or even Rogue. Movies are not chewing gum, and despite the factory like approach most studios would like to take in making them, each film is an individual project, designed for a specific facet of the audience.

Disney can do it to a limited extent, because they dominate the kids market. They know it, and they sell to it, and only it, but even that has its drawbacks, just look at their latest profit-report.

Rogue makes the sort of movies that teenagers and adults view as campy schlocky guilty pleasures at best, and unwatchable tedious dreck at worst. Folks are not going to decide to base their "lifestyle" on The Hitcher remake, or American Pie Presents: Beta House.

The only way a movie company can create a "brand" for itself is through its movies. They have to make movies that people will pay money to see, hopefully several times over. Then and only then can a company really claim that your company has a "brand" and even then you can only be know for doing the best you can do.

Hollywood Babble On & On #281: Sony Ponies Up

According to the usually indefatigable Nikki Finke, Sony Pictures has hired a major PR firm to promote the films put out by their faux indie division Sony Pictures Classics. The company's been outperformed by Fox Searchlight, and many figure that they're sick and tired of it all, and want to make a name for themselves.

Plus, I think it marks a change in the way these faux-indies are run.

Since the collapse of the indie-film boom of the 1990s, and the assimilation of the independent distributors by the major studios, independent films were not run as a business, or as an art.

They were treated as a ego-playground.

You see these companies were not run for profit, or to expose people to the wonders of independent film-making, they were run to win awards, woo critics, and get the people who run the parent companies proverbial pats on the back at the better dinner parties for how "courageous," "daring," and "artistic," they are while they pick up young starlets at a Sundance Festival mixer.

The films they buy would then get half-hearted releases, and marketing that's tepid at best, and non-existent at worst. (At the extreme end was the Weinstein Plan, which involved buying films and then never releasing them.)

However the economy really isn't in the shape to support that sort of thing anymore, so now they have to get out there and pound the pavement to get the films they buy at Sundance making money. I'm sure that the main reason Fox-Searchlight has outperformed SPC is that Rupert Murdoch looked at the books and said: "Bloody 'ell, you can't just buy films and let them gather dust! That costs me money!! Get off yer arse and get people buying tickets for these films before I break me boot off in it!! Someone get me my diggeridoo and a boomerang, that dingo's got me baby!!"

That's how I imagine Rupert Murdoch talks.

Anyhoo...

I think it's a good thing that Sony is going to try to sell their films, and that it becomes a model for all the other faux indies. Yes, indie films are a tough sell, but it's not a good reason to not sell them at all.

So here are three suggestions for Sony and how to handle this new era...

1. Dump "Classics." Rebrand the company, because calling it Sony Pictures Classics gives the impression that you're selling foreign films as a corporate afterthought. Create a new brand, with a new identity that says: "I have intelligent and daring movies that you want to see." And the words: Classics, Independent, Art-House, etc... are verboten for this new company name.

2. Fill A Niche. Face it, indie films are supposed to give the audiences what the big studios are not giving them, not just act as Oscar bait. Look for what's not being done, and what films do that.

3. Sell, Sell, Sell. By hiring the PR people shows that you might be serious about selling these films, and I hope you are. Because indie films need to be sold, and sold well.

On a personal note: Family business may make my posting a tad erratic for the next week or so. Please be patient, I'll try to be back at griping at and about Hollywood as soon as possible.

The Boob Tube: NBC's Fall Schedule

The flailing, failing NBC network just announced their Fall TV schedule. They canceled Life, and renewed Medium (at a reduced episode count because you needed to be psychic to know it was back on), Law & Order, and Law & Order: SVU (because Dick Wolf scares them) and a handful of other shows.

But I'm going to take a look at some of their new shows and offer you, my loyal reader, the opinion of a smug know-it-all about them.

PARENTHOOD- Basically it's a copy of ABC's Brothers & Sisters, but with fewer viewers.

UPDATE: I just saw a report that says that it's a TV series version of the 1989 Steve Martin/Ron Howard film of the same name. Which bring to mind the popular internet saying WTF?

That was already done as a series in 1990, and it failed. I know they're scared of ideas, but what the hell?

TRAUMA- The boost in the ratings for the ER finale appears to have made NBC forgive it for being a dead weight on their schedule for the past 8+ years, because they're going to do it all over again, but this time it'll have more outdoor scenes. At least, they will have more outdoor scenes until the budget get slashed by the network about three episodes before cancellation.

MERCY- Grey's Anatomy with overworked, underpaid nurses instead of oversexed, under-brained doctors. Been there, done that.

DAY ONE- CBS's Jericho meets ABC's Lost which means lots of struggling for survival, with the writers pulling clues for the show's central mystery (why civilization collapsed) out of their ass, because they probably don't know the answer themselves.

100 QUESTIONS- 100 questions-12 episodes max. The premise of the show is a plucky single gal (is there any other kind) looking for love by answering a 100 question form on a dating site, causing flashbacks to past relationships, and wackiness ensues. These sorts of 100 problems/100 episodes kind of premises always seem cursed from the get-go, especially when it's a romantic comedy. Plus, even if it does succeed, to the viewers it's going to look like it's taking this poor woman at least four years to fill out a form.

COMMUNITY- Folks say the pilot, about a lawyer trying to repair a revoked degree by taking classes at a community college has a lot of promise. Hopefully, they didn't blow their load in the pilot, and have enough stories, ideas, and characters to keep the show going. Though the presence of Chevy Chase in a supporting role does weigh heavily upon it.

I'm not holding out much hope for NBC. Especially since cancelling Life has not endeared them to me.
(bastards)

Hollywood Babble On & On #280: The Wisdom of Comedians & Kenny Rogers

You gotta know when to hold them
Know when to fold them
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

There's a certain amount of wisdom in those simple homespun country lyrics that can help someone not only in gambling in the old west, but in modern show business as well.

As I've said before, one of the main reasons top executives and CEO get bladed and brought down is that many of them only know how to hold them, not when to fold, they definitely don't know when to walk away, and the certainly never know when to run. It's like that scene in American Gangster where the Asian drug lord informs Harlem gang-lord Frank Lucas that "it's not really quitting when you quit when you're ahead."

Of course Lucas goes in for one last score, leading to his capture by Russell Crowe, and the downfall of his empire. In the movies Louis B. Mayer tried hang onto power and still run MGM the way it had been run in the 1930s, the problem was that it was the 1950s, and his attempt to please his ego, ruined his relationship with his shareholders, and ultimately his ouster from the company that bore his name.

It's also like a comedian, when they're doing stand-up they know that the key is to end on a high note. Also know when you've reached the end of your time, hit him with a real knockout punchline, say "goodnight everybody," and walk off the stage, leaving them hankering for more.

However, unlike comedy, this is not a search for subtle cues among an audience in a dark nightclub. The signs that it is time to walk away (or run) are pretty obvious, you just have to have the eyes to see them. Now I've mentioned some of these things before, but like any good lesson, they bear repeating.

SIGNS THAT IT IS TIME TO GO:

1. When you are no longer thinking about it as a business, but as an extension of yourself.

When you run a studio, especially a major founded in the 1910s, you are not the company, but merely a steward. Your mission is to create profits for your shareholders, and when you do go, which is inevitable, to leave the company in better shape than when you found it. Sadly, too many CEOs start to think that the company lives and dies around them. It's like a French monarch declaring that "apres mois les deluge," which fundamentally means "without me, there is nothing."

That's a delusion. Without you, the company will go on, with someone else at the helm. The best you can hope for is that when you do leave, people will look back at your time as a golden age, when the company was run well and everyone did good work that made money.

When you can't imagine yourself without the company, or the company without you, your mindset shifts from doing your job well, to just holding onto power. And that really hurts your company, and your own reputation and career.

2. When you start letting your ego make decisions.

The first obvious sign of this is the moment you first yell to some valet parker / waiter / prostitute / police officer- "Don't you know who I am? I'm (Insert First Name) Fucking (Insert Last Name)!"

That means that you have let your hunger for status and power override your common sense, and good manners. It is at this stage that you no longer make business decisions for business reasons, but by how many folks will kiss your ass at swanky parties. That is not good, because the only opinion you should care about, are the opinions of the audience, and your shareholders. Because when you make the audience happy, your shareholders should get happy very soon after, and while they may not feed your ego, they will feed your bank account, and that's what matters.

3. You don't know how to respond to criticism.

This is when Sign 1 and Sign 2 join together and separate you from reality. CEOs that let their ego run the company, attract criticism like a dead goat attracts flies. When the only response they have to this criticism of their management is to declare that they will somehow achieve immortality to keep running the company, and keep everything exactly how it is. They can't see that they are the problem.

So how does one avoid this problem of, well, becoming a problem?

The answer is a simple 3 point strategy...

1. Have someone who isn't afraid to tell you that you are full of shit. This is important to keep you grounded in the real world, because there's nothing worse than a room full of yes men.

2. Have goals. Plan ahead, say I intend to make this company do this and that, and then once I have these goals met, I will retire by a certain age.

3. Have an exit strategy. The beauty of being a mogul who retires on good terms is that you pick your successors, and you can use that good relationship with your successor to have a post-CEO career as a producer, financier, beach bum, or any other position you might find fun and challenging.

Saturday Silliness Cinema: WOLVERINE!!!

Sorry for the light (nonexistent) posting yesterday. Things popped up and I got really busy. Anyhoo, let's take a little break from my usual rantings about business for a larf.

With Wolverine slicing up the box office like a villain's minion I've stumbled onto this outtake from the movie. Enjoy.