Hollywood Babble On & On #410: A Dog Day Kind of Posting

Welcome to the show folks...

1. THE WOLFMAN GETS AN R.... BUT...

...is it really necessary to make a good horror movie?

The Horror-Squad seems relieved that Universal's long delayed remake of 1941's The Wolfman is getting an "R" rating. In fact, they say that many fans would consider it "neutered" if it got an PG13 rating.

Now that strikes me as peculiar.

When I was a kid some of the things that scared the living piss out of me weren't really gushing with blood and gore, and a lot of the films that were rated "R" when I was a kid are now broadcast, with blood and violence uncut, on weekend afternoons.

And then there's CSI. I mean people are getting massive doses of gizzards, innards, and grue on a thrice daily basis thanks to the CSI franchises and their ever present reruns. Which leads us to a paradox.

Horror fans consider anything less than an "R" rating an insult, but with audiences so inoculated to gore and violence horror filmmakers have to crank up the blood, guts, and sadism to get that "R" but often at the expense of what gives the horror genre its real strength, which is suspense. People lose the fear they feel over the fates of the characters, and simply wait for the next gore-spouting money shot.

Or maybe it's just me.

Be sure to let me know what you think in the comments.

1b. WHAT'S UP WITH THE WOLFMAN?

Is that production cursed? It was originally marked to be released in November 2008, then February 2009, then April 2009, then November 2009, and now February 2010.

Come on, it's a werewolf movie, it's not supposed to be Ben-Hur, what the hell's going on with that production. It's been bumped back so many times I'm starting to think it was a Weinstein production.

Sheesh.

2. REALITY TV HITS BOTTOM/STARTS DIGGING

ABC is starting a new show called Conveyor Belt of Syphilis Love, and the premise is simple. Men go by on a conveyor belt and try to convince women to pick them for a one night stand and if they're lucky, a cover story on a tabloid over their "unauthorized" sex tape. It's an idea so morally and creatively bankrupt, I thought it was NBC show.

Why do the networks keep doing these increasingly sleazy pseudo dating shows?

1. They're cheap.

2. They don't need big ratings to make money.

3. There will always be an audience willing to watch people debase themselves on television and dreaming that someday it could be them on that conveyor.

Hollywood Babble On & On #409: It's Not Rocket Science

Welcome to the show folks...

1. SPIDER-MAN 4: DEVELOPMENT DEVELOPMENTS

Okay sometimes I really despair over the development process.

Marvel, Sony, and Sam Raimi are putting together, or developing, the script they need for Spider-Man 4. I'm hoping that they've learned their lessons from the creative and over-expensive mess otherwise known as Spider-Man 3, but now I'm thinking that those lessons just went way over their heads.

Okay here's the skinny.

They've been setting up Dylan Baker to play Curt Connors/The Lizard since at least the second movie. However, the studio is balking from having a villain without a human face, and want Anne Hathaway and John Malkovich in the movie.

Now folks have been musing for months that Miss Hathaway will be playing The Black Cat, and more recently that Malkovich will be playing the The Vulture.

Except some recent reports say that they're only half-right. Malkovich will play The Vulture, but Anne Hathaway will not be the Black Cat, but instead will be playing a new creation called, wait for it, The Vulturess.

Someone call a doctor, because we need to get someone's head out of their own ass stat!

The whole concept of The Vulturess is lamer than OJ Simpson's last defense, and just reeks of someone in a position of power dropping brain-farts for the sake of hearing their own voice, even if it means losing Anne Hathaway in a skin tight and revealing Black Cat outfit.

Here's what you do...

Act 1. Since Curt Connors research is all about regeneration, it would be natural for the aging Vulture to go after it, and for Black Cat to want it to sell to the highest bidder. Spidey gets on their tail, there's a big kerfuffle at the Connors' lab and whoops, poor Connors is now The Lizard.

Act 2. The Vulture finds a way to control the Lizard and use it to get the materials he needs to bring back his youth. Black Cat joins forces with Spider-Man to catch them, after a few sexy rooftop encounters, and the hunt begins.

Act 3. Spider-Man wants to cure his friend and teacher, Black Cat doesn't really care. There's a battle royale on the roof of the Chrysler building or some other landmark. Spider-Man narrowly saves the day, and is possibly betrayed by Black Cat who has her own agenda.

Toss in Mary Jane getting jealous, J. Jonah Jameson ranting and raving, and Aunt May being feeble and helpless, and the movie writes itself.

Like I said, it's not rocket science, it's Hollywood.

2. WHAT THE HELL?

James Schamus the President of Focus Features* actually expressed some honesty, which has left me shocked and appalled.

Just look at what he told Variety:

"We all feel pressure to hit homers, but 'A Serious Man,' a film that has no definable genre or business plan, is the solid double we hoped it would be, and 'Coraline' got more Annie nominations than 'Up,' " Schamus said. "Of course, I got my ass kicked on 'Woodstock.' That is going to happen, but you've got to keep making movies you believe in, at reasonable costs."

What's all this talk about reasonable costs and reasonable expectations?

That's pretty much blasphemy for someone in the movie business.

I mean anyone in the movie business knows that the secret of success is spending immense amounts of other people's money and declaring that anything that makes less than $100 million is the most dismal failure in the world, because you pissed away more than $100 million.

By Xenu, I don't know what to make of someone who wants to make inexpensive movies with reasonable box office expectations, especially when they seem to use a passion for the material as their guide over a desire to get a leg up on starlets and shareholders alike.

I'd like to take a look at the books over at Focus Features and see if this crazy method is actually working, because it just leaves me gobsmacked.

* Focus Features was spawned by the union of Gramercy Pictures (Polygram Filmed Entertainment), USA Films, and October Films by parent company Universal Pictures and Barry Diller, and now acts as the NBC-U "indie" and art-house subsidiary.

Hollywood Babble On & On #408: Mini Musings

Welcome to the show folks....

1. The Nevada prison housing OJ Simpson was flooded with media inquiries after gossip pimp Perez Hilton reported (falsely) that the "Juice" was severely beaten.

That'll teach Perez to stop reading Roger Avery's prison Tweets.

2. A woman has been sentenced to jail time for trying to pirate the movie New Moon.

I'd have locked her up for thinking that New Moon was worth pirating.

3. In other vampire related news Jonny Depp and Tim Burton are going ahead with their adaptation of the old gothic-vampire soap-opera Dark Shadows. I'm having visions of Helena Bonham Carter in some sort of goth accouterments for some reason.

4. And finally, this trailer for a TV pilot that hasn't been made yet. Though only a couple of minutes long, it's still more entertaining than a lot of shows currently running on TV, and pretty much beats NBC's entire prime time line-up.

Hollywood Babble On & On #407: Do Abs Mean Action?

Welcome to the show folks...

The internet is all abuzz about Twilight/New Moon star Taylor Lautner getting signed to play the title role in the action/adventure/toy adaptation Max Steel, with a certain biz blogger declaring him the next big action star.

Not so fast, let's just stop and think for a minute about the pros and cons of trying to make Mr. Lautner an action star.

PROS:

1. He's young, good looking, seems to have a lot of charm, and his abs certainly get a lot of attention.

2. Has a martial arts background and seems buff enough for the physical aspects of action film-making.

3. I don't see him and his personal life getting the sort of tabloid attention his co-stars get. Which is good for him in any field in entertainment.

CONS:

1. He's too young and too good looking. Right now his target audience are pimply teenage girls, sexually frustrated cougar wannabes and immature gay men. This target audience does not go to action movies. The target audience of action movies are straight boys and men who like to watch fights and blow shit up. They don't want action heroes who look like they'd enter a fight and scream: "Oh God! Not the face!" They want tough looking characters, who look like they could take a punch as well as they could give it, and care not a whit for vanity or fashion.

Then there's his age. There's a good reason why Clint Eastwood could still play a believable tough guy when he was just shy of 80 years old. The best action stars are ones that look like they've been through some serious shit, and bear the consequences of that on their face. That requires some age and experience, and young master Lautner hasn't even finished puberty, let alone gone through hell and back.

That means he will have to be extremely careful in what roles he takes, using his youth and inexperience as a character element until he gets grizzled enough to play a believable veteran tough guy. And he should also avoid the sort of scripts where his dialogue is made up entirely of "youth slang" and overly macho posing, because that reeks of phony, which might take you through one movie, and maybe even two, but it's not going to help you in the long run.

2. Martial arts and physicality, while helpful, can also be harmful. There is too much temptation in Hollywood movies to take a modicum of martial arts skill and exaggerate it into some sort of cartoonish superheroism. Sure, it might sell some tickets at first, but try to maintain that standard as you age without elaborate special effects and suddenly the longevity one gets as an action star is lost.

If he wants the sort of longevity to his career as an action star, he should aim for more realistic looking abilities. Something to separate himself from the supernatural wolf-boy character he plays in Twilight.

3. This is still a pro. The temptations of fame are many, and clubbing oneself into the wee hours can take you away from the focus needed to maintain a proper action star career and to know the difference between the gag inducing posing of the shorter lived stars, and the sort of quality "action hero" roles he needs. So my advice to him is stay off the tabloid radar, be boring in his personal life, and to bank his money, because you never know when it's all going to end.

Saturday Silliness Cinema: Jeremy Hotz

Welcome to the show folks...

Today I've got a little Canadian stand-up comedy, performed by a little stand up comedian named Jeremy Hotz. He doesn't seem too happy about stuff.

I'll be back ranting and raving about pop culture and the business behind it very soon. So be sure to check back.

Hollywood Babble On & On #406: Happy Birthday To Me...

Welcome to the show folks...

I'm blogging a little late because it was my birthday today, and I spent a good chunk of that birthday helping my father replace a sump-pump during a flood inducing rainstorm. Joy.

Anyway, I'm here so let's get busy...

1. I FOR ONE WELCOME OUR NEW CABLE OVERLORDS

Well, barring any governmental interference the sale of NBC-Universal to the Comcast Cable giant is pretty much done and dusted. And for some reason Jeff Zucker is still in the cat-bird seat, which can only be explained in one of three ways.

• Zucker has incriminating evidence on every CEO in America, and hence can blackmail his way to success despite turning NBC into a wasteland, and coasting on already successful cable channels.
• Comcast is only keeping Zucker so they can have a smooth transition, which will include massive firings and layoffs, ending with the defenestration of Senor Zucker from his corner office.
• Zucker has some sort of black magic mojo going on.

Josef Adalian at The Wrap, has 5 ideas about what to do with NBC, which is still the flagship of the TV side of the business, and he makes some good points. I would move Leno to 8 PM but I'd also shrink his show down to once, maybe twice, a week, but that's just me.

I wish Comcast good luck turning things around, they're going to need it.

2. IN OTHER UNIVERSAL RELATED NEWS

The street is abuzz with the possibility that Debbie Liebling, outgoing Fox exec will be moving in as Universal's head of production. She's got a good background in developing comedy properties, like South Park, and Borat, and has maintained good relations with the people who make them. Universal could use more cost-effective comedy after things like Land of the Lost.

Now some have criticized Debbie Liebling for the failure of Fox Atomic during her tenure. Personally, the failure was pretty much locked in when the Fox brain-trust gave it the lame name of Fox Atomic. I mean say what you will about the Weinsteins, they at least had the good sense to name their genre division Dimension Films and not Miramax Atomic. So I will give her the benefit of the doubt.

3. BULLY FOR YOU SONY

Sony Pictures had a banner year, breaking records left and right. Giving them one of my rarely dispensed and highly coveted Magnificent Bastard Awards!

Which will be revoked in about 5 minutes when they start poor-mouthing themselves to get out of paying people, so I say they should take some time to enjoy it.

I don't give those awards out every day.

Hollywood Babble On & On #405: Miscellaneous Musings...

Welcome to the show folks...

1. YOU SANK MY BATTLESHIP MOVIE

Just when you thought making a movie out of a board game couldn't get any lamer, Hollywood doth provides. Director Peter Berg announced that his upcoming adaptation of the board game Battleship will feature naval battleships battling ALIEN battleships.

I always thought making movies out of board games was a form of pulling ideas out of one's ass, but now they seem to be reaching past the colon for nuggets like this.

2. WHO AM I TO BUCK A TREND?

Since I'm sheep like in my trendiness, I'm going to post this amusing little video about how James Cameron got the money for all those expensive special effects in Avatar. (h/t Nikki Finke and it's NSFW)



3. AND IN SORT OF RELATED TO JAMES CAMERON NEWS...

Cash strapped prodco Halcyon is now selling off the props and costumes from Terminator: Salvation.

Now some folks are thinking of reviving the franchise somewhere else, all I can tell them is to back away. The franchise is cursed!

Hollywood Babble On & On #404: When Is An Adaption Not An Adaption?

Welcome to the show folks...

I'd someone to explain something to me.

You see I saw this story at Sci-Fi Wire about how they're going to do a TV series on the Syfy(llis) channel.

Nothing strange there, but then I read about the details of the show.

The show will be called Haven, and be about an FBI agent battling the forces of evil in a quaint Maine town housing people living with supernatural curses.

Okay, small town X-Files, I can see it, nothing too odd about that.

Then is says that the story is based on King's novella The Colorado Kid.

That's the weird part.

You see, The Colorado Kid, isn't about FBI agents and curses, it's about two old men who run a village newspaper telling the story of an unsolved mystery, that may or may not be a crime, to a young intern. It doesn't even have much to do with its own cover, let alone with this show.

How that becomes a TV series about the supernatural is the real unsolved mystery of this piece.

I think SyFy went up to King, and said:

"We want to paste your name on a new show, a sort of X-Files with clam chowder kinda thing. Do you have a book that isn't already optioned?"

"The Colorado Kid."

"We'll take it!"

"But it's not supernatural---"

"Don't stink up the air with facts, here's a truckload of money."

"What facts? Take it away."

That's what I think, what do you think?

Hollywood Babble On & On #403: When You Know You're Going To Fail

Welcome to the show folks...

There was a time when the people that make movies would talk about how their film was going to fill theaters, break records, and teach the world how to love again. Nowadays the trend seems to be to rush to make excuses as to why the film flopped even before its released.

Case in point: The movie Brothers, starring Toby Maguire, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Natalie Portman. It's directed by Jim Sheridan who had a breakout critical success with My Left Foot, and right now Sheridan is rushing to explain why the film is going to fail at the box office.

Basically, he blames the audience, and I quote:

"I think the American people just don't think there is a war on, so why should they have to go to a movie about something that doesn't exist? Their state of denial is hard to overcome," Sheridan said.

Really?

Well, Jake Gyllenhall is in denial that it's even a war movie. Though he might be following a cunning plan that poor Senor Sheridan failed to realize.

You see, the average American isn't in denial that their country is at war, and has been since 2001, they are denial of Hollywood's version of it.

Movies like Rendition, Syriana, Redacted, In the Valley of Elah, Stop Loss, and Xenu knows how many others hammered on the same themes too many times. Those themes being, America is evil, and the members of its military / counter-terror organizations are either emotionally crippled basket cases because of the horrors their country made them commit, bible-thumping psychopaths hungering for the blood of the innocent, or dimwitted cogs in the sinister machinations of big businesses like Halliburton because they're, well, dimwitted, and blinded by patriotic jingoism and the adrenaline rush of combat. Sometimes they're all three.

Now remember, a lot of Average Americans have either served in the military, are related to people in the military, or know someone who is or was in the military. They're not going to by tickets that tells them that they/their brother/ sister/ cousin/ neighbor/ friend/ dentist are all wrong in the head because they served their country and put themselves in harm's way.

Even films that promise not to do that are still avoided, because the audience knows that no matter what the press says, the odds of such a film shifting gears into some sort of cinematic slap in the face are pretty damn good.

Why not try honest, and admit that these films are only being made to please Hollywood insiders because it fits their own political stances/prejudices, and they don't have to worry about profits, because it's not their money being wasted on making the film.

That would be a refreshing change of pace.

Another case in point...

The marketing folks for Jason Reitman's upcoming film Up In The Air, are concerned that a film about the emotional ennui of a man who fires people for a living will be a tough sell in today's tough economy.

Yeah, it would, but let's not forget some other factors that weigh against it.

1. It stars George Clooney. Unless George Clooney is backed up by Brad Pitt and at least ten other actors, the movie is likely to fizzle at the box office. Their best bet is to make the film as cheap as possible, and then hope they don't spend too much on marketing.

2. Juno backlash. Folks are just sick of the constant Juno hype, and have turned against everyone associate with the film. Diablo Cody didn't help with her constant prattling, yes, you were a stripper, we know, please shut the hell up about it.

3. It stars George Clooney. Face it, he's the male Nicole Kidman, his appeal doesn't stretch much farther beyond the borders of the Axis of Ego. Just thought I'd remind you of that little tidbit.

But I get a kick out of how some people have reacted to this bit of news. Like this quote from the blog Hollywood Elsewhere.

This 11.30 Claudia Eller/L.A. Times piece about the marketing of Up In The Air reminds us that selling motion pictures to the American public today is about the fine art of communicating with the dumbest, most under-educated and most culturally insulated people in the history of western civilization. Not to mention the most heavily narcotized (i.e., via food, alcohol, prescription drugs, constant TV watching, frequent visits to malls). [emphasis in the original]

Gee, not a bit of an elitist there, aren't you?

But he does capture an attitude that's very prevalent in Hollywood these days. It doesn't matter if the film isn't very good, or very appealing, or has a lot of baggage going against it, the audience must be idiots for not falling on their knees and begging their betters to take their money.

The moment I read that little tidbit, I had a vision of the author resplendent in the robes of a 18th century French monarch complaining that the peasants are revolting because they refuse to agree that it's raining when he pisses in their ear.

Now I'd like to mention a little film called The Blind Side. The film is the true story of a family of white Southern Christians who take in a homeless kid, and raise him to become a behemoth NFL player. Now it star Sandra Bullock, but aside from The Proposal, her box-office record is hit and miss, but this is definitely a hit.

Why?

Because Mr. & Mrs. Average American relate to the story and to the characters, and the film. They see their beliefs and attitudes in the film, and enjoy that they're not being portrayed as villains, which is the default position for Hollywood's portrayal of white Southern Christians. They're not being insulted, told they're crazy, or racist, or evil, because of who they are. As soon as word of mouth got out, the film even enjoyed a little boost, to put it over $100 million in 2 weeks.

Of course that's probably going to go completely over the heads of Hollywood executives who will look at the box office stats and say: "A-ha! People love Sandra Bullock as a blond! We need 100 gallons of blond Nice & Easy, stat!"

Because the real reason the film succeeds lies completely on their blind side.

Voyage to the Uncanny Valley

Captain's log, Stardate November 29th 2009...

It was an ordinary day on the bridge of the USS Furious when I got a call from Starfleet's Chief of Exposition, Admiral Tellitall.

"How can I save the Movie Galaxy today?" I asked the Admiral as I stroked my manly chin in a way that made me seem both intellectually curious, yet didn't detract from my ruggedly handsome good looks.

"This is a very important mission," replied Admiral Tellitall, "the sort of mission that only a dashingly handsome adventurer like you can pull off."

"Oh please," I said in all humility, as I scoped out my own reflection on the monitor, "you're giving me a big ego."

"I'll cut to the chase Captain Furious," said Admiral Tellitall, "one of Hollywood's top directors has lost his mind."

"That's not exactly uncommon," I replied.

"Except this director seems completely disconnected from common sense," added Tellitall.

"That too is pretty common."

"He's wasting hundreds of millions of dollars!"

"Still pretty ho-hum."

"Listen Furious," snapped Tellitall, "just get to the planet Animatia, find Robert Zemeckis and..."

"Terminate with extreme prejiduce?" I asked.

"No," answered Tellitall, "just slap some sense into him. He's barricaded himself somewhere in the jungles of Animatia, and he's saying that he should get an Oscar category for Motion Capture movies."

"That's one way to get an Oscar without making another Forrest Gump," I said.

"Just beam down and find him."

"Will do sir."

***

Animatia lay in the heart of the Movie Galaxy's Hollywood Federation, but it was still a wild and unruly frontier. Empires rose and fell on a regular basis, and competition was ruthless.

I decided to avoid the perpetual war zone that lay between Disney and Dreamworks, and beamed down in the former Realm of Independent Animated Features. All around me were the remains of the movie Delgo, reduced to nothing but bones. Something was sniffing around the bones.

"James Cameron?" I asked.

"Nothing to see here," snapped James Cameron, "I didn't rip them off. They ripped me off! Yeah, that's the ticket, it's not like both stories are from the same grab-bag of hackneyed sci-fi/fantasy cliches, we were both completely original works that have nothing in common! I have an Oscar! I have an Oscar!!"

"I don't care about that Cameron," I said, "I need to find Robert Zemeckis."

"Oh," said James Cameron. "He on the fringe of Disney territory, he's gone past Pixar, and into some dangerous territory."

"Where is he?" I demanded. "Or I swear I'm going to tell you what I really think of Avatar and completely shatter your illusions of genius!"

"All right!" pleaded Cameron. "He's lost deep in the heart of the Uncanny Valley. But you'll need a guide. Go to the mouth of the Valley and ask for a guy named Moe Capp, he'll take you to Zemeckis. He's the only person Zemeckis will deal with now."

"All right," I said, "now scram," wondering I had started talking like my character in my Private Eye parodies.

***

"Are you Moe Capp?" I asked, keeping my hand hovering above my phaser, not out of fear but simply because this guy looked like he was going to be very annoying.

"I'm the future man," replied the scrawny man with the raggedy beard and stringy hair, "Mo-Cap is the future. Soon man, we're not going to need actors, sets, cameras, or anything man. All we're going to need is a computer full of motions that we captured!"

"I need you to take me to Robert Zemeckis," I commanded.

"He sees the future man," continued Moe Capp, "he know that the revolution will be digitized!"

"Can you take me or not?" I said cramming my phaser into his face.

"All right dude," said Moe Capp. "But when it's gone, he's gone, there's going to be nothing left but motions, and they'll all be captured!"

"Let's go," I said, dragging him out of his hut, and together we plunged into the depths of the Uncanny Valley.

***

The trip down the river into the Uncanny Valley was pretty uneventful, sure the boat's crew had all been killed, but since they weren't the star, namely me, they really didn't matter.

"Here we are!" hooted Moe Capp as he danced in glee at the prow of the boat.

Before me was a massive temple built in the shape of a hard-drive, but that wasn't what shocked me.

"I see you noticed that it's made out of heads," said Moe Capp, "well he needed those heads man. To capture their motions man."

The temple was made out of head, their faces covered in little tiny dots to measure and record their movements.

"Wait here," I said, setting my phaser to maximum pimp-slap, and stepping off the boat, "I'm going in."

***

"Who are you?" asked a voice from the shadows.

"I'm Captain Furious of the Federation," I said.

"You're an errand boy," croaked the figure in the shadows, "send by snack bar clerks to butter the popcorn."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Quiet," roared as he stood up in the light and I could see that it was Bob Zemeckis, wearing a tropical print mu-mu and his eyes drunk on the potential of technology. "I have another motion capture movie to make. This time I'm going to do a remake of Singing In The Rain, completely digitally."

"Dude," I said, "I'm here to snap you out of your madness!"

"I'm not mad!" snapped Zemeckis, "I'm ahead of my time!"

"No you're mad," I said, "your movies make less money each time, and get worse reviews each time. You're not improving, and that's a creative dead end."

"It's not a dead end," replied Zemeckis, "I just need finer rendering of the pores in Scrooge's skin."

"It doesn't matter how well rendered they are," I said, "they still look like corpses being pulled around on strings. They don't thrill audiences, they make them think of death."

"Go away!" barked Zemeckis. "I'm taking cinema on the next step in evolution!"

"I'm sorry I have to do this," I said as I aimed my phaser, and hit him with a full power shot. Zemeckis flipped over his throne and fell to the floor with a heavy thud. It was a heavy dose of common sense, but any less wouldn't have had any affect at all.

"Captain to the USS Furious," I said into my communicator, "two to beam up. It's time to leave the Uncanny Valley and return to the real world."

THE END