Monday, 2 July 2007

Chapter 19


a blog novel thingy



"What just happened," asked Playful1, her uniform for Frogfart's University of Wizardry had been replaced by an elegant blood red evening gown.

"Yeah," said GiGi also looking confused in her hand tailored pink Chanel suit.

Furious D, agent Double XL, adjusted his black bow tie and brushed some lint from his Armani tuxedo. Chompy the Badger, hadn't changed clothes, since being a badger he didn't wear any, but he was wearing a delightful new cologne, something German, both mountain fresh and slightly dictatorial.

"I'm looking pretty sharp," said Furious D reaching into his jacket and taking out his Walther PPK pistol. "Looks like we're being rewritten by Ian Fleming."

"So where are we now?" asked GiGi.

The Hammersmith Hotel in London, said the new author, who like JK Rowling before him referred to himself in the third person.

"Let me look up the outline," said Furious D, reholstering his new pistol and fishing out a copy of the novel's outline. "Okay, we're in London, Gaston LaFarge and Saccharine are downstairs in the casino, and we're going to challenge to a game of cards for possession of the last piece of the map to the Albanian Budgie."

"We're still looking for pieces of the map?" said Playful1 in frustration. "I thought we were through with all that running around."

"Apparently not," said Furious D.

"And when did this story have an outline?" asked GiGi. "I thought this whole thing was being made up on the spot?"

*POOF* the outline disappeared in a puff of logic.

"I guess I better go downstairs," said Furious D. "Playful1, GiGi, you should take positions in the casino. And don't waste time checking out my taut, muscular behind, we have a job to do."

"I'm pretty sure we can fight that temptation," said GiGi.


Furious D strode into the casino and looked around. It was the usual collection of upscale Eurotrash playing games to fill the void of ennui that dominated their normally empty lives.

Gaston LaFarge was sitting at the main card table clad in a hand tailored Savile Row tuxedo. Next to him was his assistant Saccharine Von Vixenhoffer dressed in a low cut gown presenting the most cleavage Furious had seen since he was weened.

"What's the game?" asked Furious D.

"Poker," answered LaFarge.

"Poke her," said Furious D, "I hardly know her."

When Furious D regained consciousness he realized that some people don't appreciate bad puns about card games, and some women can punch really hard.

"What kind of poker?" asked Furious D as he sat back in his seat and fixed his hair. "Texas Hold'em?"

"Hollywood Hold'em," said Gaston LaFarge, "winner takes all, but only the gross winnings are real, net winnings are just a pipe dream."

"Okay," said Furious D, not quite getting LaFarge's attempt at pop-culture satire. He waved for a waitress.

"'old yerselrf guv'nor," screeched the waitress, "I'll be t'ere in a sec luv."

After fifteen minutes the waitress still hadn't come.

"Miss," said Furious D. "Can I place an order?"

"Blimey," said the waitress, "ain't you impatient. Yer like a bloody bunch of savages."

"I'd like a martini, shaken not stirred," said Furious D.

"Ain't you all particular like," said the waitress. "Next ting you'll be askin' fer a clean glass."

"Could you do that too?" asked Furious D.

"What are you," asked the waitress, taking a swig from a bottle of whiskey kept in her apron pocket, "the bloody Queen?"

"Perhaps another waitress should come?" asked Furious D.

"She's the nicest one," said LaFarge. "One tried to break a bottle on my head."

"Oi," screeched the waitress, "what's all tis then? You badmouthing British service?"

"Not me," said LaFarge.

"'coz Britain's number one for drunkeness, violence, and poor education in Europe," said the waitress, "we've finally got sumtin to be proud of."

"Who's writing this chapter?" asked LaFarge.

"Ian Fleming," said Furious D.

"I thought he died like forty years ago?" asked LaFarge.

"Come to think about it, he did," answered Furious D, and suddenly the whole room began to swirl.

"Come on!" said Furious D. "I haven't had a chance to use any gadgets or score any babes! This isn't fair!"

And then the story spun madly into oblivion while it waited for a live author to make something out of this pig's ear of a novel....


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