Monday, 2 July 2007

Chapter 18


a woefully confused blog novel thingy

CHAPTER 18: Furious Potter and the Odour of the Budgie

"Now what," said Furious D, angry at yet another annoying development in this already annoying and confusing plot. "First we end up in a synagogue in the Himalayas, then the villains show up, then Charlton Hestons pops out of nowhere, Chompy's complaining about not getting enough dialogue and fatal maulings, I accidentally wrote out one of my sidekicks and now someone else shows up to complicate things. And what the hell is with the 3rd person narration? I was narrating this story."

The story was getting confusing so I thought I'd step in.

"And you are?" asked Furious D.

JK Rowling, said the new narrator, I'm cruising for a new project now that I've killed off Harry Potter.

"You killed off Harry Potter?" asked GiGi, ruining the logic of the story like Ron Weasely with a spell.

Shit, said the new narrator, referring to herself in the 3rd person as well, I think I just blew the ending. That's gonna cost me a lotta money.

"I'm not comfortable with just handing over the narration to some guest author," said Furious D.

How does a million dollars in cash and I refer to you as 'ruggedly handsome' often in the novel.

"Toss in 'manly' and 'sexy,'" said Furious D, "and you got a deal. Now what are you going to do with this story?"

First, said JK Rowling, let's do something with this setting...

And with a flurry of rewriting our Hero and the other characters were whisked from the unlikely setting of a Himalayan synagogue to something that'll appeal better to international audiences...


"Where are we?" asked Playful1, happy that she finally got to say somethig this chapter.

"It's a school," said the ruggedly handsome Furious D in a tone that was both sexy and manly, "it's Frogfarts University for Witches and Wizards."

"Look at me?" said Charlton Heston, now recast from Temple Elder to Frogfarts Dean Anus Bumblesnore.

"Cool beard," said GiGi.

"It's left-over from the Ten Commandments," answered Bumblesnore.

"I don't know about this," said Gaston LaFarge in his Moldysnort costume, "this cape is kinda gay."

"According to this script," said Saccharine, "I'm Lucy Malljoy, junior villain."

"I'm Anemone Stranger," said Playful1, "student wizard and sidekick."

"How come I'm Dawn Sneezely," asked GiGi, "the comic relief sidekick?"

"At least you don't have a badger in an owl costume on your shoulder," said the manly Furious D in a ruggedly handsome and sexy tone. "Especially a badger that should try Slim-Fast."

Chompy flapped his arms to slap his ruggedly manly friend, but since they were stuck in the wings of an owl costume it was as futile as a muggle trying to tame a flibjabber.

"She's changed the setting to a university," said the manly and sexy Furious D in a ruggedly handsome tone of voice. "You know what this means?"

"What?" asked everyone.


"Finally," said Saccharine, "this story is starting to make sense to me."

Wait, cried the new narrator as her characters left for the liquor store, get back here, this is supposed to be a magical adventure, not a remake of Animal House.

"Toga! Toga!"


"Oh," said Seamus, Gaston LaFarge's other personality, "that was some party last night."

"Oooooh," moaned the manly Furious D in a sexily handsome... aw screw it, he sounded like crap.

"Where did this tatoo come from?" asked GiGi, "and who the hell is Sirius Bleck?"

"Damn you!" screamed Charlton Heston kneeling prostrate before the smoking stereo system, "you blew it out! Damn you all to hell!"

"Enough with the yelling," said Saccharine, "my head is killing me."

"My mouth feels like an elf pissed in it," said Gaston LaFarge.

"Sorry about that," said Nobby, the house elf, who then vanished in a puff of magic before LaFarge could throttle him.

"Who wants cold pizza for breakfast?" asked Playful1.

Look at you people, said JK Rowling, you're supposed to be locked in a life and death struggle for possession of the Albanian Budgie, not partying your drunken asses off.

"Lighten up," said Furious D, no longer described as manly, rugged, handsome, or sexy. "We've been running around like demented beavers since this damn story began, we need a break."

Well I'm quitting, said JK Rowling, I've sold off my spot as guest writer to another best selling author.

"Who?" asked Furious D.

You'll find out.


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