6 DEGREES OF DECAPITATION
a blog novel thingy
CHAPTER 17: THE LABOURS OF JERKULES
"Oh my God!" said GiGi unable to contain her shock.
"It's impossible!" added Playful1.
"I can't believe it!" said Saccharine.
"This is madness," said Gaston LaFarge.
"I can't fucking believe it!" added Seamus, Gaston's other personality.
Even Chompy's jaw dropped in disbelief.
"It's Charlton Heston," I said.
"Yes," said Heston, "but today I am playing the role of Althus, Master of the Temple of Boom."
"Don't you mean 'Doom?'" I asked.
"No," replied Heston, "Spielberg and Lucas threatened to sue."
"Bastards," I said.
"Anyhoo," continued Heston. "You are here to seek the lost Albanian Budgie."
Both LaFarge and I nodded.
"To find the Budgie you must survive the Three Trials of Three Terrible Tragedies," said Heston, "each one deadlier than the last."
"Then the winner gets the Budgie?"
"The winner must then defeat the Four Furies of Fearsome Fate," continued Heston.
"And then you get the Budgie?"
"And then you must face the Five Fiery Flames of Fiery Flaminess," added Heston.
Seamus aimed Gaston's pistol and shot Heston in the shoulder.
"Just hand over the fucking bird," growled Seamus.
"Dammit!" said Heston, who then pulled an impressive array of weaponry from the depths of his robes. "If you're gonna play that way you can take the Budgie from my cold dead hands!"
"Have it your way," said Seamus.
"Take cover!" I said diving behind some pews as bullets ripped the place apart in a ballet of death. Splinters of wood flew past me in slow motion and I hit the stone floor hard. White doves dashed out of their hiding places and flapped furiously into the night sky.
"Cut!" yelled out John Woo as he stepped into the temple. "You're doing the dive all wrong. And I need you to howl when you dive."
"I howled," I said.
"You yelped," said Woo.
"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked.
"I'm directing the shoot out," answered John Woo.
"This is a novel," I said, "not a movie. You're not supposed to be here."
"Fine," said Woo. "I'll be in my trailer."
"He gets a trailer?" said Playful1. "I didn't get my own trailer, I got a booth in the honeywagon."
"This is not a movie!" I yelled. "I'm the star, I'm the narrator, and I'm writing this damn thing. So let's get back on track with the plot."
"Someone thinks very highly of himself," said GiGi. "Especially thinking there's an actual plot to this dog's breakfast of a story."
"You know," I said, "we haven't had anyone get killed off yet."
"What about me?" said Mark Hamill, "I got crushed in Chapter 8."
"You don't count," I said, "You're not a regular character. And since you've been killed you shouldn't be here and ruining the verisimillitude."
"Fine," said Hamill before leaving in a huff.
"This is exactly the sort of thing I'm talking about," said GiGi. "You're pulling lame gags out of your ass and..."
Charlton Heston's gun went off and GiGi stumbled to the floor of the temple.
"Joke's on you!" said GiGi, "Now I get a dramatic death scene! Everyone listen to my profound and dramatic last words that will make me a memorable character..."
Suddenly the floor beneath her opened up forming a massive chasm.
"Shiiiiiiiiittttttttt!" screamed GiGi as she vanished into the chasm, enraged at being cheated out of her death scene.
"Pretty ruthless," said Playful1.
"Sometimes you have to be," I said.
"She had the keys to the rental car," added Playful1. "We'll lose our deposit if we don't get it back."
"Shit," I said, "Oh well, I'll write her back in later. Now where were we?"
"You were all about to face your doom!" said yet another voice from the shadows.
"Now what?"TO BE CONTINUED...