6 DEGREES OF DECAPTATION
a blog mystery adventure thing
Chapter 16: Blood on the Snow, Snow on the Ground, Ground on the Rock, etc...
"Are we there yet?" asked Saccharine, "this icy wind is not good for my skin, and it's giving me split ends."
"We're almost there," said Gaston LaFarge as he checked his notes and his map. The lost treasure of the Albanian Budgie was almost in his steely graspy grasping grasp. "Just over one more mountain."
"That's what you said three mountains ago," replied Saccharine.
"It's not my fault that Furious D has lousy handwriting," said LaFarge. "Though everyone knows that illegible handwriting is a sign of true genius."
"Why did I say that?" asked LaFarge.
"He's narrating our scene again," said Saccharine.
"I hate it when he does that," said LaFarge. "He's such an
asshole awesome genius. Dammit! Now he's rewriting my dialogue!"
"Let's keep going," said Saccharine, "maybe if we don't do anything interesting he'll go narrate someone else. Though I do wish he didn't write me wearing a miniskirt and a tube top in the Himalayas it's frikkin' freezing."
"I'm not complaining," said LaFarge.
When LaFarge regained consciousness he realized that Saccharine had taken his winter coat.
"I hate it when he departs from first person narration."
GiGi stepped back from the heavy oak door of the abandoned Himalayan synagogue. Outside, our hero, the dashing, handsome swashbuckler, private eye and over all sex machine Furious D was battling for his life against a pack of enraged Yeti. GiGi was feeling a little guilty about forcing him outside to face certain death at the hands of semi-mythical beast men.
"I'm feeling a little guilty about forcing him outside to face certain death at the hands of semi-mythical beast men," said GiGi.
"I know," said Playful1, "I read the narration."
"Wait a minute," said GiGi. "If Furious D is outside getting a royal ass whupping, who is narrating this scene?"Playful1 shrugged.
"Post modern fiction is pointlessly confusing," said GiGi. "I thought it was annoying enough when he was narrating LaFarge and Saccharine's scenes."
Suddenly the door burst open. The bar splitting into a thousand splinters.
"Furious D!" exclaimed my two sidekicks.
"Yeah it's me," I said, tossing the carcass of a dead Yeti at their feet. "The abominable snowmen are all dead."
"How did you beat them all?" asked Playful1.
"Kicking ass is my business," I replied, dragging in another carcass. "And business was mighty good tonight."
"Why are you bringing them in here?" asked GiGi.
"Yeti pelts make great carpeting," I answered. "Don't you know where shag carpeting comes from?"
"Now I wish I don't," said Playful1.
"Plus," I added, "they taste like a salty beef."
"Don't be a baby."
"I'll be deciding who gets to be a baby tonight," said a voice behind me.
I spun around and saw my arch-foe Gaston LaFarge, his femme-fatale partner Saccharine, and an assortment of goons. All of them were pointing guns at us.
"So," said LaFarge. "Who'd have guessed that we'd both end up in the temple where the Albanian Budgie was hidden?"
GiGi raised her hand.
"I did," she said. "Furious D's a lazy writer. And I'm a big poopy-head. Oh very grown up Mr. Narrator."
"Well," I said to LaFarge, "what do we do next?"
"I'm leaning towards shooting you," said LaFarge. "Then taking the Budgie for myself."
"For me and Saccharine," he added.
"NOT SO FAST!" boomed a voice from the depths of the temple.
All of us looked into the shadows and gasped in surprise.