Saturday, 7 July 2007

Chapter 21: Hell- Oh Kitty!

6 Degrees of Decapitation
an ongoing blog novel thang

Chapter 21: Salem's Least
Special Guest Author
Stephen King

Furious D's whole body tensed, his sphincter suddenly went tighter than a miser's wallet...

"Isn't that a little too much detail?" asked Furious D of the guest author.

How many best sellers have you written blog boy?

"No need to get snippy," said Furious D. "How about a hint about what's creeping around the bushes of the old Pet Cemetery?"

Now that would be too much detail.

"Fine," said Furious D in a manner that went from petulant to whiny. "And I'm not being whiny."

Furious D bent over and picked up an old mud caked spade that lying on the side of the road. At least he hoped it was mud.

"It better be mud," said Furious D to the guest author, "or you'll wish I was a truck being driven by a redneck. Now let me do something heroic."

Furious D raised the muddy spade up to strike. Whatever was lurking in the bushes was getting closer, closer....

Out came the biggest cock Furious D had ever seen!

"Not this tired old gag again?" asked Furious D, seeing the massive mutant rooster emerge from the bushes, blood and viscera dripping from it's beak. "I've already doled out the harshness on this particular piece of poultry already. Didn't you read chapters 11 and 12."

Yes. But the bird has changed. Thanks to the dark magic of the evil pet sematary it is now an undead rooster. Deadlier than ever before.

"I don't think it's that deadly," said Furious D, shaking the remains of the zombie rooster's head off the end of his shovel. "All it took was one swipe to take its head off. Oh, and by the way, that whole misspelling the word 'cemetery' is getting pretty old."

You bastard!

You killed it before I could write a big fight scene! I had it all sketched out.

"This isn't one of your 800 page hardcover doorstops," said Furious D, "this is a blog novel, you gotta get things done quick."

Oh really?

Then I shall now quickly make you face the wrath of the entire Pet Semetary!

And yes I deliberately misspelled 'cemetery' you anal retentive prick.

More rustling emerged from the bushes. Furious D's heart raced as he heard dozens, if not hundred of undead paws clawing their way out of the cursed earth of the pet cemetery.

"Paws clawing?" asked Furious D, "Isn't that sentence a bit clumsy."

I'll fix it in rewrites, now face your horrible screaming death.

Furious D shook the last bits of the undead mutant rooster off the blade of his spade and raised it to strike whatever fresh terror emerged from the bushes.


"Aah," said Furious D, "it's a cute little kitty. Smells a bit, but it doesn't look very frightening."


With a mewl of protest the zombie kitten flew off of Furious D's swinging spade, through the air and splattered against the side of an old pine tree, no doubt earning nasty comments of protest from PETZA. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombie Animals)

"Sheesh Stevie," said Furious D, "this old zombie hound-dog is missing two of its legs,and looks older than the dirt it crawled out of. Well, I better put it out of its misery."


"This is a goldfish," said Furious D, completely unimpressed by the horrors his guest author and nemesis was providing. "What's it going to do, flap on me?"


It's a pet cemetery what do think it'll have, lions and tigers and bears?

"Oh my," said Furious D, as he dispatched a whole litter of zombie puppies into Doggy Heaven. "Is this the best you got?"

I can do better, in fact, I can just do the rest of the chapter without you.

"Asshole!" said Furious D, furious at being cut out of his own story.

Yes, I know using Furious as a name and furious as a description is bad sentence structure, but I'll fix it in rewrites, all right.

Get off my damn back!


"Hai-Yah!" bellowed Playful1 as she drove the leg of another chair into the chest of another vampire.

"In hindsight," said the vampire seconds before he crumpled into dust, "we shouldn't have had so much wooden furniture. Aaaaargh!"

Another vampire leaped at Playfuly1 as she struggled to pull the chair leg out of her latest kill's chest.

With a roar the vampire was tackled in mid-air by a furry cannonball named Chompy T. Badger. Within seconds the nosferatu's throat was torn out and it's head popped backwards like a Pez dispenser.

"Take that," declared GiGi as she swung a machete finishing the decapitation with a mighty stroke. As the vampire's head hit the floor of the old mansion, he thought that maybe decorating the walls with machetes and axes was also a bad idea.

"Is that the last of them?" asked Playful1, picking up her battle axe.

Chompy sniffed the air and nodded. There was no one else in the house but them and the dusty bones of half a dozen recently snuffed vampires.

"What a strange night," said GiGi. "We get kidnapped by a demoniacally possessed car and taken to a town full of vampires wasn't it Playful1?"

"Yeah," said Playful1, "they were going to sacrifice us to their demon lord but then we escaped. Wasn't that a daring escape Chompy?"

Chompy shrugged, since he couldn't talk, he really couldn't participate in this piece of exposition.

"How many vampires did we kill?" asked Playful1.

"About fifty, maybe sixty." answered GiGi.

"I felt like kicking some ass," said Playful1, "taking turns knocking out Furious D every time he said something obnoxious was getting long in the tooth."

Suddenly the door burst open.

"I'll save you!" bellowed Furious D as he charged into the room, his now blood and slime caked shovel ready to strike.

"We don't need saving," said Playful1.

"Yeah," added GiGi, "where were you?"

Furious D told them that he spent the night killing puppies and kittens.

"That's a lie you clam chowder sucking bastard!" yelled Furious D, realizing that the above statement was the last thing these two women wanted to hear in a room full of weapons. "They were zombie pets trying to eat me. Not very well, mind you, but they were trying."

"Well," said GiGi, "we were smacking vampires."

"There were vampires in a house full of weapons and I missed it?" asked Furious D, disappointed at missing the carnage. "You'll pay for this Stephen King!"

Playful1 then told Furious that the entire town was controlled by vampires and that they killed all sixty or so of them.

"But the sign at the edge of town says the population is over two thousand," said Furious D.

Then everything went quiet.

Quiet except for the footsteps of over two thousand vampires coming in for the kill.

"Oh somebody is just asking for trouble!"


No comments:

Post a Comment