6 Degrees of Decapitation
an ongoing travesty of a blog novel
Chapter 22
Vampire, vampires everywhere, and not a drop of blood to drink
Vampire, vampires everywhere, and not a drop of blood to drink
Furious D opened the front door and let out a girlish scream of terror.
"I did not," said Furious D. "That was an ancient war cry."
"I did not," said Furious D. "That was an ancient war cry."
Sure, and I look like the bastard son of Tyrone Power.
"Let's just get on with the story," said Furious D, slamming the door shut and dragging furniture to barricade it. He was barricading the door because approximately two thousand vampires were coming, and they looked hungry, and pissed.
"We're going to need more weapons," said Furious D to GiGi, Playful1 and Chompy the Badger. "More than the unusually pointy furniture and sharp objects in this room."
"We got kinda wrapped up with the vampire smashing," said Playful1.
"We haven't checked the other rooms," said GiGi.
"We better hurry," said Furious D looking out the window at the approaching horror. "They're walking very slowly, but they aren't that far."
"I have an idea," said GiGi taking a CD from the depths of her cleavage. "Toss me that boom box."
Chompy nodded and tossed GiGi a conveniently available boom box. GiGi put in the CD, cranked up the volume, and hit play.
Michael Jackson's song Thriller echoed into the night.
"Excellent," said Furious D, "they've started dancing. That'll buy us some time."
Playful1 opened the door to the kitchen.
"It's about time you looked in here," said Saccharine, chained to the wall of the kitchen.
"Saccharine?" asked Furious D, "what are you doing here?"
"That prick LaFarge traded me to the vampires for the lost Albanian Budgie," said Saccharine. "That prick. I could understand Seamus doing something like that, but I thought Gaston and I had a connection that went beyond sex, because the sex wasn't that great."
"Where's the key for the chains?" asked Furious D. "Because we have to get out of here and stop LaFarge."
"Let him have the stupid budgie," said Playful1 as she took a key ring off a hook and tossed it to Furious D.
"You don't understand," said Furious D as he unlocked Saccharine, "the budgie is more than just a golden bird statue, in the wrong hands it can bring about the end of the world."
"But LaFarge can't be that crazy," asked GiGi, "can he?"
"He's not that crazy," answered Furious D, "but he is lousy at reading directions, and that makes him dangerous."
"Then we really need to get out of here," said Playful1. "There's some cars parked outside, but there's a bunch of dancing vampires between us."
Furious D needed weapons, weapons of mass vampiric destruction. Then he opened a door.
"Bingo!" said Furious D.
"Songs over," said one of the vampires.
"Billy Jean's coming on," said another.
"Why is the sidewalk lighting up beneath our feet," asked the first vampire.
"It's a funky effect."
"Shouldn't we be going inside to eat those mortals?"
"Oh look," said the second vampire, "the mortals are coming out."
"Uh-oh," said the first vampire. "Looks like they found Count Schmenge's closet."
Suddenly a massive wave of flame engulfed the vampires. Then another one came over, burning them to a crisp.
Furious D, Playful1, GiGi, and Saccharine, marched over the scorched bones of the vampires to the parked cars.
"You know," croaked the first vampire.
"What?" moaned the second vampire.
"Having a closet full of flamethrowers was a really bad idea."
Then there was the roar of an engine as a Buick 8 came to life and started rolling, grinding the last two vampires skulls into dust.
"Where did LaFarge go?" asked Furious D.
"Somewhere on the coast," answered Saccharine, "a place called Smuggler's Crotch."
"I know where that is," said GiGi, conveniently at the wheel. "I know a shortcut."
"Where is the shortcut?" asked Playful1.
"It's right behind that demoniacally possessed car," said GiGi, pointing to the old 1950s car with the EV1L license plate. It's engine roared with hellish fury and it's headlights glowed blood red.
"Oh bugger," said Furious D.
"We're going to need more weapons," said Furious D to GiGi, Playful1 and Chompy the Badger. "More than the unusually pointy furniture and sharp objects in this room."
"We got kinda wrapped up with the vampire smashing," said Playful1.
"We haven't checked the other rooms," said GiGi.
"We better hurry," said Furious D looking out the window at the approaching horror. "They're walking very slowly, but they aren't that far."
"I have an idea," said GiGi taking a CD from the depths of her cleavage. "Toss me that boom box."
Chompy nodded and tossed GiGi a conveniently available boom box. GiGi put in the CD, cranked up the volume, and hit play.
Michael Jackson's song Thriller echoed into the night.
"Excellent," said Furious D, "they've started dancing. That'll buy us some time."
Playful1 opened the door to the kitchen.
"It's about time you looked in here," said Saccharine, chained to the wall of the kitchen.
"Saccharine?" asked Furious D, "what are you doing here?"
"That prick LaFarge traded me to the vampires for the lost Albanian Budgie," said Saccharine. "That prick. I could understand Seamus doing something like that, but I thought Gaston and I had a connection that went beyond sex, because the sex wasn't that great."
"Where's the key for the chains?" asked Furious D. "Because we have to get out of here and stop LaFarge."
"Let him have the stupid budgie," said Playful1 as she took a key ring off a hook and tossed it to Furious D.
"You don't understand," said Furious D as he unlocked Saccharine, "the budgie is more than just a golden bird statue, in the wrong hands it can bring about the end of the world."
"But LaFarge can't be that crazy," asked GiGi, "can he?"
"He's not that crazy," answered Furious D, "but he is lousy at reading directions, and that makes him dangerous."
"Then we really need to get out of here," said Playful1. "There's some cars parked outside, but there's a bunch of dancing vampires between us."
Furious D needed weapons, weapons of mass vampiric destruction. Then he opened a door.
"Bingo!" said Furious D.
#
"Songs over," said one of the vampires.
"Billy Jean's coming on," said another.
"Why is the sidewalk lighting up beneath our feet," asked the first vampire.
"It's a funky effect."
"Shouldn't we be going inside to eat those mortals?"
"Oh look," said the second vampire, "the mortals are coming out."
"Uh-oh," said the first vampire. "Looks like they found Count Schmenge's closet."
Suddenly a massive wave of flame engulfed the vampires. Then another one came over, burning them to a crisp.
Furious D, Playful1, GiGi, and Saccharine, marched over the scorched bones of the vampires to the parked cars.
"You know," croaked the first vampire.
"What?" moaned the second vampire.
"Having a closet full of flamethrowers was a really bad idea."
Then there was the roar of an engine as a Buick 8 came to life and started rolling, grinding the last two vampires skulls into dust.
#
"Where did LaFarge go?" asked Furious D.
"Somewhere on the coast," answered Saccharine, "a place called Smuggler's Crotch."
"I know where that is," said GiGi, conveniently at the wheel. "I know a shortcut."
"Where is the shortcut?" asked Playful1.
"It's right behind that demoniacally possessed car," said GiGi, pointing to the old 1950s car with the EV1L license plate. It's engine roared with hellish fury and it's headlights glowed blood red.
"Oh bugger," said Furious D.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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