CHAPTER 26

6 DEGREES OF DECAPITATION

an ongoing blog-based insult to all that is good in the world

CHAPTER 26: TICK-TOCK

INT. CHOPPER --DAY

Furious D hangs up his cell phone and slides it casually into his pocket.

GIGI

What did Chloe have to say?

FURIOUS D

Not much, just that our friend here Agent Traitor is....

PLAYFUL1

Gay? Cause I was kinda getting that gay vibe thing.

TRAITOR

I'm not gay! Why do I keep getting that?

FURIOUS D

No, Agent Traitor is not gay, not that there's anything wrong with that, he's a...

GIGI

Unitarian?

FURIOUS D

No. He's--

PLAYFUL1

An Amway salesman?

FURIOUS D

No! He's a--

TRAITOR

Ooh! Ooh! I know this one! I'm a Pisces!

Furious D whips out his pistol and puts it to Traitor's head.

FURIOUS D

He's a traitor! Agent Traitor is a traitor! He's working for LaFarge!

There's a shocked gasp from everyone, including Traitor.

TRAITOR

Wait a minute, are you talking about my name, or what I've been up to?

FURIOUS D

What you've been up to.

TRAITOR

Then you've got me pegged. I've sold out my county.

FURIOUS D

Who? Who is behind LaFarge and his plot?

Traitor shrugs.

TRAITOR

I don't know. It could be Middle Eastern Terrorists, it could be some shady corporate conspiracy. It all depends on if the Fox Network gets threatened with another boycott.

FURIOUS D

Land this chopper. NOW!

TRAITOR

Fine. They're going to write me out anyway.

FURIOUS D

What do you mean?

The glass of the chopper's canopy shatters and a bullet from outside hits Traitor right in the head.

FURIOUS D

Chompy! Take the controls!

Chompy the Badger leaps to the co-pilot's seat and takes control of the chopper. But something is wrong with the controls and the chopper begins to descend in a mad tailspin.

GIGI

We're going down!

FURIOUS D

I should be so lucky.

GiGi whacks Furious D on the back of the head with a frying pan.

BLACKNESS

EXT. GRASSY FIELD --DAY

Furious D regains consciousness in a field. The chopper is a burning wreckage in the background.

FURIOUS D

Where does she keep that damn frying pan?

MARCEL (OC)

Welbum Fuvius T.

FURIOUS D

What?

Furious D turns to see Marcel, until recently the doorman at Saccharine's high class brothel, but now his face was swathed in bandages and he was aiming a pistol at Furious D.

MARCEL

Fime gumma kibb boo.

FURIOUS D

Who are you? What are you saying? Are speaking French or something?

MARCEL

I'm Marfel. Fi gant talg ryd bebuzz ob hor bajer.

FURIOUS D

Oh, you're Marcel, and you can't talk because Chompy chewed you up pretty bad. Where are my friends?

MARCEL

Dond nobe, dond kayr. Hube die.

Marcel's about to shoot when...

Furious D throws a big rock and knocks the gun out of Marcel's hand. The two begin hand to hand combat in a flurry of masterful martial arts moves.

As Furious D battles Marcel we go into another split screen showing...

CHLOE at CTU HQ filing her nails.

GIGI walking along a wooded path, a cougar sneaking up behind her. The cougar also has a gun.

PLAYFUL1 locked in a basement tied to a chair, a time bomb showing that she's only got 5 minutes before it goes off.

CHOMPY at an Denny's ordering a coffee and a grand slam breakfast. But a man with piano wire is sneaking up behind him.

THE PRESIDENT looking concerned and presidential out the window of his Oval Office. His eyes widen as he sees a small missile heading straight for him.

GASTON LAFARGE on the toilet reading a People Magazine.

LAFARGE

Oh Posh Spice, why do you fascinate me?

LaFarge realizes he's on camera.

LAFARGE

A little privacy please.

TO BE CONTINUED...