Monday, 8 March 2010

Hollywood Babble On & On #464: The Oscars Are Over, Now What?

Welcome to the show folks... Well, the Academy Awards were last night, I actually watched some of the John Hughes Tribute, but went to bed early, so I could provide the snark you all crave like the salivating dogs that you are.

Today, I'm going to look at the winners, and the losers, and offer my opinions and give them the sort of plain-spoken advice they're going to need to survive the post-Oscar afterglow. Winners are in RED, Losers in BLACK. So away we go...

Best Picture
  • “The Hurt Locker,” Kathryn Bigelow, Mark Boal, Nicolas Chartier and Greg Shapiro Congrats on the win. But remember that hardly anyone, including Academy voters, paid money to see the movie, and let's not forget the whole "stick it to Cameron" vote, that probably put you over the top. Don't let your egos get the better of you. An Oscar won't pay your bills in the way that it used to.


  • “Avatar” James Cameron Now some may take the loss as some sort of judgment on your abilities as a storyteller, but Cameron's going to continue letting his ego do the driving, claim his ex-wife won because she's a girl, and become even more insufferable.
  • “The Hurt Locker” Kathryn Bigelow Congrats on the win, and it was very clever tactical move to declare the film an anti-Iraq war statement during the voting, giving the voters an excuse to vote for you other than screwing your ex-hubby. However, the film was a box office dud, and it joins the list of just about every other film you made that have their cult followings, but no one willing to pay real money to see it in a theater. Your next project has to be able to put bums in seats, or you'll just be a footnote in Oscar trivia books.
  • “Inglourious Basterds” Quentin Tarantino Quentin, you'll always be a weirdo.
  • “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Lee Daniels Lee, if I had been able to reach you earlier, I'd have suggested that your next film be a light-hearted comedy, or a suspense thriller, something the exact opposite of Precious. Now I hear that you're doing a movie about Civil Rights movement in Selma during the 1960s. My advice, DeNiro is too old, and too "New York" to play uber-redneck opportunist George Wallace, and that casting could bite you on the butt. Also, it looks like the studios are convincing you that everything you do must be "important," and "speaks for your community." That's a trap, because the moment Hollywood can pigeonhole you, they are going to corn-hole you. I advise that as soon as you can, you try to break free from their pigeon holing, and do something they would not expect.
  • “Up in the Air” Jason Reitman, Sorry for your loss. But you've now solidified your position as a filmmaker who can deliver films on modest budgets that not only attract award nominations and critical praise, but actually make a profit. You can now play this for a position of security that few in Hollywood can enjoy. My advice, make the most of it.

Actress in a Leading Role

  • Sandra Bullock, “The Blind Side” Just keep being Sandy baby. Your appearance at the Razzies for All About Steve, shows a willingness to admit mistakes that few in Hollywood would dare consider, let alone try.
  • Gabourey Sidibe, “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” There are reports that you've been offered a part on ABC's sitcom Modern Family. Take it, because Hollywood is not going to have a clue what to do with you. You don't want to hold out for "something better" only to wind up working the counter at a burger joint, and dreaming about what could have been.

Actor in a Leading Role

  • Jeff Bridges, “Crazy Heart” They like you Jeff Bridges, they really, really, like you. A fitting reward to an actor who is not only talented, but extremely likable. I get the sense that you're slowly turning into Ben Johnson, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing you know.
  • George Clooney, “Up in the Air” Some folks noted that George didn't look all too happy during the Oscars. Possibly because Up In The Air, was his biggest non-Ocean's money-maker since 2000, and it still failed to crack the $100 million barrier needed to justify his existence as a movie star.
  • Jeremy Renner, “The Hurt Locker” Get in a movie someone will pay to see, quick, or you'll end up doing a show on the NBC network playing a cop with a sass-talking robot as a partner.
Actress in a Supporting Role
  • Mo’Nique, “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Congrats Mo'Nique on slam-dunk win, but don't let this go to your head, or you just might end playing the voice of Jeremy Renner's sass-talking robot partner on that cop show.
Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
  • “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Screenplay by Geoffrey Fletcher Congrats on the upset win, beating odds fave Reitman. Next step, do something completely different. Being typecast as a writer in Hollywood is a career death sentence, especially when you've made your name writing the sort of once in a lifetime bleak indie drama that breaks through into the mainstream.

Actor in a Supporting Role

  • Christoph Waltz, “Inglourious Basterds” You're going to be typecast as a villain for the next while. This is actually a good position for you, because you can have the best of both worlds. You can be cashing big paydays with Hollywood on one hand, and using that cachet to play more interesting roles in European cinema.

1 comment:

  1. Only thing Avatar was good for was a best special effects Oscar. They just wanted to give an award for on anti-war film that no one wants to see after too many of them crash and burned for being HORRIBLE FILMS.