Friday, 24 September 2010

Hollywood Babble On & On #599: A Time To Say Goodbye

Welcome to the show folks...

Friends, Romans, television and movie viewers, lend me your eyes.

I have come not to praise Jeff Zucker, but to bury him.

The incompetence that men do lives after them; the good is often interred with their bones.

What? You don't like me bastardizing Shakespeare?

Sheesh, try to bring a little class into this joint and you get nothing but hoots and catcalls. Well, I guess I should just press on without the literary flourish and tell you that Jeff Zucker has left behind a lot of incompetence, and for that incompetence the incoming Comcast regime at NBC-Universal served him his walking papers.

Now while I know that hearing about someone losing their job in these troubled economic times, there are two reasons you shouldn't cry about this:

1. He was really, really, really bad at running a network and movie studio combination.

2. His CEO grade "golden parachute" exit package could probably buy everyone in India a cheeseburger with all the fixings, and knowing his instinct for screwing things up big time, he might actually try that.

What was Zucker's biggest sin in my eyes?

He tried to take the viewer out of the network TV equation.

Think about it, the bulk of Zucker's many bizarre programming choices. They weren't designed to win viewers, they were designed to have a comfortable profit margin no matter what the ratings. Basically it meant that Zucker decided that having fewer viewers than Telemundo, was okay, as long as he had just enough viewers to squeeze a little profit out of advertisers.

It seemed like a good idea, sort of like performing plastic surgery on yourself to save money may seem like a good idea in theory, but in reality is a disaster. I'm looking at you Joan Rivers.

Viewers left, advertisers started to demand to pay less money for air time, and Zucker ran around claiming that ratings bursts from events like the Olympics were somehow the norm for NBC. Maybe they were the norm in Narnia, but not in the real world.

My advice to Zucker, don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out, and take up a hobby that will keep you out of the entertainment business. I suggest deep sea spear fishing.


Who is at my door?

*opens door*

Holy crap on a stick it's JEFF ZUCKER HIMSELF!!
Hi everybody. Jeff Zucker here, I know that Furious D has been a bit critical of my work at NBC-Universal, but I'd like to take a moment to express how I truly feel, through song....

Hello, I must be going.
I have to say,
I cannot stay
I must be going

Hello, I must be going
Look like Comcast
Will kick my ass
I must be going

Hello, I must be going
My career is ending
My severance I'll be spending
I must be going

Hello, I must be going
Hate to be a bother
But Furious must gripe about another
Because I'm going....
Thank you... thank you.... and goodbye.

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