Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Studio Notes For Classic Novels

Welcome to the show folks...

Ex-NBC chief Brandon Tartikoff allegedly said: "Some see the glass as half full, others see the glass as half empty. A TV executive sees the glass and asks- 'Does it have to be a glass?'"

Which got me thinking, and for shiggles I started a little game for my own amusement on my twitter. They're basically Studio Notes for Classic Literature, or #ClassicStudioNotes. Here are what I've done so far...

- To. L. Tolstoy. Re. War & Peace. The Russian names are hard to read. Think relocating story to California.

- To. HP Lovecraft. Re. Antarctic book. Do they have to be mountains of madness? Makes it sound unpleasant.

- To. G. Orwell. Re. 1984. Needs some laughs, we're bringing Bruce Vilanch to punch it up. 14 hours ago Favorite Reply Delete

- To. M. Twain. Re. Tom Sawyer. We're not wild about the dialect. Makes everybody sound like a bunch of rubes.

- To. E.A. Poe. Re. New story. We love the pendulum, but market research isn't wild about the pit.

- To. C. Dickens. Re. Great Expectations. What kind of a name is Pip? Can you call him Steve?

- To. A. Christie. Re. New novel. Does your detective character have to Belgian? Luxemburg's the next big thing.

- To. W. Shakespeare. Re. Romeo & Juliet. Great play, but needs a happy ending. Hiring Ed Devere to punch up the laughs.

- To. H. Melville. Re. Moby Dick. We find title character all over the place thematically. Needs scene where he talks.

- To. G. Orwell. Re. Animal Farm. Need you to sign off on line of plush toys. They're too cute.

- To. RL Stevenson. Re. New scary story. I don't get where this Mr. Hyde character comes from? Is he an out of towner?

- To. A. Burgess. Re. A Clockwork Orange. We think the main character would work better if he was nicer.

- To. R. Bradbury. Re. Fahrenheit 451. Does he have to burn books? Magazines make better product placement opportunities.

- To. S. Beckett. Re. New play. We think the Godot character needs to be a sexy surprise. Think Paris Hilton.

- To. E.A. Poe. Re. Latest poem. We think the raven character is repetitive and annoying. Maybe a wisecracking pigeon?

- To. R. Graves. Re. I, Claudius. Love book, but ancient Rome's isn't hot now. Consider relocating it to Jersey Shore

- To. E.A. Poe. Re. Cask of Amontillado. We think making it a cask of merlot will work better.

- To. AC Doyle. Re. Baskerville book. Does it have to be a hound? Cats are very in this year.

- To. Z. Grey. Re. Book title. Does the riders' sage have to be purple?

- To. W. Shakespeare. Re. Henry V. Does the audience have to see Henry IV to understand this?

- To. R. Chandler. Re. The Big Sleep. We think the title implies the story could be boring. Perhaps something snappier.

- To. Homer. Re. The Odyssey. All that wandering makes it come across like a travelogue.

- To. A. Christie. Re. Orient Express book. Does it have to take place on a train? Buses are cheaper.

- To. HG Wells. Re. Invisible Man. Does he have to be invisible?

- To. B. Stoker. Re. Dracula. Your title character's name sounds foreign. Can't you call him Steve?

- To. S. Pepys. Re. Diary of... Do you really need to go into such detail about every damn day?

- To. C. Dickens. Re. Tale of 2 Cities. Your book keeps going back & forth between the same places, it needs more cities

- To. J. Austen. Re. Pride & Prejudice. Title sounds like a legal tome. Try "Sex & Sexability" it's much catchier.

- To: J. Tolkien. Re: The Hobbit. I don't like a hero that's so short. Can't he be taller?

- To: HG Wells. Re: War of the Worlds. The Martians come across as too nasty. Can't one own a cute dog?

- To: D. Hammett. Re: Maltese Falcon. How can a statue be a falcon & a Maltese dog? Is it a breed of bird-dog?

- To: R.E. Howard. Re: Conan's catchphrase. Can you change "By Crom," to "By crumb?" Think Twinkies product placement.

- To: HP Lovecraft. Re: Monster's name. Cthulu sounds like a sound made while sneezing. Rename him Squidface Steve.

- To: AC Doyle. Re: Your detective's sidekick Watson. Does he have to be a Doctor? Can't he be a sass talking monkey?

- To: Jules Verne Re: The 20,000 leagues. Is it really possible for a boat to go that deep? Get back to me Julie.


  1. Ha, it's been a while, but that was a good laugh. Thanks, Furious.

    ...Squidface Steve. I'm never going to forget that one.

  2. Love these.

    BTW: does "Furious D" really work? How about we just call you Steve?

  3. I'm with Nate on the Steve issue.