Friday, 8 April 2011

Even More Studio Notes For Literary Classics

In what's becoming a semi-regular feature, I've concocted some more drippings from my brain pan in the form of the sort of notes that major studios or networks would give to literary classics. Enjoy.

To. CS Lewis. Re. Narnia books. Does Aslan have to be a lion? Penguins are cheaper & make cuter toys.

To. V. Woolf. Re. Orlando. Continuity error: You forgot your lead's a man in the middle of the book. Glad I caught it.

To. ER Burroughs. Re. Mars book. Got a great idea for a title: The Face On The Barsoom Floor. Great, isn't it?

To. J. Verne Re. Submarine book. Needs a new ending, how about they land in Miami?

To. D. Defoe. Re. Robinson Crusoe. Does Friday have to be a dude. There's a lot more story possibilities with a hot chick.

To. B. Pasternak. Re. Dr. Zhivago. Setting it in Russia puts a crimp on any sexy beach scenes. Reset it in California.

To. WP Blatty. Re. The Exorcist. Do they have to be priests? Personal trainers look better on the cover.

To. S. Jackson. Re. The Lottery. I don't see them selling many lottery tickets with such a lousy prize.

To. R. Matheson. Re. I Am Legend. The vampires don't sparkle. Real vampires sparkle.

To. HP Lovecraft. Re. New stuff. When you pitched doing a "dream cycle" I thought it was going to be about choppers.

To. J. Thompson. Re. The Killer Inside Me. If there was a dancer inside him, the story would be more uplifting.

To. J. Wambaugh. Re. The Choirboys. I'm confused, there's no singing in the entire book.

To. C. Woolrich. Re. The Bride Wore Black. Not to be a nit picker, but brides traditionally wear white.

To. J. Thompson. Re. The Grifters. Do they have to be con-artists? Would sell better if they were a teen boy band.

To. J. Heller. Re. Catch 22. I think we need to start this franchise at Catch 1 before jumping ahead to #22.

To. R. Condon. Re. Manchurian Candidate. Is Manchuria like Oz or Wonderland? Try someplace more realistic, like Malibu.

To. M. Puzo. Re. The Godfather. The whole book's a tad grim & violent. Think making it more like the "Fockers" movies.

To. P. Straub. Re. Ghost Story. We think the title is a little too "on the nose" so to speak.

To. EL Doctorow. Re. New novel. Ragtime music isn't exactly hip these days. Think retitling book "Emo."

To. FS Fitzgerald. Re. Flappers & Philosophers. Needs more flappers, fewer philosophers. Nobody likes philosophers.

To. B. Orczy. Re. Scarlet Pimpernel. First Wally Scott & now you! There are no damn pimps in this damn book!

To. Sir W. Scott. Re. Ivanhoe. The title's about a Russian pimp, but the book's about knights & stuff. Confusing.

To. A. Dumas Sr. Re. Three Musketeers. This book really needs a big ass airship chase.

To. R. Connell. Re. The Most Dangerous Game. I don't get the title, I didn't see any games, just a lotta hunting.

To. J. Steinbeck. Re. Grapes of Wrath. The Depression/Dust Bowl stuff is, well, depressing. Needs a funny talking dog.

To. H. Walpole. Re. Castle of Otranto. Italian castles are out this year. Think Malibu beach house.

To. B. Tarkington. Re. New novel. The Ambersons could be really "magnificent" if they were a family of acrobats.

To. D. Hammett. Re. New character. Is a "continental op" some sort of European gender reassignment surgery?

To. M. Cervantes. Re. Don Quixote. Continuity error: your lead is called "Don" when his name's Alonso & not Donald.

To. GG Marquez. Re. Love in the Time of Cholera. Cholera isn't exactly sexy, nymphomania sells better.

To. WS Maugham. Re. Of Human Bondage. There's no S&M in the book, we could be accused of false advertising.

To. A. Haley. Re. Autobiography of Malcolm X. We think the book will sell better with a hot blonde chick in the lead.

To. J. Joyce. Re. New novel. I think it would sell better with the title: "Portrait of a Sex Machine."

To. L. Wallace. Re. Ben-Hur. Love the story, but it's got a bit of a preachy streak. Needs a comical sidekick.

To. U. Sinclair. Re. The Jungle. The tone of the book is endangering our cross promo deal with Hormel. Lighten it up.

To. T. Wilder. Re. Our Town. This play would be sexier if your town was set in my 90210 zip code. Think about it.

To. PS Buck. Re. The Good Earth. Are you married to the idea of setting it in China? The Jersey shore is hot this year.

1 comment:

  1. With that 'Three Musketeers' one, you wound me to the quick, sir, with a reminder that they're actually doing that.