Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Hollywood Babble On & On #708: Please Elect Me Supreme Ruler

Okay people I think it's time for a change.

I think it's time for you to elect me the Supreme Ruler of the Planet. See, I already have my appropriately regal outfit picked out.

Because it's as your Supreme Ruler I will be a brutal but completely unfair tyrant who will finally bring a little common sense to the planet through savage oppression and creatively bat-shit punishments.

I will hereby ban and render punishable by catapult:

1. Any more movies about action bad-asses going to war against their own evil CIA masters for some inanely contrived reasons. It may have been clever at some point, but for the love of Cthulu, look at this ever growing list:

The A-Team
Green Zone
The Losers
The Bourne Identity
The Bourne Supremacy
The Bourne Ultimatum
Mission: Impossible 1
The Long Kiss Goodnight
and many many more....

And that's not even a complete list. Face it, when it comes to spy movies, it looks like the Bond franchise is the only one allowed to use villains who don't work for the CIA. Get another goddamn plot, find another goddamn villain, or I'll catapult you into the Hollywood sign.

2. Stupid studio notes. The history of Hollywood is riddled with inane "notes" those inane neurological farts executives like to toss at projects claiming to improve them, but really only to justify their own existence. Under my tyranny, if you're an executive and your note doesn't include anything constructive, or helpful, it's onto the catapult, and straight into the LaBrea tar pits.

3. Bad remakes. I'm talking about the sort of logic that makes Universal drop $150+ million on redoing Land of the Lost, simply because it was an old piece of shit with a familiar name. Now if someone has a very specific vision that could breath new life to an old story, then consider it. But if it's all about name recognition and digital effects, it's a one way trip on the catapult into the empty shell of a closed Blockbuster outlet.

4. Celebrities being made into cartoon characters. Sorry Stan Lee and Arnold Schwarzenegger, your grand plan to have Arnold as The Governator wearing Booster Gold's second hand cast-offs fighting second hand Go-Bots to save the environment from somebody... or something... either way, it's straight to the catapult with you for a one way trip into that billboard in Hollywood advertising that wannabe actress who looks like an octogenarian drag queen pretending to be a half-melted Barbie doll.

5. Shitty reality shows. If all you have for a concept is putting a bunch of raging narcissistic assholes together to act like a bunch of raging narcissistic assholes, then get on the catapult and prepare to be launched off the Jersey Shore and straight into the Atlantic.

6. Shady studio accounting. From now on bills will be paid, in full, and on time. Contracts will be simplified, as well as any and all other obnoxious and destructive business practices. Anyone violating this edict will be immediately catapulted off the highest point in Beverly Hills, and into Rodeo Drive.

If you have any other suggestions for my coming tyrannical rule of the planet, feel free to leave them in the comments.


  1. "hollywood advertising that wannabe actress who looks like an octogenarian drag queen pretending to be a half-melted Barbie doll."

    I think that is Angeleque or whatever, I was in LA for a week in 2001 and I wondered what the FRAK that was about. You described the picture of her exactly.

  2. Blast Hardcheese7/4/11 7:56 am

    How about the other tired cliche of the evil white corporate executive? Every time one of these dudes waddles on screen during the first act, I just know they're going to wind up being the Big Bad behind everything. Can we retire this for at least ten years?

  3. I demand to be your 2nd-in-command.

    Here's my platform.

    I will of course only wait to betray you at the moment it will most benefit the noble heroes.