Thursday, 16 June 2011

Hollywood Babble On & On #748: Dear Stan Lee


Dear Stan.

This is the sort of message that I wish was a telegram, because then I could say:
Dear Stan Lee STOP

Just heard about new project with the NHL. STOP

Please, please STOP

Of course nobody gets telegram related humor anymore. Thank you advancement of technology, but the message is still pretty much the same.

But since this is a blog post and not a telegram I better explain to the folks out there who are not Stan Lee.

I just saw a report that you talked NBC and the National Hockey League into backing a new superhero themed project based on all the NHL hockey teams.

I can definitely say that this whole scheme shows that you have a very special kind of genius. Not the sort of genius you showed in your classic collaborations with Steve Ditko and Jack Kirby back during your days at Marvel during the Silver Age.

No, this is another kind of genius entirely.

I'm talking about talking investors into putting money into hare-brained schemes that are only doomed to failure, and ignominy.

Yes, I just used the word "ignominy," that's how much my dander is up. You can look it up if you don't know what it means.

You're a legend, you literally created hundreds of great characters, and great stories during your career at Marvel. That's an impressive legacy.

Lately though, I don't know what the hell you're doing. Thankfully, boondoggles like
Stripperella have been so quickly forgotten after they disappear in puff of failure and litigation they have yet to taint your Marvel legacy.

But you can't keep getting away with that forever. People are starting to notice the cringe-worthiness of many of your recent announcements and what used to be fanboy excitement over new projects is being replaced by a sense of boredom salted with pity over the greatness that used to be.

I mean come on, THE GOVERNATOR?


Seriously, have you paid a scintilla of attention to the hundreds of failed celebrity based superhero cartoon and comic projects?

Have you paid any attention to the overwhelming impotence of Arnold's political life as well as the overwhelming randiness of his private life?

Have any of your investors?

Obviously not.

Now you're going to make superheroes based on NHL teams.

Sure, there's no way that's going to come out looking lame.

Oy gevalt, I almost choked writing that last line.

Let's look at the line up of this new superhero team and what their "powers" will most likely be:

New Jersey Devil - He's got horns poking out from among his frosted tips as well as 6 pack abs, can drink and dance all night while getting book deals despite his illiteracy. And he's got a magic hockey stick or something.

New York Islander - He's go "Manhattan Island" powers. Basically he can create traffic jams with the power of his mind. And he's got a pair of rocket skates.

New York Ranger - He can "range" things, with his magic goalie mask.

Philadelphia Flyer - Obviously he can fly while making killer cheese-steak sandwiches with his magic knee-pads.

Pittsburgh Penguin - He's got penguin power, he swim fast, waddle awkwardly over long distances, eat raw fish, and not fly. Powers he gets from his enchanted cup, and no, it's not the Stanley Cup.

Boston Bruin - He's big and hairy, and kinda looks like a bear.

Buffalo Sabre - It's a talking buffalo with a sword.

Montreal Canadien - Fights crime with poutine, cigarettes, and really tasty smoked meat sandwiches. Also has the ability to attract hot artsy chicks, and comedians.

Ottawa Senator - Can talk on and on and on about nothing. Beats criminals with the power of inducing boredom.

Toronto Maple Leaf - Has amazing Torontonian themed super powers. He believes that he is the actual center of the universe, and refuses to look at any evidence to the contrary.

Atlanta Thrasher - He can thrash. Whatever that is.

Carolina Hurricane - He has the power of wind. Power only works while outdoors, and the if the weather conditions are right.

Florida Panther - Got panther power. But not a black panther, or Marvel will sue the ass of us.

Tampa Bay Lightning - He can shoot electricity to jump-start the hearts of retirees.

Washington Capital - Same power as the Ottawa Senator, but he costs trillions of dollars more every year.

Chicago Blackhawk - Can collect pay-offs for politicians in a single bound.

Columbus Blue Jacket - He's a really snappy dresser.

Detroit Red Wing - You don't want to know what this guy does aside from making cars. Trust me, you really, really don't.

Nashville Predator - Fights crime when he isn't being caught by Chris Hansen on Dateline NBC.

St. Louis Blue - Can play any musical instrument, but only knows how to play one song.

Calgary Flame - An openly gay cowboy with a magic lasso.

Colorado Avalanche - He can make things fall over. A lot.

Edmonton Oiler - He is the master of lubrication. Calgary is always asking him for help.

Minnesota Wild - His power is to get wildly angry after shoveling his driveway for the fifth time in one winter's day.

Vancouver Canucks - Can riot like a bastard when he's not growing bitching marijuana.

Anaheim Duck - Water just goes off this guy's back like.... well... gee, I don't know how to describe it.

Dallas Star - Failed Walker: Texas Ranger impersonator.

Los Angeles King - It's basically Charlie Sheen in a crown, annoying criminals into surrendering with his persistent cries of "Winning!"

Phoenix Coyote - He roots through criminals garbage and attacks their pets and small children.

San Jose Shark - He has to be constantly moving forward or he'll suffocate. Also tends to eat people.

Okay, that bit was more parody than reportage, but I don't see my ideas being much worse than anything you can come up with using this material.

I know that you don't want to be an old fart sitting on a pile of past glories. But that's certainly looks a hell of a lot better than some of the shit you've producing lately. If Jack Kirby's ghost was remotely corporeal, he'd headbutt you right now.

Step back from the creative abyss before it swallows you and your legacy whole.


1 comment:

  1. I think I heard of this NHL project awhile back. Even then it sounded stupid. Will the Avalance be tortured over the memory of it's past as a Quebec Nordique?

    I wonder if Stan Lee just comes up with these projects just to see how many more money than what they know what to do with investors are going to throw money at it.