Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Hollywood Babble On & On #767: Superheroically Stupid Idea

The Cartoon Network is going to produce a live action movie version of the 90s eco-kitsch cartoon Captain Planet & The Planeteers.


One theory is that
Li'l Abner was already spoken for.

The other, more rational theory, is that it's all a combination of rich man's guilt and what I call the "Revenant of Relevance."

If you're not familiar with the background the Captain Planet cartoon was created by billionaire broadcaster Ted Turner and some poor bastard writer who probably had to do most of the work putting it all together. The premise was simple, Gaia, Goddess of the Earth, decided that polluters had been having their way with her a little too often, so she decided to put the fate of the world in the hands of some teenagers. These plucky young neo-pagans were given magic rings representing Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, & Heart, and the mission to use those rings to fight evil mutated polluters who were compelled to despoil the Earth for reasons that only made sense to them and the creators of the show.

Naturally, the kids would screw up and get in over their head. But not to worry, they could then combine their powers to summon Captain Planet. The good Captain sported a superhuman green mullet and would save the day from the polluters, unless one of the villains possessed his one weakness, which was ... pollution.

Sort of like sending Superman into a Kryptonite mine every day, but logic was never the show's strong suit.

What was the show's strong suit was making celebrities feel better about themselves and their lavish lifestyles. You see by spreading "awareness" of the environment, celebrities felt that they had done their penance and were free to parade themselves and their entourages around in flotillas of gas guzzling SUVs from their private jets to their multiple mansions with more square footage than sense, all with power chugging air conditioning running 24/7 whether they need it or not. In my experience, the louder the celeb is about the environment, the more hypocritical they tend to be. I think Ed Begley Jr. is the only the one I know of who actually walks the walk, but I digress.

Need proof? Just check out the cast lists, which included Whoopi Goldblum, Jeff Goldblum, Meg Ryan and lots of other actors who had actual viable movie careers in the 1990s. Of course once all the initial hype died down, most of the celebrities left the show, and it was renamed and recast with cheaper, no-name actors.

While I was a little old for the show, most who were kids at the time thought of the show as a preachy self-righteous joke, and I suspect that the only reason it ran so long on the Turner Broadcasting System was because Ted Turner, the channel's then owner, was credited as co-creator.

So why revive it?

Partially because of the aforementioned penance, but then there's the pretense of relevance.

Citizens of the Axis of Ego think that because they pretend to obsess about the environment from the comfort of their Malibu beach houses, and everyone around them does nothing but agree with them, then everyone must obsess about the environment as much as they pretend to, and would love to spend their money to be lectured about it by a guy with a green mullet. Then they think of the Captain Planet toys and related merchandise they can sell to kids eager to show off their green bona fides. Sure, they'll be manufactured in coal-powered factories in China using toxic chemicals, but, as with everything when comes to Hollywood & the environment, it's the thought that counts.

I suspect that the whole thing will fizzle out in development. If Green Lantern, the world's 25th most popular superhero can't sell a movie, I don't think Captain Planet will.


  1. Ho. Lee. Crap.

    Where does one begin?

    Captain Planet was a joke back when it was on the air.

    And, if I recall correctly, that was back when Global Cooling was going to kill us all.

    Now it's Climate Change, formally Global Warming, formally Global Cooling, formally The Weather.

    And they're bringing this idiot back?


  2. I cannot even take these hollywood ecofreaks seriously anymore. It is all about feel good activism who cares if it is a half-assed measure long as it makes you feel good and gets good publicity.

    Even when Disney has the friends for change stuff. They do one good ideas
    but also teach some bad stuff.

    1. Not all recycling is equal.

    paper recycling paper is not saving some forest. paper comes from the sawdust and shavings that come from farmed trees cut for there more profit viable lumber.

    Paper s to the lumber industry to what Hot Dogs are to the meat industry.

    Plastic only good about recycling plastic is to keep it out of the ocean.

    METAL s the only material that when recycled has a positive environmental impact.

    The original cartoon was filled with stupid.

  3. If this leads to another snark fest by the High Priest of Jabootu (here's the first one), it will have all been worth it.

  4. I for one welcome our new insect overlords.

    Captain Planet cracked me up big-time on the all-too-few occasions I saw it, and if the new movie gives me a chance to buy little plastic toys of Verminous Skumm and Duke Nukem I can only approve.

    Also I want to put in my bid for a long slow shower scene for Dr. Blight, the woman with a supposedly perfect body, and probably involving polluted water.

  5. I predict that this live action capt planet will be laughed out of the theatres and it will be in 3D.

  6. Spurwing Plover6/4/16 8:39 pm

    A blue skinnend freako and a vegan wank and a pagan wank and what we dont need is some crappy movie about this leftists propegandists created by Red Ted turner