Thursday, 1 September 2011

Hollywood Babble On & On #795: George VS George VS The World

Well, it looks like the open letter to George Lucas that I posted yesterday got quite a response. Not only from readers, but from George Lucas himself, and by that I mean both of them.

"Both of them?" you're asking yourself in a feeble attempt to understand.

Yes, both of them.

Thanks to my combined degrees in mad science and black magic from the DeVry Institute I have made contact not only with George Lucas, but with George Lucas circa 1988.

You see back in 1988 George Lucas testified before congress about people changing around movies, and guess what, HE WAS AGAINST IT!

So, I opened a few spatial temporal gateways and brought them together in my basement laboratory/rec room for:

FURIOUS D: I'd like to thank everyone for coming. 1988 George I'd like to turn to you for an opening statement.

1988 GEORGE: Thank you. I'm here to tell you that a film is like any work of art. While it may legally and physically belong to the holder of the copyright, in essence it belongs to the public, the fans. People who change around works of art either to make money, or to exercise power are barbarians!

2011 GEORGE: George you are an ass. There is no either/or question behind me constantly fiddling with the original trilogy. I do it to make money and to show the world that I'm a great big swinging dick.

1988 GEORGE: I can't believe you're talking like that. Our films captured the hearts of a generation, while I can understand a desire to polish up the special effects and make sure the picture quality was at its best, but you're redoing whole scenes, adding dialogue, and slapping back in stuff that was best left out.

2011 GEORGE: I'm making it better!

1988 GEORGE: How!

2011 GEORGE: By getting it to make me more money while I make myself feel that I'm somehow still relevant! If I just put out the original movies in their unaltered form, most of the hard-core first generation fans would probably buy that and only that because they have fond memories of the magical time they first saw it and other nonsense like that. It's not like I can just put out a version of prequel trilogy where Anakin Skywalker isn't a whiny little snot-nosed emo-bitch. Computer technology can't erase whiny snot-nosed emo-bitchiness yet, and I doubt it will ever be able to in my lifetime.

FURIOUS D: May I interject?

1988 GEORGE: Knock yourself out kid. I'd love to hear from the fans.

FURIOUS D: There's a scene in the movie Six Degrees Of Separation where a pompous Manhattan art dealer, played by the effervescent Donald Sutherland, says that the best works of abstract impressionist art he ever saw was in a kindergarten art class. He asks the teacher how she was able to get such mini-masterpieces out of small paste eating children, some of them were even gingers. Her answer: She knows when the picture's finished, even when the kids don't.

2011 GEORGE: You are so full of shit.

1988 GEORGE: Come on, give him a break. He was a huge fan, and it was Star Wars that go him interested in movies in the first place.

FURIOUS D: Thanks 1988 George.

1988 GEORGE: It's not his fault that he's not as rich and successful as we are, and lives in comparative poverty and obscurity.

FURIOUS D: Okay you can stop defending me now.

2011 GEORGE: I don't need to be lectured by this punk. I'm the big man, the Alpha Dog, no one dares say no George Fucking Lucas!

1988 GEORGE: Do I really end up like that?

FURIOUS D: Sadly, but he's not completely without merit. In fact, I think he's just told us the root of his problem without even knowing it.

1988 GEORGE: What do you mean?

FURIOUS D: Look at yourself at the time I plucked you from with my time machine. You had a lot of success, especially with the Star Wars and Indiana Jones movies, but you were still reeling from the failure of Howard The Duck, which was a serious setback to you in many ways.

1988 GEORGE: It was a swift kick in gonads.

FURIOUS D: You were humbled, and still possessed with a love of film. Now look at 2011 George...

2011 GEORGE: Now you're trying to psychoanalyze me?

FURIOUS D: He's rich, and powerful, but not as much from films as you'd think. The bulk of his success comes from selling franchise related merchandise to fans, and special effects to the major movie studios who are constantly trying to copy his success without the heart and soul that made people care about the original trilogy. His last attempt to produce a non-franchise movie The Radioland Movies Murders crashed and burned, and he's seen people bitch and complain about his the Star Wars prequel trilogy and Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of The Numb Crystal Skull, while still giving him hundreds of millions of dollars of their hard earned money. It's no wonder that he's lost all respect for film, fans of film, and his own talent. He can't help but think that his only future is trying to find new ways to cash in on his legacy, by tossing out shit, expecting people to call it ice cream by buying it and then complaining about it later, and there's no one in his inner circle brave enough to tell him he's on the wrong track, and/or he's too isolated to listen to such voices. Dissent is necessary when creating art, it's called "editing."

1988 GEORGE: Wow, that's deep for dime store psychoanalysis.

FURIOUS D: I have some training in that field. I read the blurb on the back of a Dr. Phil diet book someone gave me for Christmas. Well, I read what I could through the bloodstains, because who the hell gives someone a diet book as a Christmas present?

2011 GEORGE: Look, I'm going home to roll around a pile of money. You losers can just have your little circle jerk without me.

1988 GEORGE: Don't be like that.

2011 GEORGE: I'm sick and tired of your attitude. You are so fired!

1988 GEORGE: You can't fire me, I'm you!

2011 GEORGE: Yes I can, I'm older, I have seniority.


1988 GEORGE: Well, he's got me there.

FURIOUS D: I guess I better get back to violating the laws of physics to get you back to your original time. So I'd like to ask my readers to post what they think of this little exchange in the comments.


  1. Robert the Wise1/9/11 8:43 pm


    I hate to say this but you're not as funny as you are smart.

    Whenever you try to write a funny dialogue scene like this, it's always terrible.

    I'd hire you to run a studio but not to write comedy. Or satire. Or whatever you tried to do in this "George vs. George" post.

    Keep writing. I'll keep reading.

  2. Two questions, one related and one somewhat related!

    1. What's The Radioland Movies? Another name for the upcoming Red Tails?
    2. Kevin Smith (who is once again being bribed by Lucasfilm) says Red State has already broken even with his "revolutionary" distribution system. He has suggested he may use it on others' films. Can that work without lowering the ticket prices or having Smith attend every showing to blab?

  3. 1. That's a typo, it's supposed to be called Radioland Murders. That was a big budget comedy that Lucas produced and really fought for. It bombed horrendously, and was literally forgotten minutes after its release. Lucas pretty much gave up on any and all non-Star Wars/Indiana Jones projects until most recently.

    2. I doubt it could work all the time, the road show model needs extra gimmicks like live appearances and such in order to work, and if you use the same gimmick too often, the novelty loses its appeal. Also, while it's within the realm of possibility that he broke even, I can't help but be a little suspicious of the claims of anyone from Hollywood concerning profit and loss.

  4. Actually, I thought this was pretty funny. Now, can we hear 2008Obama debate 2011 Obama? If you can go back to 1988, 2008 should be no problem.