Hollywood Babble On & On #345: Random Rants

1. BATTLESTAR WTF?

Okay, I hereby declared that I can no longer be shocked by Hollywood's seemingly endless appetite for remakes. There's a report that director Bryan Singer of The Usual Suspects, and X-Men 1-2, might be helming a big screen reboot of Battlestar Galactica.

You remember Battlestar Galactica, don't you? It was a popular series on the recently rebranded SyFy channel until they retired the show THIS PAST MARCH.

We're talking about a big screen reboot of a recently retired TV reboot of a sci-fi TV reboot of the Book of Exodus.

Universal has just officially entered Chapter 11 of Creative Bankruptcy. They show isn't even over 6 months, and they're already doing a reboot.

I think Universal should seriously reconsider the continuing employment of their top management, because it's gone beyond spending too much money for too little reward, to transforming the studio into an endless repetitive loop of never-ending remakes.

When I'm supreme ruler of the world I will place a moratorium on any and all remakes, reboots, and re-imaginings of material less than 20 years old, under penalty of catapult!

2. CHERNIN POACHES FROM APATOW

Judd Apatow's producing partner Nicholas Weinstock has been recruited by former Fox honcho Peter Chernin's new production company to head up comedy development.

If the comments by the fairly knowledgeable readers at Nikki Finke's blog are anything to go by, he's thought of pretty highly by a lot of people. So I wish him luck and many happy movies and shows in the future.

With Universal cursed like it broke into the mummy's tomb and groped the mummy, Apatow may be following his former partner over to greener pastures.

3. THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING AGENCY

The William Morris Endeavor Agency is purging after the binge of the merger, with even more layoffs at the storied agency, and the possible closing, or at minimum, drastic reduction, of its Miami office.

If this keeps up, the next round of layoffs after this one will include the letter "W" leaving the agency known only as "ME." Which will be fairly accurate, because by that time the firm will consist of one agent, his assistant, known only as "Hey, You!" and a janitor named Sal whose job consists of emptying the tear stained tissues from the assistant's waste-basket.

Hollywood Babble On & On #344: A Few Miscellaneous Movie Musings

1. LEGGO MY LEGO MOVIE

Warner Bros. has signed a deal to make a movie based on Lego.

Yes, those little plastic building blocks that you never really had enough of to build the fortress where your Star Wars & Buck Rogers action figures could do battle with your Star Trek & GI Joe action figure, are going to be made into a feature film.

When will the madness stop.

Yes, the Transformers movies made a shit-load of money, GI Joe had a good opening weekend, and Hollywood execs pee their pants at the mere mention of an original property, but it's gone beyond hitting rock bottom, it's going to start hitting Morlocks any minute.

I mean we're talking about goddamn toy blocks.

Will it be followed by a Disney Duplo blocks movie for the little kids?

Damn it, grow a pair and remember that people like stories, not toys, this is just a fad based on nostalgia, but these development deals have now flogged that horse to death, so stop it.

2. GLENGARRY GLEN ATTIC

Disney has reportedly signed on playwright/filmmaker/producer/shit disturber David Mamet to adapt a new version of The Diary of Anne Frank.

Now I'm a wee bit uncertain about this. My unease comes from a scene where Alec Baldwin lectures the family that the quietest member of the family wins a Cadillac, the second quietest gets a set of steak knives, and the third quietest gets tossed to the Nazis.

Here's an exclusive photo from the production:
I'm pretty sure this last joke has offended some people, while some others just scratch their heads and furrow their brows in a desperate attempt to understand.

Then my work today is done.

Hollywood Babble On & On #343: The Day The (Movie) Music Died

It's seems sort of fitting that I should see a report on the death of the movie soundtrack album so soon after the death of writer/director John Hughes.

Hughes was the master of the movie soundtrack, especially when it came to selecting songs that would both appeal to his young audience, and perfectly fit the mise-en-scene* of the movie.

Those soundtrack albums (yes they were albums back then) sold big too. The Breakfast Club soundtrack was practically mandatory for folks of my generation.

Sadly, it seems that movie soundtracks aren't really selling these days. Some blame changes in buying habits, but I personally blame what I just found out was iTunes policy. When you go to buy a song from a soundtrack, you can't, because most of the songs on said soundtrack are locked, so that you can only get them if you buy the whole album.

Man, I thought it was the record label's policy, because I thought iTunes was smarter than that.

Maybe it's the combination of stubbornness and parsimony in my mostly Scottish DNA, but when I see that I can't buy the song I want without buying the whole album, my first thought is "fuck you, now I'm not even going to give them one red cent for that." Though it comes out with more of an enraged brogue, and for some reason my hair turns red at those moments, sort of like the Hulk, only I use the word "Och" more.

Anyway, it's a stupid policy in my opinion. Because I'm a grazer, I usually pick up a couple of songs, at first, then I go and splurge on the rest of the album if I like what I hear. However, block me from grazing, I'll just move onto a new field. Especially if the songs are available on another album.

Another thing that bugs me is that you'll hear a bitching song on the trailer, but it's not on the soundtrack. That pisses me off. The studio's already paid to use it, why not make it available as an extra "trailer track." I'm sure the artists would like people to buy their music in a convenient and affordable way.

Also, something could be done about the quality of the music in movies these days.** Why in my day... Damn, I'm starting to sound like my Dad. Only I'm right, aren't I?

* Film school nerd alert.

**Gen-X becoming Old Coot Alert

Hollywood Babble On & On #342: $50 Million? Beat It!

I hate writing about Michael Jackson, again, but word has come down from on high that Sony/Columbia will have the rights to the 100 hours of rehearsal footage, music videos, and backstage shenanigans, for something in the neighbourhood of $50 million.

Now, is it just me, or is anyone else getting the feeling that $50 million has just been pissed away into oblivion?

Here's why I think that way:

1. This is not concert footage. It's footage of rehearsals, auditions, and other pre-show paraphernalia. Plus reports from those rehearsals say that Jackson was badly missing the energy and drive he had during his peak as an entertainer. Even if it was a concert film, they don't really make all that much money, unless they involve some Disney pop-tards, and have legions of tweens who would gladly spend all their parents money to see Miley Cyrus wash the dishes in 3D.

2. $50 million is just the beginning. A lot of work has to be done to get that 100 hours into some coherent shape. That costs money, lots of money. Editors, sound mixers, and special effects technicians, etc., etc., don't come free you know. And that's not counting the marketing, distribution, and other ancillary costs (like the lawsuits that Jackson attracted like flies to shit) to get it into theatres. I can see this hitting over $100 million in costs before its premiere.

3. I don't think the audience is there. To break even, this film would have to make something between $100 million +, which is a bit of a stretch, at least domestically. Remember the predictions that millions would flood the streets outside the memorial service? They never did make it, did they? Plus those remaining hardcore fans, may not want to have their illusion of him as a little boy shattered by the skeletal, surgically scarred, drug addled shadow he became before his death. There might be some foreign interest, but I doubt that it could match the immense interest held by the media.

Anyway, that what I think.

Hollywood Babble On & On #341: A Few Quick Thoughts...

1. THE DAY AFTRA TOMORROW

Nikki Finke has a list of the things the union AFTRA are not doing for their members. I looked over the list, and wondered what AFTRA is doing, outside of being troublesome to the Screen Actors Guild.

I mean running a union is a fairly straightforward enterprise. At least it should be. You have to try to get a fair deal for your membership, while expanding the ranks of that membership, and maintaining whatever services promised to that membership that induced them to join.

So far AFTRA, who recently re-elected their leadership, is accused of not doing anything to save the Motion Picture Fund's long term and intensive care facilities, of allowing the networks to fiddle soap operas (which employ many AFTRA members) into oblivion, replacing them with cheaper talk shows, and some rather bizarre behaviour when it comes to dealing with SAG.

According to Miss Finke's report, an important AFTRA official started making comparisons between the leadership of SAG and segregationists, and possibly trying to make this into some sort of racial issue. Now I'm no demographics expert, but I seriously doubt there is any real difference in the racial make-up of either union, and you have to remember that these are actors we're talking about, the most touchy feely sensitive hug everyone bunch ever seen in the history of civilization. Hardly a hotbed of racial intolerance.

Which begs the question: What exactly is the AFTRA leadership doing to justify not only the continued employment of their leadership, but the very existence of their union?

2. I'LL BELIEVE IT WHEN I SEE IT.

The Financial Times is reporting on a federal investigation into allegations of bribery and corruption between some American movie producers and officials in Thailand over control of a Bangkok based film festival.

Now some are crowing that this may mark the beginning of the end of Hollywood's shady accounting practices that have put the industry in the state where it can simultaneously claim billions in profits, and billions in losses.

Well, as the sub-title says, I'll believe it when I see it.

I think this will probably turn into an isolated case with the politics of convenience rather than justice being the guiding light behind it.

However, there is a way it could turn into the beginning of something major.

Right now Hollywood and the ruling Democratic Party, which has the White House and majorities in both houses of congress, are two peas in a pod. There's no way to deny it, they even got an ex-comedian elected to the Senate as a Democrat.

But this could all change in an instant.

Right now the Democrats are facing increasing criticism from media figures, and common citizens over recent policy decisions. Their poll numbers are dropping, and the 2010 mid-term congressional elections are no longer the shoo-in they thought it would be just a few months ago.

If things get too hairy for the Democrats, especially with Republicans pushing the message that they are "Hollywood's Party," they may decide to sacrifice their Hollywood allies on the altar of politics and opportunistic class warfare. There's been a lot of rhetoric about "sticking it to the rich" coming from Washington lately and you don't get much richer than Hollywood, with the added attention getter of decadent overpaid celebrities living lives that both disgust and titillate the voters of flyover country.

Imagine the ratings the congressional hearings would reap. They'd be so big, the major media companies couldn't refuse airing them, even when they're the ones being investigated. It would be Kefauver and HUAC with more sex and bigger money.

But that's only if they get desperate enough to pull the trigger on some of their staunchest backers, so it's a story that has yet to be written.

Saturday Silliness Cinema: More MST3K

Here's another piece from Mystery Science Theatre 3000. Enjoy, and I'll be getting back to ranting about business as soon as possible.

THE CASE OF THE HELD UP HORNET

It was a sad day at the office, I had spent the time watching old John Hughes films, and crying into my Wild Turkey. Then the Wild Turkey, whose name was Eric, got pissed off about being cried on and left about halfway through Pretty In Pink.

I was just at the scene where the teacher was intoning "Beuller...? Beuller...?" when there was a knock on my door. I clicked off the DVD player, dried my tears, and made myself presentable. I had business to take care.

Because I'm Furious D, and I'm a dick.

"Come in," I said. The door swung open and there was no one there.

"Hello?"

"Sorry," said a stentorian voice out of nowhere. Then a body flickered into view. He was a tall fellow, dressed entirely in green. Green suit, green hat, and even a green mask.

"You're the Green Hornet," I said.

"Yeah," he said, "I started out as a radio show, now I'm a TV show."

"Well," I said, "come in, have a seat, and tell me what's your problem."

The Green Hornet sat down across from my desk and turned into a comic book.

"What?" I said.

"Sorry," said the Green Hornet. "I never really lasted long as a TV show."

"Okay," I said, remembering that this was one of those pretentious meta-fiction pieces written by some smug know-it-all twat. "What's your problem?"

"It's big," he said, "feature film big."

"Yeah," I said, "I heard the announcement about a Green Hornet movie."

"There's been a lot of announcements," replied The Green Hornet, who morphed into a grainy black and white movie serial. "And I mean a lot of announcements. This projects been passed around like a doobie at a pot party."

"What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to find out why," said the Green Hornet. "As long as they keep making these announcements, changing Katos on a weekly basis, and putting the project off, I'm stuck in development purgatory, and can't go to the old characters home."

"There's a home for you old characters?"

"It's great," said the Green Hornet, "it's outside Scottsdale Arizona. I was shacked up with Patricia Savage from the Doc Savage books, but now I stuck here."

"Pat Savage?" I said incredulously.

"The chicks dig me," he said, "but if I don't find a way out, my great-uncle the Lone Ranger is going to start moving in on my turf."

"I thought you couldn't admit that he's a relative?"

"Just take my case," pleaded the Green Hornet, now back to being just a voice in the ether.

"Why me?"

"Because you're the biggest dick in Hollywood," said the Green Hornet, "plus you owe me for calling your car the Brown Hornet."

"All right," I said, "I'll take the case."

I then flipped open the head of my bust of Shakespeare and pressed a big red button. A hidden panel opened revealing two fireman's poles.

"Now you're ripping off the Batman show," said the Green Hornet. "I see one pole labeled 'D', but who uses the other pole?"

"That's for my trusted sidekick," I answered, "Oh sidekick, we have a case!"

"Gobble gobble."

"Not you Eric," I said, "I need my trusted secretary, sexpot, and all around butt kicking babe, Gladiola Hassenfeffer."

A door opened and in walked Gladiola Hassenfeffer, the deadliest and sexiest secretary in town.

"We got a case," I said tossing her the keys to the Brown Hornet. "But you have to drive."

"Why?" she asked.

"I got busted driving under the influence of Wild Turkey," I answered.

"Why you ever take directions from Eric, I'll never know."

"To the D-Cave!" I cried as we leaped onto our poles and slid down to the D-Cave.

#

When I regained consciousness, I came to two conclusions. First, sliding down a greased pole is not a good idea when your office is 25 stories above your secret lair. Second, if you do that changing costume trick when you're sliding down the pole, make sure you are on the right pole.

"That catsuit really doesn't suit you," said Gladiola from the depths of my natty suit.

"My crotch is aching, and my ass looks huge," I said, "it's prom night all over again."

"Let's switch and get this case solved," said Gladiola.

#

When I regained consciousness, I came to two important conclusions. First, tight clothes can affect blood flow to the brain. Second, Gladiola Hassenfeffer was driving under the influence of Wild Turkey, and I'm not talking about Eric.

"Why didn't you tell me you were drunk?"

"The subject never came up," she said, taking another slug of bourbon. "Look," she said, "I got us here in record time."

She also got us there with a record number of police in hot pursuit. I was wondering how I could get out of the car, when it hit me.

The windshield that is.

What also hit me, was that when Gladiola put me in the Brown Hornet, she forgot to put on my seat belt.

#

When I regained consciousness, I wondered if all these head injuries were going to affect my brain in the long run.... aluminum... cheese.... monkey.... sfhg;faghfldghjklghsdjkl....

Where was I?

Oh yeah, I was in the offices of Columbia Pictures. I dusted the glass off my suit, and matching bowler hat, and ignored the cries of Gladiola being dragged out of the wreckage of the Brown Hornet by the LAPD. She was screaming her head off about "whitey" keeping her down, but I couldn't help her. When I'm on the clock as a dick, I can only go forward.

Plus all the head injuries meant I honestly couldn't remember who she was.

Anyhoo. I went up to the receptionist, skipped the usual gag about the receptionist having a naughty name and was directed to the office of Sid O. Sidney, the man in charge of the Green Hornet movie.

I knocked on his door.

"Go away," said Sid from inside, "we got a new Kato, aren't you happy. Quit asking me questions!"

I kicked open the door, mostly because I couldn't remember how to use the knob...and stormed in.

"I got questions," I said as I grabbed Sid O. Sidney by the scruff of his neck, "and you're going to spill the beans!"

"What?"

"Sing like a canary!"

"Whuh?"

"You're going to drop the dime on what's going on here," I said.

"I still don't get you?"

"What do you mean," I asked. "It's perfectly acceptable PI style banter."

"You're supposed to be a PI?"

"Just tell me what's going on with this Green Hornet movie."

Sid O. Sidney shrugged.

"Oy," said Sid, "I was worried that it was going to come to this. You see, everything these days are superhero shows and remakes."

"Yeah," I said, "go on."

"Only we don't own many superheros," said Sid, "but we do own the Green Hornet. So we go around announcing that we've got this blockbuster coming down any minute... but then we push it back a little more. We change directors, we get a new Kato. Whatever it takes."

"Why?"

"Who really remembers the Green Hornet?" asked Sid. "He's not Superman, or Spider-Man, or Batman. He's just a guy dressed up for St. Patty's day who goes out and beats people up with his butler. His TV show never really lasted, and the comic books were pretty minor, and even his radio show is so far back in the past, it ain't even worth considering. If we actually make this movie, especially with the budget everyone's expecting we'll lose our shirts."

"So why keep announcing that it's coming," I asked, "since you've been doing it since the 1990s?"

"I gotta at least look like I'm doing something," said Sid. "Plus, I had a bet with Judd Apatow that I could make Seth Rogen lose weight. I won $50."

"Good for you," I said as I let him go. I had my answers, now it was time to bail out Gladiola, get her back into rehab, bill it to my client, and declare....

...CASE CLOSED

John Hughes RIP

If you went through your teen years in the 1980s then you would know the name of John Hughes. He was the filmmaker that pretty much defined teen life at that time, and he passed away this morning from a heart attack at age 59.

He started out as a copy-writer for an ad agency, and branched out into writing jokes for stand up comedians like Rodney Dangerfield, and eventually wrote for National Lampoon magazine, where he wrote the disastrous Class Reunion, and the mega-successful Vacation. And while he made mega bucks from writing and producing kid family comedies like Home Alone, he will be best remembered, at by my generation, for his teen films.

Most teen comedies of the 1980s were really just cheap excuses for Phoebe Cates, or her imitators, to take their tops off. I'm not complaining about that, but most of those films were ultimately forgettable. With Hughes' film, his teens were treated as people, not excuses for cheap gags, they had feelings, pasts and futures beyond the film's immediate storyline, and he could make you care about them.

Sure, his films were set in an upscale suburb that seemed a rich fantasy-land to many, but that was part of their appeal. The lack of greater social ills hanging over these stories made them center on the characters and their problems, and not be a lecture about urban poverty, or the complications of modern sexual politics.

Even though he hasn't made a film in a long time, he will still be missed.

Class dismissed.

Budd Schulberg RIP

Budd Schulberg, screenwriter, sports journalist, novelist, and member of the first generation of Hollywood royalty, passed away this week at the age of 95.

His father was BP Schulberg, then president of Paramount, and his uncle was Sam Jaffe, one of the industry's first power-agents, so he was literally born into the industry. With movies in his blood he started out as a screenwriter.

His screenwriting credits included an Oscar for On The Waterfront, and the media satire/allegory A Face In The Crowd. As a novelist he was most famous for What Makes Sammy Run, a scathing tale of a Hollywood's dog-eat-dog treachery.

He also served in the Navy during WW2, and was recruited into John Ford's OSS Documentary unit, chronicling the liberation of the Nazi death camps by US Forces, investigating war crimes, and personally arresting German propagandist Leni Riefenstahl.

I'd like to offer my condolences to his friends and family. He was a major groundbreaker, and his contribution to modern popular culture will live on.

Hollywood Babble On & On #341: Is Marvel As Marvelous As It Could Be?

Despite not having a movie version of one of its comics out this quarter, Marvel Comics beat Wall Street's expectations despite a dip in revenue.

Now it's all well and good for Marvel, I like to see people do well, but I have a quibble.

My quibble is with the reports that say that the sales of comic books, the root of the entire business are flat. They haven't gone down, and that's not bad, but they haven't gone up either, which is not good.

It shows a certain type of malaise that has infected the comic book industry, especially the top two publishers Marvel and DC Comics. They appear to have lost sight of their core business.

If you were to ask those in the executive suites they would tell you that their core business is to license movies, TV shows, and merchandise from the characters and stories that they have in their stable.

And while that is an important part, it isn't the heart of the business. It's more like a pair of legs, if used correctly, they can get you where you need to go. But it is not the heart.

The heart of the business is the constant creation of new creative material, and to make that all important connection between that material and as big an audience as you can get.

The way the business is run is extremely schizophrenic. They treat the movies, toys, TV shows, video games, and other licensed products as a mass market product, but they derive the source material for these mass market products from a product that is managed like a niche market.

It might be all well and good for now, but what about the future?

What will these companies do when comic sales die down to nothing, which I fear is inevitable, and that interest can't be translated and expanded to the mass market?

They're obviously not thinking about that, because it's years, maybe even a couple of decades away, and won't affect their quarterly bonus.

The bulk of comic book readers these days are now in their 30s, and their children don't appear to be getting into the medium, outside of some demos dipping into manga. It wasn't always like this, comic books used to sell in the millions each month, with the top titles selling in the hundreds of thousands, now they consider it a blockbuster smash if one magazine sells more than 75,000 copies in a month.

That's not healthy.

Right now all the big two seem to care about is that fanboy core who will give the movies a big opening weekend, forgetting that this core is aging, and mortal, and their children will probably not care about those movies when they grow up, because they couldn't get into the books.

There are some reasons people find it hard to get into comics:

1. SALES & DISTRIBUTION: There was a time when you could get comics in every corner store in the country. All you had to do was go to the spinner rack, pick you faves, and you were set until the next batch came out. Nowadays you either order it online, which only really works if you already know what you want, there's very little of the "gee, that looks interesting" kind of discovery unless it's somehow directly related to what you've already bought in a way that a computer can understand. Or, you can go down to your local comics emporium, which isn't exactly convenient for a lot of people who don't live near one. It's not like the collector boom of the 1990s, where everyone and their brother was opening their own store. They're getting pretty rare. The closest one to my home is a 3 hour one way drive away.

The convenience stores and other outlets don't like carrying comics, because the profit margins on them are so small. Which strikes me as funny, because when I was a kid, and comics were 45 cents, we would all walk down to the store when the new ones would arrive, buy the comic, a bottle of Coke, and a bar. So it's not like people would just buy the books, of course, back then you could get all that and more with just a $2 bill. Not likely these days. But I'm not a retailer, so I can't judge them, I'm sure they have their reasons.

2. CONTINUITY & CHARACTER ABUSE: People who are either new to the medium, or dropped out and want back in, find it hard to get into these days. Many popular characters have up to 60+ years of backstory, also known as continuity, behind them. So new readers find themselves bemused, baffled and bewildered by constant references to things they have never heard of. And then come the retcons to try to fix this, which usually only make things even more convoluted.

Another problem is that when a character becomes popular, that character is milked beyond any sense of logic or any mortal's ability to preserve that precious continuity. Marvel has Wolverine in well over a dozen titles at any given moment, which makes it impossible to maintain any sort of coherent narrative to his story, or the stories of the other characters he cohabits the universe with, because the company thinks the fanboys are willing and able to buy anything that's got retractable claws and a bad-ass attitude.

Something must be done to break this cycle. I don't know what could be done, because any attempt to reform the industry sparks near on-line riots between the pro and con sets, which makes the company try to please everyone, but in the end really serves no one.

Do you have any ideas to get people reading comics again?