Tuesday 17 June 2008

Hollywood Babble On & On #116: As The Stomach Turns-- Meanwhile in Rome

FADE IN:

EXT. ST. PETER'S CATHEDRAL -- DAY

Establishing shot of St. Peter's Cathedral.
NARRATOR
Welcome back to As the Stomach Turns... In our last episode poor Essay Gee was about to get her noggin flogged by Amy P. Teepee, and we're not going to tell you what happened next. Instead we're joining movie producer Sam Slick in Rome where he has a special audience with the Pope.
INT. PAPAL MEETING ROOM -- DAY

SAM SLICK a well dressed movie producer with fashionably messy hair is standing in front of THE POPE who is sitting on his papal throne.

SAM SLICK
Our request is simple we would like to shoot some scenes from our movie in some of your churches.

THE POPE
And what kind of movie are you shooting?

SAM SLICK
It's a big budget film, strictly "A-list" all the way.

THE POPE
You still haven't answered my question.

SAM SLICK
It's a prequel to "The DaVinci Code."
The Pope does not seem impressed.
THE POPE
Really?

SAM SLICK
Yes. It's a big movie, we got Ron Howard directing and Tom Hanks in it.

THE POPE
I did enjoy "Splash."

SAM SLICK
Then you'll love this movie. It's got action, adventure, and romance.

THE POPE
Let me think about it. Hmmmmm.... no.

SAM SLICK
Why not your Holiness?

THE POPE
Gee, let's see, your last movie made us out to be a bunch of sociopathic nutbars who use albino assassin monks to kill people because our almost two-thousand years of contributing to spirituality, theology, philosophy, and history is just something a conspiracy pulled out of its ass.

SAM SLICK
I don't see the problem?

THE POPE
And as if any conspiracy would let a complete and total flake like Leonardo DaVinci be in charge. If anyone's pulled anything out of their ass it's Dan Brown and that stupid plot.

SAM SLICK
But...

THE POPE
I'm not done kiddo. And let's not forget the albino killer in your last movie. We only have one Albino monk, and Brother Guiseppe wouldn't hurt a fly, and now people are scared of him. You didn't think of poor Brother Guiseppe did you?

SAM SLICK
Well, no... but--

THE POPE
So what reason would I have to allow you to make a film that if it was about any other religion would be hounded into oblivion as racist propaganda, and poorly written propaganda at that?

SAM SLICK
I can introduce you to Tom Hanks.

THE POPE
If your bony ass isn't out of the Vatican in ten seconds, I'm going to sic the Nuns on you. Trust me, you don't want that.

NARRATOR
Will Sam Slick get his movie made? Will the Pope make good on his threat to have Slick nun thrashed? Does anyone really care? Tune in another time whenever the writer of this blog decides to another one of these stupid mini-skits.

2 comments:

  1. Nuns with rulers. ((shiver))

    ReplyDelete
  2. Have you read this book? It is a decent but dumb pot-boiler (as was The DaVinci Code), but it had the most incredibly stupid ending I have ever read.

    SPOILER ALERT!!!
    The pope pilots a helicopter that he placed a bomb in. The hero sneaks in to the chopper. The chopper is flown thousands of feet in the air, the hero jumps out using a blanket for a parachute and the chopper with the flying pope blows up.

    Hmm, I might pay to see that. Actually, I would wait for it to come on cable.

    Love your site BTW.

    ReplyDelete