Hollywood Babble On & On #116: As The Stomach Turns-- Meanwhile in Rome

FADE IN:

EXT. ST. PETER'S CATHEDRAL -- DAY

Establishing shot of St. Peter's Cathedral.

NARRATOR

Welcome back to As the Stomach Turns... In our last episode poor Essay Gee was about to get her noggin flogged by Amy P. Teepee, and we're not going to tell you what happened next. Instead we're joining movie producer Sam Slick in Rome where he has a special audience with the Pope.

INT. PAPAL MEETING ROOM -- DAY

SAM SLICK a well dressed movie producer with fashionably messy hair is standing in front of THE POPE who is sitting on his papal throne.

SAM SLICK

Our request is simple we would like to shoot some scenes from our movie in some of your churches.

THE POPE

And what kind of movie are you shooting?

SAM SLICK

It's a big budget film, strictly "A-list" all the way.

THE POPE

You still haven't answered my question.

SAM SLICK

It's a prequel to "The DaVinci Code."

The Pope does not seem impressed.

THE POPE

Really?

SAM SLICK

Yes. It's a big movie, we got Ron Howard directing and Tom Hanks in it.

THE POPE

I did enjoy "Splash."

SAM SLICK

Then you'll love this movie. It's got action, adventure, and romance.

THE POPE

Let me think about it. Hmmmmm.... no.

SAM SLICK

Why not your Holiness?

THE POPE

Gee, let's see, your last movie made us out to be a bunch of sociopathic nutbars who use albino assassin monks to kill people because our almost two-thousand years of contributing to spirituality, theology, philosophy, and history is just something a conspiracy pulled out of its ass.

SAM SLICK

I don't see the problem?

THE POPE

And as if any conspiracy would let a complete and total flake like Leonardo DaVinci be in charge. If anyone's pulled anything out of their ass it's Dan Brown and that stupid plot.

SAM SLICK

But...

THE POPE

I'm not done kiddo. And let's not forget the albino killer in your last movie. We only have one Albino monk, and Brother Guiseppe wouldn't hurt a fly, and now people are scared of him. You didn't think of poor Brother Guiseppe did you?

SAM SLICK

Well, no... but--

THE POPE

So what reason would I have to allow you to make a film that if it was about any other religion would be hounded into oblivion as racist propaganda, and poorly written propaganda at that?

SAM SLICK

I can introduce you to Tom Hanks.

THE POPE

If your bony ass isn't out of the Vatican in ten seconds, I'm going to sic the Nuns on you. Trust me, you don't want that.

NARRATOR

Will Sam Slick get his movie made? Will the Pope make good on his threat to have Slick nun thrashed? Does anyone really care? Tune in another time whenever the writer of this blog decides to another one of these stupid mini-skits.