Hollywood Babble On & On #396: A-List?

Welcome to the show folks...

A tip of my urban sombrero to reader Nate, who passed on this link to an article by Reuters, which says that Hollywood's finally starting to acknowledge something that I've been saying since the beginning of this blog.

Basically it says that the studios are realizing that the "A-List" stars that they've been lavishing multi-gazillion dollar salaries are not worth the money, and the studios are going to do something about it.

Well no shit Sherlock.

But the fact that it took a global near economic collapse, after years (if not decades) of under-performing stars shows a fundamental flaw in the way the movie business works.

That flaw is glamor.

The entertainment industry, and those in the public eye, get a hell of a lot more attention than they deserve. This attention, called glamor, hails them as being the most beautiful, talented, charismatic...yadda, yadda, in the world, and that they are somehow above the mere mortals who buy the tickets.

The problem is that glamor is an illusion.

The people that run Hollywood live in a world comprised entirely of this illusion. They are surrounded by people that either work for them, want to work for them, or are seeking some sort of grace and favor, all they hear about the people they are investing tens of millions with are the fawning pseudo coverage of the entertainment press. So they reckon that they must be important and have a large audience.

Only that's not exactly true.

If it was true then Nicole Kidman's career wouldn't the black hole that it is, and George Clooney would be able to carry a film without major co-stars or the Coen Bros. carrying him. If you go by the entertainment press, they're the biggest stars of all time, but how many people are actually willing to spend money to see them.

If it was 30 Rock and Gossip Girl would be tied for #1 in the ratings, because they get loads of attention in the media, attention way beyond their ability to attract substantial numbers of viewers.

One of the silver linings in the total collapse of the global economy is that the investors who invest in movies are now asking for something more substantial than the tax write-offs the studios have been delivering, and they're forcing the studios to tear off the veil over their eyes and accept some reality.

So what should they do?

1. Get star salaries under control. Basically, no star is worth $15-$25 million a picture unless they can somehow guarantee a minimum $500 million box office take every single time. Because those salaries add up, and make even popular films unprofitable. Now I think actors should be well paid, they do make an important contribution, but if they can't live on a max $5 million a picture and a piece of the action, then they should solve those problems before becoming a movie star.

2. Studios should stop playing silly buggers with the money. There was a time when people could have a piece of the net profits for a picture, and guess what, they'd get it. The shady accounting is the main reason why the big names demand big money up front, because they're expecting to get screwed out the back end. Stop the screwing. If you owe money, pay it.

Basically, I'm telling the movie business to accept market forces. Trim the dead weights, lower costs, widen profit margins, and make things better not only for the studios, but for the actors still capable of selling tickets.

If you have any other suggestions leave them in the comments.

Edward Woodward R.I.P.

British actor Edward Woodward passed away at age 79.

I first saw him when I was a kid in the Anglo-Australian movie Breaker Morant, where he delivered a powerhouse performance. He was best known to American audiences though for his 80s action/adventure show The Equalizer.

In The Equalizer, Woodward played Robert McCall, a retired operative for a mysterious intelligence organization who rents himself out for free to the harassed, threatened and oppressed as a vigilante.

One of the sad ironies of the old Equalizer show was that a then 55+ year old Englishman in a nattily tailored suit and impeccable manners made a more believable "tough guy" than most of the current crop of Hollywood's leading men.

He will be missed.

Hollywood Babble On & On #395: MGM What To Do?

Welcome to the show folks....

MGM got the forebearance it was asking for, landing a stay of execution until January 31, 2010. The forebearance is basically where the holders of MGM's crippling debt accept a temporary freeze on repayment while a plan is put together to make the company a viable movie studio again.

I've been dabbling in what to do with the company for quite some time, and I think I've come up with my own plan. I'll gladly implement it as the new CEO of MGM, and I'll do it for half the salary and perks of a typical Hollywood CEO in exchange for a piece of the action.

Anyhoo, here it is...

1. Swap debt for ownership. Right now every penny that comes into MGM goes to paying off the debt, and most of that goes to paying off interest. This constant outflow of cash is severely hindering the company's ability to raise fresh capital and produce new films and TV shows to make the sort of money needed to make the company viable again. I suggest that this debt be either purchased and/or consolidated, then traded for ownership in the company. The debt-holders aren't going to get the sort of money they need if the company is stripped for parts and auctioned off. It's in their interest to get the company back on its feet and producing again, so they can see some real dividends.

2. Sell off MGM. Now you're probably think I'm nuttier than a squirrel turd by saying that they shouldn't sell MGM, then I go off and say that yes they should sell MGM. I'm not crazy, I do have a plan. You see MGM is a brand best associated with classical movie history, it's not a brand associated with the sort of fresh, vital entertainment audiences will line up in front of theatres to see.

What I'm talking about is selling off the MGM name, to someone who might be able to do something with it, namely Time-Warner who currently own the "golden age" MGM library and might be willing to drop a few shekels for the complete package. The remaining company wouldn't be nameless, I suggest restructuring the company to be reborn as a new United Artists company. United Artists has been moribund so long it's pretty much a whole new brand to most moviegoers.

3. Run a tight ship. Most studios have too many cooks in their kitchen. A revived MGM/UA needs to be lean and mean to keep its costs down, not only at the head office, but in production as well. Reward prudence, punish waste.

4. Find partners. There are many people and businesses who want to invest in the movies but have either given up, or were driven out by the behavior of the major studios. They're sick and tired of seeing the films they invest in becoming big hits, only to be told that their money has gone up in smoke thanks to funky accounting and immensely bloated corporate overheads. Now how do you deal with these production partners? Straight. If the film makes money, then everyone involved makes money, it's simple business. Do the impossible, make movies that actually have net profits.

This will also attract independent filmmakers and producers looking for a distributor who will treat them with a certain amount of decency.

5. Foster fresh talent. Hollywood is in a state that's eerily similar to the one it was in during the late 1960s. They were executive heavy, with an old guard that pursues hipness, and usually fails. This new UA must be open to new talent and train them in a philosophy that they don't need to break the bank to make a simple movie, they just need a decent imagination.

In the 1960s this talent was developed under Roger Corman and American International Pictures. A new UA could fill this gap by creating a production division aimed at filling gaps in the market with lower budget films, and put someone with a sharp eye for talent in charge.

6. Keep the Bond franchise, kill the Pink Panther remakes. 'Nuff said.

Anyone with other suggestions should feel free to leave them in the comments.

Hollywood Babble On & On #394: Dear Jimmy

AN OPEN LETTER TO
JAMES CAMERON

Dear Jimmy...

Uh, gee, I'm not sure how I can put this diplomatically, because I was a big fan for a hell of a long time, but I just have to say... you're full of shit.

There, I said it, no one else would, but that's what I'm here for, to tell you what no one else will tell you.

You are full of shit.

Wow, it was easier to say a second time.

I'd say it again, but if I'm going to chip through your ego-powered force field, I'm going to have to do some explaining.

Let's start with this little statement...

"I made Titanic because I wanted to dive to a shipwreck, not because I particularly wanted to make the movie...Titanic was about 'f*ck you' money,"

Dude, do you even listen to the sounds burbling out of your flapping cake-hole?

Let's take a look at the facts of that statement:

1. Yes, you did get to dive a shipwreck, but you could have whipped up a hell of a lot smaller movie, instead of concocting a then record, but now mundane, $200 million mega-epic production.

2. If it was all about "fuck you" money then why did you make a period romantic melodrama with a sad ending, and a budget that made the odds of breaking even, let alone profiting to the level of making "fuck you" money extremely slim. If you think that you knew back then that hordes of tween girls in love with Leonardo DiCaprio's non-threatening sex appeal would buy $1.8 billion in tickets, then the shit's going to start leaking from your ears Jimmy.

3. If it was all about "fuck you" money then why did you sign away your fee and your profit participation to help cover the film's exponentially inflating budget. So if you were so prescient to predict the film's record breaking success, then why sign all that away? Were you honestly counting on the studio bosses to have a sense of shame, and using that to spur them into showering you with money?

That type of determination shows that Titanic was more of a labour of love than a simple cash grabe, so please Jimmy, don't piss in people's ears and tell them it's raining. You're only succeeding in making yourself look like an ass.

Now Jimmy, I'm not doing all this to be an asshole internet troll. This is tough love, because I thought you had some real talent, but it's looking more and more to me like those Oscars must have landed on your head and knocked out all your common sense. Your next film Avatar, is reportedly heading into theaters with $500 million in expenses hanging over it before it's released. If you're expecting the same sort of phenomenon that made Titanic so titanic, then you can't see beyond your own bullshit.

Damn it Jimmy, listen to someone who isn't trying to kiss your ass for a change before it completely destroys you.

Sincerely --

Furious D

Hollywood Babble On & On #393: It's A WW2 Movie, Only Without WW2.

Welcome to the show folks...

Warner Bros./DC Entertainment is seriously making me doubt the success of the whole restructuring deal when it starts pulling really bad ideas out of its ass.

The bad idea I'm talking about is the decision to make a movie version of the Sgt. Rock comic book as a Sci-Fi adventure.

What the fuck?

For those who aren't familiar with the character and his oeuvre, I'll do a little recap. Sgt. Rock led Easy Co. a group of battle hardened ass kickers who battled Nazis across North Africa and Europe in World War 2.

It was not a science fiction story, it was a two fisted action story. Take it out of WW2 and you have something completely different.

You have Halo, or, Xenu forbid, GI Joe, or Starship Troopers, you do not have Sgt. Rock and all you'd be doing is wasting a brand on something that will only turn out to be more expensive than if they did it straight.

Many have noticed that the success of Inglorious Bastards shows that there is a market for the sort of Nazi-smacking action that Rock specialized in. So I really don't know what's going on in the heads of those running DC Entertainment. It's like the logic exhibited when an American network purchased the remake rights to Fawlty Towers and then wrote out the main character of Basil Fawlty. What were they spending the money on?

Please Warner Bros. I'm begging you, step away from the Sgt. Rock movie. It's better to have the film remain unmade than to have the entire franchise destroyed by one really stupid decision.

Hollywood Babble On & On #392: A Brief Note About Death & Words

Welcome to the show folks...

NICK COUNTER IS DEAD...ALAS....

The Writer's Guild of America released a statement about the passing away of AMPTP honcho Nick Counter.

"The Writers Guilds of America, West and East mark the passing of Nick Counter, longtime president of the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers, and convey their deepest sympathy to his family."

Now you'd think a guild full of writers would have come up with something with a little more zing, a little more pizazz, a little more wow, because that offering was as tepid as Hollywood's recent box office stats.

Sheesh.

In case you don't remember Nick Counter was the labour lawyer contracted to run AMPTP which handles negotiating the general contracts with all the unions and guilds in Hollywood. Counter was also a shrewd tactician and tough negotiator who perfected the "sit & wait/divide & conquer" strategic combo that fostered and festered internal divisions within and between the unions, strained their resources, and drove them more or less bug-shit until the AMPTP pretty much got what they wanted.

No matter what you think of the man, or his methods, they were effective and he proved to everyone that he was very good at his job, which just happened to be driving the unions bug-shit. You can hate what he did, but you can still respect a worthy adversary who did his job as well as he did, and wish that your own leadership was as sharp as he was.

However the vibe I get from the bare-bones statement is that all the Writer's Guild leadership could bring themselves to say without slipping into four letter words.

Now I know the Writer's Strike was nasty and unpleasant, tensions were high, tempers were short, and livelihoods threatened, however, letting such emotions dictate union policy was what put the WGA in their precarious position in the first place. You have to handle labour negotiations with the sort of professional, even possibly ruthless, detachment that Counter possessed in spades.

Here's what they should have said:

"We offer our sympathies to his family and loved ones, we can't share their pain, because our relationship with him, was very different. Nick Counter was our adversary during the Writer's Strike. That's a fact. However, he was an adversary in the best way, because even someone you don't agree with can still teach you something. Nick Counter taught us in the union leadership that we must be better organized, and prepared for future negotiations, and we will be. We will miss Nick Counter, as a man, an adversary, and as a teacher, and regret that we didn't have him on our side."

Of course that might be saying too much, and maybe the unions want to have a few surprises in store for Counter's successor during the next contract negotiations.

Argh....

Sorry for the light posting this weekend. The 3 1/2 weeks I spent on the road have caught up with me, and flattened me with a wicked cold.

I hope to be posting again tomorrow.

A-CHOO!

*SNIFF*

Hollywood Babble On & On #391: The 4 Noble Truths of the Furious

Welcome to the show folks...

Two posts in one day, I'm getting back into the groove, so to speak. However, someone who doesn't appear to be in the groove is former studio exec turned producer Mark Canton.

According to the indefatigable Nikki Finke Mark Canton is alleged to be using a Los Angeles eatery for business meeting while allegedly giving no business to the eatery itself. And according to Senorita Finke's sources, when asked to order something for a change he allegedly shat out a major league hissy fit, complete with cries of "Don't you know who I am?"

If this story is true, then Mr. Canton is more in trouble than he thinks, because he's forgot some key truths about being a movie producer. They're sort of like the Four Noble Truths of the Buddha, but only really shallow, and based more on common sense than any deep philosophical knowledge...

Noble Truth # 1: The Nature of Hollywood Life is Suffering

When you're a really important Hollywood person you have to suffer the constant presence of less enlightened creatures called The Normals. The Normals are the people who feed, clothe, and otherwise service the really important Hollywood people, yet never truly understand the needs, wants, and whims of the really important Hollywood people, leading to much suffering, like having your three bean salad having a taste reminiscent of angry server piss.

Noble Truth #2: The Cause of Suffering Is Ego

Of course that suffering is really caused by the Ego of the really important Hollywood people. The are blinded by ego and think that the Normals really do exist solely to satisfy their wants and whims, and do not have such things as... oh... let's say, a restaurant to run in an age when profit margins are thinner than a Rachel Zoe client. But the Normals do have needs, and ego based blindness only serves to hurt the egoist.

Noble Truth #3: The Way of Ending Suffering

First step in the way of ending your own suffering is knowing when you're ego is going to get you into trouble. Knowing that is easy.

The moment that you are tempted to say "Do you know who I am?" is the time that you should know that you are wrong, and should shut your cake-hole.

The Second Step is to acknowledge that your business is just that, your business, not theirs and that they have their own businesses that must be taken into account. The Normals don't care about your credits, your box office totals, or if you have Julia Roberts' personal assistant on your speed-dial. They have their own lives to live, and don't need you having conniptions in their place of business. It annoys them and makes you look like an ass.

So to stop the suffering, you must stop inflicting it on yourself and others.

Noble Truth #4: How The Cessation of Suffering Can Help You Even More

Using a restaurant table or booth as an office is a Hollywood tradition that goes back to the Silent Era. However, restaurants are businesses that matter to the people in that business, and you must take that second step and acknowledge that their work matters to them.

So some sort of consideration must be made to the owners and staff of the restaurant to make your presence worth their while. Either a straight cash pay-off, some sort of rainmaker deal where you attract customers, or some other sort of barter. You're in a business, and they are in a business, and the point of a business is to make both sides of a business relationship happy.

Then comes the added bonus of being both thought of as a "good guy" by those around you, and the dramatic lowering of the urine content in your food.

But that's just the beginning.

Being good to restaurant staff is a smart business move, the same that it's smart to be good to secretaries, receptionists, and personal assistants.

Why?

Because they are human too, and humans see and hear things that you don't because most other really important Hollywood people don't really acknowledge their existence in any meaningful way. Someone who treats them with a little dignity and respect can then learn things from such people that might give them some sort of an edge in business.

Remember, business is all about people getting what they want through peaceful commerce, and in peaceful commerce, and little consideration and courtesy can go a very long way.

Hollywood Babble On & On #390: Don't Call It A Comeback!

Welcome to the show folks...

It's good to be back. It was an exhausting trip, but I'm home, and the old bed has never felt so comfortable, but enough about me, because I'm boring, let's talk business.

COMCAST WANTS THE "U" IN NBC-U, BUT NOT THE "NBC"

The word is that the deal is pretty much done for cable-giant Comcast to buy NBC-Universal, and that all that's left are the structural issues, and approval from the regulators.

What struck me was that while Comcast was keen to acquire the NBC cable holdings, and Universal studios, they are not all that keen on keeping the NBC Network itself.

That is an unbelievably hard kick in the corporate gonads for NBC, who used to be the home of "Must See TV" and housed some of the biggest hits in TV history.

Of course that's the key word, "history."

Which pretty much describes not only the network, but all the shows it airs.

Universal Pictures can be saved. It's just had a string of stinkers that a fresh attitude, the right filmmakers, a corporate shake-up, involving the reinstatement of Zombie Lew Wasserman and his feasting on the brains of the people who green-lit Land of the Lost can turn it around. NBC is a different story. It's more than just a company in trouble, it is a troubled company.

Now I'm no expert, and I'm no insider, so this is all speculation based on what I've heard, but I get an overall negative vibe from the NBC network. From what I've seen, read, and heard, there's an overall negative attitude that's sucked the life from the network, and could possibly sink it.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but my old Spidey-sense tells me that the key to getting ahead in the toxic corporate culture of NBC. At NBC you don't win promotion by making hit shows, or sleeping with your boss, you get the corner office by making everyone around you look bad. So instead of people working together to succeed, they're all running around stabbing and being stabbed in the back.

That's the feeling I get.

Now some are thinking that Comcast will jettison NBC and that Warner Bros. will pick it up to remake it in their own image. All I know, is that if NBC is going to be saved it will have to be torn down to the ground, in order to be rebuilt from the foundation up.

That's what I think, what do you think?

YES I AM STILL ALIVE!!

Welcome to the show folks...

I'd like to drop a big hello to both of my loyal readers. After 3 1/2 weeks away I have returned.

Anyhoo, long story short. I saw a lot of nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, and other assorted relatives, internet access was spotty, but now I'm back at what I do best... being an internet know-it-all jerk!

It's good to be back.