Hollywood Babble On & On #552: HULK SMASH!!

Welcome show!

Me Hulk!

Hulk fill in for Furious D!

Hulk blog about movie business!

HULK MAD!

Hulk stuck with third new actor playing Hulk in Avengers movie!

Eric Bana dumped 'cause Ang Lee make Hulk look wussy! Only make $125 million domestic!

Edward Norton from Honeymooners sign on to play Hulk in movie then the Avengers movie.

---

What you say to Hulk?

You say Hulk got wrong Ed Norton?

YOU CORRECT HULK!

HULK SMASH!

No!

Hulk must calm down!

Remember anger management class!

Calm blue ocean! Hulk want calm blue ocean!

Anyway...

Norton make movie. Movie do slightly better than last time.

Studio dump Norton.

Studio say Norton jerk!

Norton people say studio is jerk!

Now some say Joaquin Phoenix play Hulk!

Phoenix better do it right because...

HULK NO GROW BEARD & TALK GOOFY ON LETTERMAN!!!

Calm blue ocean.... calm blue ocean....

Hulk say-- WHY WE NO GET ALONG?

It movie! It not hard!

It not brain science! It not rocket surgery!

It supposed be fun!

When Hulk voice of reason, Hollywood in trouble.

What you do with Hulk movies?

Now Hulk go to tavern.

Hulk get smashed.

Saturday Silliness Cinema: More Maria Bamford

Welcome to the show folks...

Time to take a little break from my usual ranting and raving about business to have a little erratically scheduled laugh.

Today we visit my most recent comedy crush Maria Bamford, enjoy.

If you have any suggestions for this feature, let me know.

Hollywood Babble On & On #551: More Signs of Hope?

Welcome to the show folks...

I hope you enjoyed our little story time, because it's time for us to get back to business. Today, I have two more signs of potential hope. This time they don't involve litigation, at least not yet:

Peace may potentially break out in the war over Lionsgate between its management, some key shareholders, and 37%+ shareholder, hostile takeover and shareholder rights maven Carl Icahn. Deadline: Hollywood is reporting that they are now talking about some sort of peace terms, so they can explore mergers and acquisitions opportunities together.

Finally, someone is listening to me, or at least acting in a way that allows me to feed my delusion that someone actually reads this blog. When this first started I was eager for a good fight, but then I realized that the fight had the potential to do some serious damage to the company. The movie business really can't afford to lose a company right now. So I'm actually pleased to see them making an attempt to get along, and hopefully do something productive together.

As for the other sign of hope...

My little flinty fanboy heart went all aflutter when I heard that Christopher "Dark Knight" Nolan was a fan of the James Bond films, and wanted to do one himself.

If that doesn't inspire MGM to get its financial house in order, and the franchise back on its feet, then you might as well break out the shovels, because the lion doesn't have a pulse. Nolan & Co. are, by all appearances, the go-to guys for making blockbuster franchises that deliver both quality and quantity, when most just pile on the quantity.

Now I'm off to sacrifice a goat to Ba'al for MGM to clear up its debts, and get off its ass to get this movie made.

While I was against Lionsgate doing anything with MGM alone, however, a partnership with Icahn to create an independent distributor, is a different story.

Stand still goat, Ba'al doesn't like squirming.

The Case of Krazy Kooky Kastmate

Hollywood town hall was packed solid with people. The air was thick with tension, fear, and a subtle under-current of that fake tan spray that makes you look orange. Words flew through that thick air like bottles at a soccer riot. Angry words jostled with scared words, and both of them fought with the rather thin words coming from the publicists.

"We can handle this situation!" said the publicist. "It's all a matter of finding the right spin."

"How can you spin this?" asked Jodie Foster as she leaped to her feet, revealing all four feet nine inches of height. "Mel Gibson's starring in my movie, and he's going to sink it before we're even finished!"

"We can spin our way out of this," repeated the publicist. "We can keep things contained."

"How!" screamed a voice from the studio's marketing department. "Harvey Levin and TMZ are on this like stink on a Uwe Boll movie. They aren't going to let go, and the rest of the media is going to follow!"

"We are handling this," said the publicist, "Lindsay has done a lot to deflect attention!"

"Oh!" wailed Mel Gibson's first wife, "won't someone please think of the children!?! I mean we've got like twenty of them at last count. How are we going to feed, clothe, and shelter them if he goes from the A-List to the shit list?"

Now was my time to be the voice of reason. I went next to the chalkboard and ran my fingernails down it.

SCREEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!

"Ow," screamed everyone. Then the publicist turned to me and asked: "Who the hell are you?"

"Arr," I said, in my best Robert Shaw grumble, "the name is Quint, I mean Furious D. I hear you have a Mel Gibson problem."

"We do," said Jodie Foster, "what can you do about it?"

"I'm a private dick by profession," I said, leaving a pause for them to insert their own jokes about that, when they failed at improv, I went on, "but I'm also an expert hunter. I hunt wild celebrities."

"You think you can stop Mel from saying other crazy stuff?" asked the publicist.

I lit a match, went to light my cigarette, realized I didn't smoke, and had just burned my upper lip, so after a few minutes of howling, I got to the point.

"I'll stop Gibson," I said, "I'll even fillet him for free."

"We don't want him filleted," said Jodie Foster. "We want him under control."

"So it's the full neuter package then," I said, "okay, I'll do it. It won't be cheap, but I'll do it."

***

"Who the hell are you?" I asked as a bespectacled little man appeared at my door.

"The name's Eddy Eager," said the little man, "Gibson's agent sent me to assist you."

"Have you handled many crazy celebrities?" I asked.

"Not many," said Eddy, "but I did once had to drive Kate Hudson to the airport. Traffic was bad and she was slightly irritated by that."

"That's nothing," I spat, then I passed him a handkerchief to wipe off the spit, "you don't know true fear until you've looked into the eyes of a celebrity that's completely lost control. They're black eyes, like a doll's eyes... dead, soulless eyes."

"Are you ripping off Jaws?"

"Shut up," I ordered, "and grab some tools we got work to do."

***

After much work, it was ready.

"What is it?" asked Eddy, fulfilling his role as a cheap excuse for exposition.

"It's a man-sized lobster trap," I answered. "Mel Gibson will smell the bait, go inside, then he won't get out. Then I give him the medication--"

"You mean the baseball bat?"

"That's a specialized therapy and medication tool," I corrected. "Once we medicate some sense into him, we'll be able to return him to the wild."

"What will we use as bait?"

"First," I said, "we use this..." and I rolled out a keg of Foster's Australian beer. "But to sweeten the pot, we need a woman with high cheekbones, predatory eyes, and a willingness to sign a pre-nup without reading it."

"We might not be able to find someone that dumb," said Eddy.

"Big breasts will be a good substitute."

"That can be arranged."

***

After the trap was built, it was all a matter of waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

I felt like someone trying to make a movie version of The Hobbit with all the pointless waiting, and realized that I had just dropped another inside movie business reference as a joke in this bit.

Then I heard it.

A deep voice with a vaguely Australian-American accent was singing a rude ditty that somehow involved the Queen. It was him, he was on the scent of the bait.

"It's him!" said Eddy.

"I already said that in the narration," I said, damning that this story was getting all meta on me again.

Mel Gibson swayed and stumbled over the hill. He's already on the beer, and judging by his singing about Her Britannic Majesty's bloomers, in the mood for love. A beaver puppet was on his hand, and it was singing in harmony, and adding anti-Semitic additions to the ditty.

This was going to be weird.

"Is the woman ready?" I asked.

"She's inflated," answered Eddy.

"Inflated?"

"I had to improvise," said Eddy.

"It better work," I said. "Look he's approaching the trap."

"Hello gorgeous," slurred Gibson. "I see you have a keg of beer. Well I could tap that."

Gibson climbed inside the trap. I pulled a lever, and snap, he was trapped inside. I then leaped from my hiding place, and swinging my special 'medication' for Mr. Gibson.

"FREEDOM!" I screamed. Earning a puzzled look from Eddy, who was not only poor at exposition, but at getting movie references too.

***

"Okay," said the publicist, "we have in a cage, but what do we do with him now?"

The folks were circling the caged Mel Gibson, who sullenly sucked from the keg, and wiped the slobber from his mouth with now deflated companion, while the beaver puppet muttered something about 'dem joos.'

"He's made violent racist and misogynist statements," said Jodie Foster, "that will kill his career. If it were drugs, underage girls, or underage girls on drugs we could forgive it. But not this."

"Oh," said Gibson's first wife, "won't someone think of the children, I think we're up to thirty of the little bastards now."

"There is a place for him," I said, "but it's not here in Hollywood."

"Where can he go?" asked the publicist.

"Senator Robert Byrd a former Kleagle of the KKK, died over a week ago at 92," I said, "actually, he died about six months ago, but they only noticed it recently. That means there's an opening in Washington. As long as he delivers the voters a lot of goodies, they'll be more forgiving than Hollywood."

The crowd cheered, patted me on the back, and passed me a big fat check. I then signaled Eddie to fire up the hoist and load Mel onto the back of the truck. We're going to Washington.

Hollywood Babble On & On #550: Signs of Hope?

Welcome to the show folks...

Today, I'm going to talk about some signs of hope in what goes on backstage in this crazy business we call show.

DO MY EYES DOTH DECIEVETH ME?

But it looks like David Bergstein has vanished from the negotiations between Disney and Ron Tutor's partnership's bid for Miramax, replaced by former Disney CFO Richard Nanula.

What happened to Bergstein?

My guesses are:

1. Alien Abduction.

2. Went sailing in the Bermuda Triangle.

3. Swallowed by the planet during recent LA Earthquake.

4. Slipped into an alternate universe where he isn't being sued by dozens of people, companies, and guilds, and decided to stay. Only to be sacrificed by cyborg druids.

5. Resigned to work on Lindsay Lohan's appeal.

6. Was cornered in a dark alley by angry creditors.

But enough silliness. Let's get serious, okay, semi serious, there are two potentially crippling problems facing the Tutor led consortium. They are:

1. Disney.

2. The Weinstein Brothers.

Disney's corporate culture, one that demands total and complete dominance, may balk at selling Miramax to someone that might actually do something productive with it. They don't like competition, and like competition springing from something they failed at even less. So they might just put the screws to the negotiations, or to the buyers to make sure nothing gets done with Miramax that might threaten their market share.

The next problem are the Weinstein Brothers. They started it, they built it up, sold it to Disney, and then almost destroyed it before being ousted. They still own a piece of several of Miramax's key franchises, and threaten to do everything they can to make the new owners as unhappy as possible. They'll file lawsuits in every court they can, claiming every possibly tort they can, and do everything they can to make the new owners pay through their asses for any sequels, remakes or reboots.

So it's up to you if this is a sign of hope, or just business as usual.

UPDATE: The deal is done and delivered.

May God have mercy on the buyers, because Harvey won't.

TWO BIG SUITS

Don Johnson, star of Miami Vice and Nash Bridges, won $23 million from Nash Bridges production company Rysher Entertainment. Meanwhile Celador productions, the folks behind Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, and even Slumdog Millionaire won $275 million from Disney/ABC over their handling of the American version.

Now part of me says "Hey! Great, stick it to those bastards!" but another part of me, the hyper-logical part, says, don't count your chickens before the appeals court is done.

Because it's not enough to win such a lawsuit against a company. You have to survive the years, if not decades of appeals, designed to completely bankrupt you financially, emotionally, and physically, before you see one thin dime of the money the court deemed your due.

Remember, to the corporations, extending these legal fights cost pocket change, while individuals can easily go completely broke really fast. Usually the only winners are the lawyers.

Now Celador, a sub-division of the Sony empire, has the best chance of survival, and even victory. They have the deep pockets and resources for a long protracted appeal fight, plus the prize is so big, that Disney/ABC may be willing to settle to make it go away for an amount that will appease Celador and allow Disney honcho Iger look tough.

Johnson, on the other hand, is going to have a long, expensive fight ahead of him. I wish him good luck, and while it was a good sign that he won this battle, he has a long way to go before he wins the war.

Hollywood Babble On & On #549: Vicious Circles

Welcome to the show folks....

I don't normally talk about celebrity gossip, because I don't like having thousands of readers hanging on my every excretion, but I make an exception for this video with a tip of my sweat stained sombrero to Deadline: Hollywood.

Now remember, this is the same Lindsey Lohan who was just sentenced to 90 days in jail, for violating her probation for the umpteenth time who is trying to revive her dead career by agreeing to appear on a reality show about her photo-shoot, and then SHOWED UP 11 HOURS LATE.

But enough about her stupidity and unprofessional behavior, this is a business blog and I'm going to talk about how the business we call show feeds on such asinine behavior while also feeding it. The people on the show talked about how the fawning and enabling of the photo-shoot staff feeds her ego and self destructive lifestyle, but that's just scratching the surface of this vicious circle.

It all starts with:

THE STUPID CELEBRITY: Basically someone becomes famous, makes a lot of money very fast, and they automatically assume that decades of history and the laws of nature don't apply to them. They start acting like their shit doesn't stink and that it's perfectly okay for them to drink, do drugs, and break the law, with no negative consequences. They also think that their idiocy will make them more famous because of...

THE SCHADENFREUDE MEDIA: These are all the entertainment shows, tabloid magazines, newspapers, and web-sites that make big money selling the audience stories of celebrity self destruction. They are literally everywhere and they are inescapable. This leads to a false impression that some celebrities have some sort of appeal to audiences. They forget that folks are buying this crap because they like to see them fall, not to build them up. However, the non-stop 24/7 coverage and the false impression that it creates impresses the...

THE MONEY PEOPLE: The Money People think that tabloid coverage will somehow translate into sales of everything from movie tickets to cheap leggings. They don't seem to realize that the folks in flyover country wouldn't give these celebs the steam off their pee, let alone their hard earned money. When their movies or products don't sell at level equivalent to the hype, the money people decide that because they're so heavily invested in the stupid celeb, they can't just dump them, instead they need more hype, so they enable even worse unprofessional antics from their celebs, causing trouble for...

THE WORKER BEES: These are the ordinary people working in show-biz who have to put up with people acting like assholes, costing them time, and money. But they don't dare call the celebs on it, because the celeb will go to the money people, who will look at all the money they've wasted on, all the media coverage they get, think they're dealing with a real star, and shit-can the poor worker bee. So why bother rocking the boat, just kiss their asses enough to keep them from having a major league shit fit, collect their double overtime, and move onto the next job and hope that person acts like a pro.

This goes right back to the stupid celeb, who acts up even more, which feeds the schadenfreude media, which impresses the money people, who then force the worker bees to take this shit and call it ice cream. Which sets the whole bitchy cycle go over and over until someone drops dead, and a new stupid celebrity takes their place.

Now, will someone dig up something that doesn't involve an idiot celebrity for me to write about?

Hollywood Babble On & On #548: House Of Cards

Welcome to the show folks...

Well, you can knock me down with a feather and call me Jehozaphat, but according to The Wrap, David Bergstein, his chief backer Ron Tutor, and two other unidentified backers are close to a final deal to buy the moribund Miramax from Disney. If this deal works out, the man who is most likely single-handed putting the children of Hollywood's litigator community through university will run the company on behalf of his backers as a "robust distribution company."

Hopefully more robust than the approximately 75 companies Bergstein ran in one form or another, that a creditor's lawyers called "The Enron of the entertainment industry."

I have 2 points and a question about this deal if it goes through:

1. I hope Disney gets its money up front, in cash.

2. The others looking at buying Miramax will now have to wait for this new partnership to collapse in a wave of litigation, allegation and recrimination like all the others before they can make a move on it, most likely getting it from Bergstein's many angry creditors.

3. How could someone with Bergstein's record get wealthy people to back him for one other deal?

Well, I think it's because in the movie biz, he seems to be the norm.

Why?

Take a look at this piece from Deadline: Hollywood about the "net loss" from one of the Harry Potter movies, which made just shy of $1 billion at the box office. This is the self-fulfilling idiocy I've ranted on about since I started this blog. Studios play fast and loose with accounting, screwing people out of fair shares of obviously profitable films. Those who possess the tiniest amount of clout in the industry, know they're going to be screwed over, and demand massive up front fees and fat "dollar 1" gross deals that make costs skyrocket.

Guess what, it also creates an atmosphere where someone with a record of bankruptcies, lawsuits, and angry guilds can get people to back him, because in Hollywood's business community, he's the norm, not the exception.

This has turned the whole business into a financial house of cards. Right now the people who run Hollywood feel comfy in the fact that they own enough of Washington to protect them. However, if the polls for congress keep falling, and someone in a position of authority on the commerce committee to realize that dragging movie stars and greedy studio bosses to testify about the business could be what they need to get re-elected.

It's a win-win for them. Even the networks owned by the same companies as the studios can't resist coverage of Angelina Jolie testifying how she got hosed from her profit shares from Mr. & Mrs. Smith. It's also a lose-lose for Hollywood.

That's it for tonight's jeremiad.

Hollywood Babble On & On #547: 2 Quickies

Welcome to the show folks...

OH BERGSTEIN, YOU MUST LOVE DEEP HOLES

David Bergstein, the man in charge of the failing ThinkFilm/Capitol Films conglomeration loves trouble. His companies are in bankruptcy, he's literally being sued by almost everyone he's ever done business with, his plan to buy Miramax, with partner billionaire Ron Tutor can't get debt financing. Why? Because every goddamn bank that might loan them that kind of money is either suing David Bergstein, or knows someone who is.

But that's enough trouble for Mr. Bergstein. Not by a long shot. Most recently he demanded that one of the companies suing him put up a $25 million bond to cover cost in case they lose the case, a demand that the judge promptly denied.

I'd like to take a moment to speak directly to David Bergstein and ask a question:

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

I mean what the hell is going on. Your companies are bankrupt, your reputation is shot six ways to Sunday, if anyone goes into business with you, others demand they be tested for some sort of neurological condition, creditors have you surrounded, and forensic accountants are either going through your life, or about to go through it with a fine tooth comb.

You are screwed. It doesn't matter if what folks say about you are true or not, the forensic accountants will find something to nail you with. It's as inevitable as the sunrise. All the reporters, bankers, guilds, unions, and financiers can be completely wrong about you, and you can be as honest as the day is long, and you're still going to be bent over to kiss the gunner's daughter.

So why make them madder? Do you think such tactics will make them go away, or that a judge will somehow go for such tactics? Because it isn't going to work. They'll just come back at you with even more ferocity and the judge isn't going to be too pleased with you wasting the court's precious time. All this could ad up to either penury or the penal system, neither are good in any way.

Which is why I have to ask: If you are innocent, and that these are just misunderstandings born from bad business luck, then why are you trying so hard to look guilty?

WONDERFULLY WACKY WONDER WOMAN

DC is crowing that issue 600 of Wonder Woman, featuring the new costume and origin story has sold out.

Of course 90% of those sales were to journalists and media outlets who normally never buy comics, and won't ever become regular readers, but that won't stop DC from thinking their decision was brilliant.

My prediction: Within two years at the most, everything will be back to the status quo. It's the nature of the beast.

Hollywood Babble On & On #546: Has Overture Hit Its Coda?

Welcome to the show folks...

Fledgling indie studio Overture Films got a bit of a shake up the other when the people who ran it got into some sort of kerfuffle with the CEO of its parent company Starz, and depending on the source they were either fired, or they quit. Either way it doesn't matter.

What does matter is that the company is in some serious trouble. It is up for sale, but so far the only interest is from the billionaire Gores Bros, but they seem to be only interested in circling it until the price gets a little tastier for them.

So let's take a look at the Pros and Cons of keeping this company alive:

PROS:

-It's a distributor that can actually get movies into theaters. That's a rare bird these days, and pretty valuable in and of itself.

-The home video division Anchor Bay has a pretty sizable library, (2,500+ titles) including lots of movies with pretty decent cult followings, who look at the label as a sign that the film they like will get some decent treatment. (I know, owning many Anchor Bay products myself and coveting many more.)

-The sale price. Reports are going around that the whole package is available for between $100-$125 million. That's not bad for a distributor with a nice home video library tossed in.

CONS

-Overture's box office record. It's not good. None of their releases made more than $100 million domestically, it's biggest being Law Abiding Citizen at $75 million, and most underperformed to the point of stinky.

-Cost. To run the company for the first year of operation the way it is now, including releasing the remains of its slate will cost around $250 million.

Now that I look at it, the cons are things that can be overcome. Sure, any buyer would need to have deep pockets, but you shouldn't be allowed into the movie biz unless your green can make the scene.

Okay, the company is worth saving. But after it's bought, then what?

Well here are some suggestions:

1. DUMP THE NAME: Sorry, but Overture Films sounds boring and pretentious. The new company must have a new name that has some excitement to it.

2. MAKE FRIENDS: There are a lot of independent film companies that are getting pretty sick of being screwed by their distributors. Make alliances. The upcoming release of the revived Hammer Film's movie Let Me In is a good start. If the film is a hit, make sure that this relationship stays healthy. Then use that to attract other producers.

3. CONTROL COSTS: A new Overture can't compete on the level of the big studios, and shouldn't. The new company should find its own level, producing and distributing the sort of genre films that tend to have low costs and high returns.

4. REJECT THE STAR SYSTEM: 99% of the so-called A-List aren't worth the expense, the time, and the stress. Let the stories be the selling point, if a big star wants to be in one of your films, then they better do it for a price that's affordable.

5 HIRE THE RIGHT PERSON TO RUN IT: Might I suggest....

You can't blame me for trying.

Hollywood Babble On & On #545: Some Quickies

Welcome to the show folks...

THEY DO THINGS DIFFERENT IN ENGLAND

Really, they must, and I'm not talking about calling a bathroom a "loo," an elevator a "lift," and botulism "dinner." I'm talking about the relationship between the venerable British Broadcasting Corporation, it's talent, and their agents.

Apparently it got out that a recently resigned TV host was pulling in some serious millions every year, not Hollywood millions, but nothing to sneeze at, and everybody had a collective shit fit. People are apparently outraged that a public broadcaster, supported by a combo of taxpayer dollars and a "license fee" that gives you permission to own a radio and TV, would be paying so much for their on air talent. Some angry words have been spoken, and now the BBC is threatening to reveal what everybody makes, apparently against the wishes of the agents, who also aren't taking the threat seriously.

Now this is where I'm confused.

In Hollywood, the agents seem to love it when their clients land the big bucks, and brag about it from the highest mountain. So why not in England?

Anyway, when it comes to the star salaries in British television some questions have to be asked:

1. Are these salaries commensurate with the salaries offered in the private market?

2. Should these salaries be commensurate with those offered by private broadcasters when the BBC is supposed to be a public service?

3. Does the fact that the BBC suckles from the government teat unfairly warp this salary market?

4. Do the salaries paid by the BBC earn some sort of return on their investment for the BBC in the way it's expected for private broadcasters?

5. Should the BBC even try to compete with private broadcasters in the field of salaries? Shouldn't they aim more for 'do it for quality, and for Britain' deals over cash? Can they?

SPEAKING OF STAR SALARIES

Tonight Show host Jay Leno is racking up worse ratings than he did when he was first challenged by David Letterman's Late Show in the 90s, and worse ratings than Conan O'Brien's tenure.

You may remember that Leno ousted Conan from the Tonight Show simply because he was more expensive to fire than O'Brien. Now it looks like he's going to cost NBC a lot more by sticking around, dropping lame rehashed jokes, than if they just fired him when his prime-time show created a massive black hole in their ratings.

You gotta love NBC, why have just a problem, when you can have a massive disaster.

ICAHN VS LIONSGATE- THE BATTLE GOES ON

Billionaire Carl Icahn officially owns at least 33.9% of Lionsgate stock, (or almost 38% according to some) and the Lionsgate management are in full "glass half-full" mode. This buy-up activates all sorts of expensive "self-destruct" mechanisms in Lionsgate's debt covenants and management employment contracts that could cost the mini-major mega-millions, as well as setting Icahn up in a position to launch his long threatened proxy fight.

Despite reports of some Lionsgate honchos meeting with Icahn, the rhetoric, and the threats are still flying fast and furious, and it looks like this whole business is going to get very, very, expensive.