Sunday, 29 July 2007
Saturday, 21 July 2007
CHAPTER 26
6 DEGREES OF DECAPITATION
an ongoing blog-based insult to all that is good in the world
CHAPTER 26: TICK-TOCK
INT. CHOPPER --DAY
Furious D hangs up his cell phone and slides it casually into his pocket.
Furious D whips out his pistol and puts it to Traitor's head.GIGIWhat did Chloe have to say?FURIOUS DNot much, just that our friend here Agent Traitor is....PLAYFUL1Gay? Cause I was kinda getting that gay vibe thing.TRAITORI'm not gay! Why do I keep getting that?FURIOUS DNo, Agent Traitor is not gay, not that there's anything wrong with that, he's a...GIGIUnitarian?FURIOUS DNo. He's--PLAYFUL1An Amway salesman?FURIOUS DNo! He's a--TRAITOROoh! Ooh! I know this one! I'm a Pisces!
There's a shocked gasp from everyone, including Traitor.FURIOUS DHe's a traitor! Agent Traitor is a traitor! He's working for LaFarge!
Traitor shrugs.TRAITORWait a minute, are you talking about my name, or what I've been up to?FURIOUS DWhat you've been up to.TRAITORThen you've got me pegged. I've sold out my county.FURIOUS DWho? Who is behind LaFarge and his plot?
The glass of the chopper's canopy shatters and a bullet from outside hits Traitor right in the head.TRAITORI don't know. It could be Middle Eastern Terrorists, it could be some shady corporate conspiracy. It all depends on if the Fox Network gets threatened with another boycott.FURIOUS DLand this chopper. NOW!TRAITORFine. They're going to write me out anyway.FURIOUS DWhat do you mean?
Chompy the Badger leaps to the co-pilot's seat and takes control of the chopper. But something is wrong with the controls and the chopper begins to descend in a mad tailspin.FURIOUS DChompy! Take the controls!
GIGIWe're going down!FURIOUS DI should be so lucky.
GiGi whacks Furious D on the back of the head with a frying pan.
BLACKNESS
EXT. GRASSY FIELD --DAY
Furious D regains consciousness in a field. The chopper is a burning wreckage in the background.
FURIOUS DWhere does she keep that damn frying pan?
Furious D turns to see Marcel, until recently the doorman at Saccharine's high class brothel, but now his face was swathed in bandages and he was aiming a pistol at Furious D.MARCEL (OC)Welbum Fuvius T.FURIOUS DWhat?
MARCELFime gumma kibb boo.FURIOUS DWho are you? What are you saying? Are speaking French or something?MARCELI'm Marfel. Fi gant talg ryd bebuzz ob hor bajer.
Marcel's about to shoot when...FURIOUS DOh, you're Marcel, and you can't talk because Chompy chewed you up pretty bad. Where are my friends?MARCELDond nobe, dond kayr. Hube die.
Furious D throws a big rock and knocks the gun out of Marcel's hand. The two begin hand to hand combat in a flurry of masterful martial arts moves.
As Furious D battles Marcel we go into another split screen showing...
CHLOE at CTU HQ filing her nails.
GIGI walking along a wooded path, a cougar sneaking up behind her. The cougar also has a gun.
PLAYFUL1 locked in a basement tied to a chair, a time bomb showing that she's only got 5 minutes before it goes off.
CHOMPY at an Denny's ordering a coffee and a grand slam breakfast. But a man with piano wire is sneaking up behind him.
THE PRESIDENT looking concerned and presidential out the window of his Oval Office. His eyes widen as he sees a small missile heading straight for him.
GASTON LAFARGE on the toilet reading a People Magazine.
LAFARGEOh Posh Spice, why do you fascinate me?
LaFarge realizes he's on camera.
LAFARGEA little privacy please.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Wednesday, 18 July 2007
Chapter 25
6 DEGREES OF DECAPITATION
an ongoing blog-based abuse of the art of fiction
CHAPTER 25: COUNTDOWN TO DOOM!
by guest writer
JOEL SURNOW
JOEL SURNOW
(creator of TV's 24)
INTRO--
THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE
BETWEEN THE HOURS OF
6:00 AM & 7:00 AM
BETWEEN THE HOURS OF
6:00 AM & 7:00 AM
EXT. SEASIDE CLIFF --DAY (SUNRISE)
Furious D sees a large helicopter approach with a GOON hanging out the side door brandishing an assault rifle and aims it at Furious D.
Bullets zip past Furious D who nimbly dodges the shots and dives behind a rock for cover.
Bullets fly around him, but he stays steely calm.
He aims and fires.
The chopper's PILOT develops a bullet hole right in the center of his head.
The chopper pilot slumps over the controls and the helicopter slips below the edge of the cliff.
The helicopter hovers beneath Furious D, it's deadly blades spinning very deadly!
Furious D falls toward the helicopter, slips between the spinning blades and lands expertly on the roof of the helicopter.
INT. HELICOPTER --CONTINUOUS
The Goon with the gun is pulling the dead pilot off the controls of the chopper.
Then the side door opens behind him.
It's Furious D.
Furious D punches the Goon who stumbles out the other door of the helicopter and plunges to his death.
GiGi, Playful1, and Chompy T. Badger are tied up in the back of the van.
The back door opens and the girls, and the badger see Furious D.
A WOUNDED GOON is trying to crawl away from the van.
Furious D and the others come up behind him and the girls pin the Wounded Goon to the ground.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD --LATER
Two more helicopters arrive, they have the CTU logo and disgorge a platoon of black uniformed commandos who take the Wounded Goon prisoner and load him into the first chapter. CTU AGENT TRAITOR comes out of the second chopper.
Our heroes strap themselves into the back seat of the chopper and Traitor takes the pilot's seat. The chopper takes off and flies into the air.
Furious D's phone rings.
SPLIT SCREEN- FURIOUS D IN CHOPPER / CHLOE'S DESK AT CTU HQ
Bullets zip past Furious D who nimbly dodges the shots and dives behind a rock for cover.
More shots ring off the rock.FURIOUS DWhat the hell is happening? I thought this was a novel, why are we in screenplay format?SURNOW (OS)Oh, yeah, I'm not much of a novelist, so I went to a format I'm good at.FURIOUS DWon't it confuse my readers?SURNOW(OS)I'm sure both of them are plenty confused by the dog's breakfast of a plot you've been using. What the hell is with the golden budgie?
Furious D rises from behind the rock, his pistol in his hand.FURIOUS DForget that, what about the chopper?SURNOW (OS)How about a crazy, over the top stunt?FURIOUS DFine by me.
Bullets fly around him, but he stays steely calm.
He aims and fires.
The chopper's PILOT develops a bullet hole right in the center of his head.
The chopper pilot slumps over the controls and the helicopter slips below the edge of the cliff.
Furious D charges to the edge of the cliff.FURIOUS DNow's my chance!
Furious D leaps off the clip.FURIOUS DI have to time this just right!
The helicopter hovers beneath Furious D, it's deadly blades spinning very deadly!
Furious D falls toward the helicopter, slips between the spinning blades and lands expertly on the roof of the helicopter.
INT. HELICOPTER --CONTINUOUS
The Goon with the gun is pulling the dead pilot off the controls of the chopper.
Then the side door opens behind him.
It's Furious D.
POW!FURIOUS DHowdy there. Looks like you need a hand.
Furious D punches the Goon who stumbles out the other door of the helicopter and plunges to his death.
INT. BACK OF VAN --MOMENTS LATERFURIOUS DSorry, that wasn't a hand, that was a fist.
GiGi, Playful1, and Chompy T. Badger are tied up in the back of the van.
THUMP!GIGII think we're really doomed this time.PLAYFUL1If Furious D really is dead, then why is this story going on?SURNOW(OS)No guessing what's coming!GIGISo he is still alive!
The van skids to a halt. There are some gunshots outside.PLAYFUL1That sounds like a chopper landing on the roof!
The back door opens and the girls, and the badger see Furious D.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD --MOMENTS LATERFURIOUS DIt's me, Furious D!GIGIOf course it's you. It's either you, or Keifer Sutherland really let himself go.FURIOUS DHey! Surnow! Cut the editorials! Where's LaFarge & Saccharine?PLAYFUL1They must have left in another van.FURIOUS DI left one of their goons alive. Time for the torture scene!GIGICan I come, I'm a bit of a sadist.FURIOUS DWe can all come!
A WOUNDED GOON is trying to crawl away from the van.
Furious D and the others come up behind him and the girls pin the Wounded Goon to the ground.
Furious D takes out a manila envelope.FURIOUS DYou are going to talk. You have no control over that. What you can control, is how bad this is going to hurt.WOUNDED GOONI will never talk!
Furious D opens the envelope.FURIOUS DInside this picture are naked pictures of Michael Moore. If you don't tell me what I want to know, I will take them out and make you look at them.WOUNDED GOONYou're a freaking sadist!FURIOUS DTell me what I need to know!WOUNDED GOONThen tell me what you need to know!FURIOUS DWhere are LaFarge and Saccharine?
WOUNDED GOONI'll talk! I'll talk!
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD --LATER
Two more helicopters arrive, they have the CTU logo and disgorge a platoon of black uniformed commandos who take the Wounded Goon prisoner and load him into the first chapter. CTU AGENT TRAITOR comes out of the second chopper.
INT. TRAITOR'S CHOPPER --MOMENTS LATERAGENT TRAITORI'm CTU agent Traitor. I'm to take all of you back to CTU HQ, PDQ.FURIOUS DI like the sound of your jargon. And your name inspires trust. Let's go.
Our heroes strap themselves into the back seat of the chopper and Traitor takes the pilot's seat. The chopper takes off and flies into the air.
Furious D's phone rings.
FURIOUS DHello. Morty's Morgue, you stab'em we slab'em.
(to phone)
SPLIT SCREEN- FURIOUS D IN CHOPPER / CHLOE'S DESK AT CTU HQ
CHLOEIt's me, the geeky, but strangely hot Chloe. I have to tell you something. Special Agent Traitor, is a real traitor.FURIOUS DBugger.
TO BE CONTINUED:
Tuesday, 17 July 2007
The Hollywood Idiot Report!
Personally, I can see an up-side to this story...
LOVITZ BEATS DICK
(Andy that is)
Usually comedians are standing up on a stage making people laugh so hard that they fall over. But sometimes, as in Jon Lovitz's case, they're knocking people over by other means.
Last week Jon Lovitz beat the crap out of Andy Dick. It all happened at the legendary Laugh Factory, where the owner, Jamie Masada witnessed the whole thing. He told press, "Jon picked Andy up by the head and smashed him into the bar four or five times, and blood started pouring out of his nose."
The feud has been going on ever since beloved comedian Phil Hartman was killed by his flipped-out wife. Lovitz maintains that it was Dick that set the whole thing into motion. "Andy was doing cocaine, and he gave Brynn some after she had been sober for 10 years. Phil was furious about it - and then five months later he's dead," Jon told press.
Then, last year, there was a strange exchange between Dick and Lovitz. While dining out with friends, Lovitz says Dick came to his table and started trouble. "He looked at me and said, 'I put the "Phil Hartman hex" on you - you're the next one to die.' I said, 'What did you say?' and he repeated it. I wanted to punch his face in, but I don't hit women."
Then last week, the two encountered each other again. And Jon was looking for an apology from Dick. Instead he got more lip. When Lovitz asked Dick to say he was sorry, Andy replied with "do you want to be in my movie?" That was the last straw. "I grabbed him by the shirt and leaned him over and said, 'I don't want to be in your movie! I don't want to be in your life!' I pushed him against the rail. Then I pushed him again really hard. A security guard broke it up. I'm not proud of it . . . but he's a disgusting human being."
There's no word from Andy Dick, or any news of charges being filed.
I've always respected John Lovitz as a sketch comedy performer, but now I respect him as a man.
Hell, I'd have smacked Andy Dick for his act alone, but Lovitz had an even better reason to dole out the harshness.
Sunday, 15 July 2007
Jodie Foster's Shocking Secret...
Warning, the following videos have 70s clothing, production values, and music.
Chapter 24
6 DEGREES OF DECAPITATION
an ongoing literary atrocity
CHAPTER 24: Twenty-Four
an ongoing literary atrocity
CHAPTER 24: Twenty-Four
THIS CHAPTER TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 5:00 AM and 6:00 AM
On a Tuesday
But I'm not telling you which one
On a Tuesday
But I'm not telling you which one
"Where are you taking us?" asked Playful1. It was a question she wanted answered, especially since her partner in adventure and this novel's former narrator Furious D had just taken a tumble off a cliff after being shot. GiGi on the other hand had other worries.
"I hope you know that this rope is seriously wrinkling my outfit," declared GiGi in a state of vanity fueled indignation.
Chompy the Badger shook his head and shed a little badger tear for the loss of his friend, a pal with whom he had shared many adventures and more than the occasional fatal badger mauling. Deep in his heart the badger knew that his old friend had died the way he had lived, screaming and flailing his arms madly.
"There's something odd about this chapter," said Playful1 as the villainous Gaston LaFarge's goons picked her, GiGi and Chompy up to put in a large black van.
"I know," said GiGi. "It all seems so urgent."
-said the new author conveniently referring to himself in the 3rd person like the others before him.
"Where's Stephen King?" asked Playful1.
"Who are you?" asked GiGi.
"That's nice and all, but can you tell us what's happening?" asked Playful1.
The van's engine roared to life and they were sped off to points unknown.
"Double dog damn it!" howled Furious D as he pulled himself out of the thrashing waters of the bay and onto a cold hard rock. His shoulder screamed at him. Something like: "I gotta goddamn bullet in me!" but with more f-words.
Furious D looked around for something, anything he could use to treat his wound, which was also full of salty water, which naturally stung like a son-of-a-bitch being stung by angry hornets who also happen to be on fire.
Then he saw it.
It was a canvas bag lying on the nearby beach, Furious D recognized that it was more than a common bag, it was an official top-secret CTU man-purse.
Furious D got to his feet, ran to the man-purse and looked inside. In the front pocket he found a 9mm Sig Sauer automatic pistol, a cell phone, a small torch for caramelizing gourmet pastries, a pocket knife, and a pack of sterile bandages. It was everything he needed.
First Furious D drove the knife into his bullet wound. It hurt like hell was having a three-for-one sale on pain, but kept fishing around the wound for the bullet.
Bingo!
The bullet popped out and landed on the beach. Furious D then lit the small torch and heated the knife blade until it was white hot. He had to stop the bleeding, and though painful, it was the quickest way to get the job done, and Furious D was all about getting the job done fast.
"No I'm not," said Furious D. "I'm more along the lines of a using the cell phone to call an ambulance and get some morphine kind of guy."
Furious D drove the white hot blade into his gunshot wound.
"Did you hear that?" asked GiGi.
Playful1 nodded. "It sounded like a really girlish scream."
Chompy knew what that sound was and what it meant.
It meant his compadre, his muchacho, his comrade in butt-kicking was still alive.
And that meant that the folks who made him scream so girlishly were going to pay.
With interest, and penalties.
Revenge was going to be like a student loan, and Furious D would stop at nothing to collect.
When Furious D regained consciousness he was still on the beach. His shoulder wound had stopped bleeding, but it still felt like a hemorrhoid getting a rub down from Andre the Giant with large grit sandpaper.
The cell phone was ringing.
Furious D answered.
"Hello," said Furious D.
"Furious!" said Chloe the nerdy, yet strangely hot operative, from her desk at CTU HQ. "I knew we'd find you! She then turned to her supervisor and said: "And you said dropping our bags on random beaches weren't going to find him!"
"What's the sit-rep Chloe?" asked Furious D, slipping back into the chattering jargon of the job he held before he became a treasure hunting private eye vampire slayer to the stars, super butt kicking secret agent.
"What?"
"What's happening?"
"Oh," said Chloe. "Right, situation report. Well, the President needs you to find the lost Albanian Budgie before Gaston LaFarge gets it and sells it to terrorists."
"Too late," replied Furious D. "Gaston LaFarge already has the Budgie and he's also kidnapped my pet badger and two of my MySpace buddies."
"He's got Chompy?" said Chloe, unable to contain her shock. "The bastard!"
"I need a chopper ASAP," said Furious D as he ran up the beach to the main road. "I can still cut them off."
"I've got good news and I've got bad news," said Chloe. "The good new is that the radar says that there is a chopper heading right for you."
"What's the bad news?" asked Furious D.
"It's belongs to LaFarge, and it's got a lot of guns."
"Bugger."
"I hope you know that this rope is seriously wrinkling my outfit," declared GiGi in a state of vanity fueled indignation.
Chompy the Badger shook his head and shed a little badger tear for the loss of his friend, a pal with whom he had shared many adventures and more than the occasional fatal badger mauling. Deep in his heart the badger knew that his old friend had died the way he had lived, screaming and flailing his arms madly.
"There's something odd about this chapter," said Playful1 as the villainous Gaston LaFarge's goons picked her, GiGi and Chompy up to put in a large black van.
"I know," said GiGi. "It all seems so urgent."
That's me-
-said the new author conveniently referring to himself in the 3rd person like the others before him.
"Where's Stephen King?" asked Playful1.
He realized that he was wasting his time here and went off to write another best-seller.
"Who are you?" asked GiGi.
I'm Joel Surnow, the creator of the hit TV show 24. I also created the TV version of La Femme Nikita.
"That's nice and all, but can you tell us what's happening?" asked Playful1.
Sorry, can't ruin the suspense.
The van's engine roared to life and they were sped off to points unknown.
#
"Double dog damn it!" howled Furious D as he pulled himself out of the thrashing waters of the bay and onto a cold hard rock. His shoulder screamed at him. Something like: "I gotta goddamn bullet in me!" but with more f-words.
Furious D looked around for something, anything he could use to treat his wound, which was also full of salty water, which naturally stung like a son-of-a-bitch being stung by angry hornets who also happen to be on fire.
Then he saw it.
It was a canvas bag lying on the nearby beach, Furious D recognized that it was more than a common bag, it was an official top-secret CTU man-purse.
Furious D got to his feet, ran to the man-purse and looked inside. In the front pocket he found a 9mm Sig Sauer automatic pistol, a cell phone, a small torch for caramelizing gourmet pastries, a pocket knife, and a pack of sterile bandages. It was everything he needed.
First Furious D drove the knife into his bullet wound. It hurt like hell was having a three-for-one sale on pain, but kept fishing around the wound for the bullet.
Bingo!
The bullet popped out and landed on the beach. Furious D then lit the small torch and heated the knife blade until it was white hot. He had to stop the bleeding, and though painful, it was the quickest way to get the job done, and Furious D was all about getting the job done fast.
"No I'm not," said Furious D. "I'm more along the lines of a using the cell phone to call an ambulance and get some morphine kind of guy."
Don't be a pussy.
Furious D drove the white hot blade into his gunshot wound.
#
"Did you hear that?" asked GiGi.
Playful1 nodded. "It sounded like a really girlish scream."
Chompy knew what that sound was and what it meant.
It meant his compadre, his muchacho, his comrade in butt-kicking was still alive.
And that meant that the folks who made him scream so girlishly were going to pay.
With interest, and penalties.
Revenge was going to be like a student loan, and Furious D would stop at nothing to collect.
#
When Furious D regained consciousness he was still on the beach. His shoulder wound had stopped bleeding, but it still felt like a hemorrhoid getting a rub down from Andre the Giant with large grit sandpaper.
The cell phone was ringing.
Furious D answered.
"Hello," said Furious D.
"Furious!" said Chloe the nerdy, yet strangely hot operative, from her desk at CTU HQ. "I knew we'd find you! She then turned to her supervisor and said: "And you said dropping our bags on random beaches weren't going to find him!"
"What's the sit-rep Chloe?" asked Furious D, slipping back into the chattering jargon of the job he held before he became a treasure hunting private eye vampire slayer to the stars, super butt kicking secret agent.
"What?"
"What's happening?"
"Oh," said Chloe. "Right, situation report. Well, the President needs you to find the lost Albanian Budgie before Gaston LaFarge gets it and sells it to terrorists."
"Too late," replied Furious D. "Gaston LaFarge already has the Budgie and he's also kidnapped my pet badger and two of my MySpace buddies."
"He's got Chompy?" said Chloe, unable to contain her shock. "The bastard!"
"I need a chopper ASAP," said Furious D as he ran up the beach to the main road. "I can still cut them off."
"I've got good news and I've got bad news," said Chloe. "The good new is that the radar says that there is a chopper heading right for you."
"What's the bad news?" asked Furious D.
"It's belongs to LaFarge, and it's got a lot of guns."
"Bugger."
Thursday, 12 July 2007
Chapter 23
6 DEGREES OF DECAPITATION
an ongoing atrocity of a blog novel
CHAPTER 23: HOT ROD HELLFIRE HOOTENANNY
BY GUEST AUTHOR
STEPHEN KING
STEPHEN KING
"What are you going to do?" asked GiGi looking at the demoniacally possessed car that blocked their path, not only to freedom from the cursed vampire town, but also to the lost Albanian Budgie and possibly the salvation of the planet.
"Let me think back to the seven other times a satanic sedan has tried to kill me," replied Furious D.
"How come you've had so many encounters with satanically possessed cars?" asked Playful1.
"I tend to get on people's nerves," said Furious D. "Who's in the mood for some chicken?"
"Not me," answered Saccharine. "I grabbed a sandwich at the Salem's Lot Subway while we were torching the vampires."
"I wasn't talking about product placements," said Furious D, "I was talking about the game chicken."
Furious D hit the gas and sent their Buick 8 charging at the demonic car.
The devil car roared it's engine and charged.
Chompy the badger growled.
"I know it's a stupid idea," replied Furious D, "but we've tried all the smart ideas and look where they've gotten us. Now's the time to grab the brass ring of idiocy!"
The two great behemoths charged at each other, their engines roaring like hungry dragons. The demon car showed no sign of slowing down or swerving out of their way.
"Isn't a demon car indestructible?" asked GiGi.
"Yes it is," said Furious D.
"Then this is a really stupid idea," said Playful1.
"Not as stupid as what I'm about to do," said Furious D.
Furious D nudged the car ever so slightly to the left, putting it's right tires perfectly in line with a small ramp that had been mysteriously and conveniently placed in their path.
With the thump of metal our hero's Buick tipped over, riding on it's left tires. The demon car slipped right beneath them, defying the laws of physics and good storytelling, and became instantly mired in a pile of freshly scorched vampires.
"Next stop," said Furious D, "Smuggler's Crotch."
Furious D and his companions didn't know why the high cliff overlooking the Atlantic ocean was called Smuggler's Crotch. It didn't particularly look like a crotch, and smelled more like ass.
"We're here," said Furious D as he got out of the car. "Where's LaFarge meeting his pickup?"
"This is as far as you go," said Saccharine.
Furious D turned to see that three of his companions, Playful1, GiGi and Chompy were securely bound and gagged and Saccharine had a pistol in her hand.
"You're pretty fast with the rope," said Furious D.
"I have very skilled hands," said Saccharine.
"Why are you doing this?" asked Furious D.
"I'm the bad girl," said Saccharine, "I'm supposed to do the evil bitchy stuff."
"Thanks Saccharine," said Gaston LaFarge as he emerged from the shadows, a pistol in his hand. "I knew Furious D couldn't resist helping a damsel in distress, that's why I really left her in the town full of vampires, in order for her to lead you here to me."
"That's a pretty convoluted plan," said Furious D. "You could have just met me in the town."
"It's a good plan."
"Or ambushed me before I got to town," added Furious D.
"Will you shut up so I may gloat," said Gaston LaFarge. "I want you to see the stuff that dreams are made of before you die."
LaFarge reached into his voluminous black coat and pulled out a small golden bird.
"The lost Albanian Budgie," said LaFarge, "the key to ruling the world."
"Or destroying it," said Furious D. "You don't know what you've got there. One misstep and you and everyone else is done for."
"Maybe we should have Furious D translate the instructions before we kill him?" asked Seamus, Lafarge's other personality.
"No!" screamed LaFarge, "I will not let him live a moment longer to pester me!"
"You are bad at understanding instructions," added Seamus.
"That is a myth spread by my enemies!" screeched LaFarge. "Enemies like him!"
Gaston fired his pistol.
Furious D felt the bullet slam into his chest and he stumbled back into the blackness and certain death that lay over the cliff.
"Bwah-hah-hah!" laughed LaFarge as he watched his heroic nemesis plunge into the watery shadows over five hundred feet below.
"You're an arsehole," said Seamus.
"Let me think back to the seven other times a satanic sedan has tried to kill me," replied Furious D.
"How come you've had so many encounters with satanically possessed cars?" asked Playful1.
"I tend to get on people's nerves," said Furious D. "Who's in the mood for some chicken?"
"Not me," answered Saccharine. "I grabbed a sandwich at the Salem's Lot Subway while we were torching the vampires."
"I wasn't talking about product placements," said Furious D, "I was talking about the game chicken."
Furious D hit the gas and sent their Buick 8 charging at the demonic car.
The devil car roared it's engine and charged.
Chompy the badger growled.
"I know it's a stupid idea," replied Furious D, "but we've tried all the smart ideas and look where they've gotten us. Now's the time to grab the brass ring of idiocy!"
The two great behemoths charged at each other, their engines roaring like hungry dragons. The demon car showed no sign of slowing down or swerving out of their way.
"Isn't a demon car indestructible?" asked GiGi.
"Yes it is," said Furious D.
"Then this is a really stupid idea," said Playful1.
"Not as stupid as what I'm about to do," said Furious D.
Furious D nudged the car ever so slightly to the left, putting it's right tires perfectly in line with a small ramp that had been mysteriously and conveniently placed in their path.
With the thump of metal our hero's Buick tipped over, riding on it's left tires. The demon car slipped right beneath them, defying the laws of physics and good storytelling, and became instantly mired in a pile of freshly scorched vampires.
"Next stop," said Furious D, "Smuggler's Crotch."
#
Furious D and his companions didn't know why the high cliff overlooking the Atlantic ocean was called Smuggler's Crotch. It didn't particularly look like a crotch, and smelled more like ass.
"We're here," said Furious D as he got out of the car. "Where's LaFarge meeting his pickup?"
"This is as far as you go," said Saccharine.
Furious D turned to see that three of his companions, Playful1, GiGi and Chompy were securely bound and gagged and Saccharine had a pistol in her hand.
"You're pretty fast with the rope," said Furious D.
"I have very skilled hands," said Saccharine.
"Why are you doing this?" asked Furious D.
"I'm the bad girl," said Saccharine, "I'm supposed to do the evil bitchy stuff."
"Thanks Saccharine," said Gaston LaFarge as he emerged from the shadows, a pistol in his hand. "I knew Furious D couldn't resist helping a damsel in distress, that's why I really left her in the town full of vampires, in order for her to lead you here to me."
"That's a pretty convoluted plan," said Furious D. "You could have just met me in the town."
"It's a good plan."
"Or ambushed me before I got to town," added Furious D.
"Will you shut up so I may gloat," said Gaston LaFarge. "I want you to see the stuff that dreams are made of before you die."
LaFarge reached into his voluminous black coat and pulled out a small golden bird.
"The lost Albanian Budgie," said LaFarge, "the key to ruling the world."
"Or destroying it," said Furious D. "You don't know what you've got there. One misstep and you and everyone else is done for."
"Maybe we should have Furious D translate the instructions before we kill him?" asked Seamus, Lafarge's other personality.
"No!" screamed LaFarge, "I will not let him live a moment longer to pester me!"
"You are bad at understanding instructions," added Seamus.
"That is a myth spread by my enemies!" screeched LaFarge. "Enemies like him!"
Gaston fired his pistol.
Furious D felt the bullet slam into his chest and he stumbled back into the blackness and certain death that lay over the cliff.
"Bwah-hah-hah!" laughed LaFarge as he watched his heroic nemesis plunge into the watery shadows over five hundred feet below.
"You're an arsehole," said Seamus.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Monday, 9 July 2007
Chapter 22: Un-Dead in the Head
6 Degrees of Decapitation
an ongoing travesty of a blog novel
Chapter 22
Vampire, vampires everywhere, and not a drop of blood to drink
Vampire, vampires everywhere, and not a drop of blood to drink
Furious D opened the front door and let out a girlish scream of terror.
"I did not," said Furious D. "That was an ancient war cry."
"I did not," said Furious D. "That was an ancient war cry."
Sure, and I look like the bastard son of Tyrone Power.
"Let's just get on with the story," said Furious D, slamming the door shut and dragging furniture to barricade it. He was barricading the door because approximately two thousand vampires were coming, and they looked hungry, and pissed.
"We're going to need more weapons," said Furious D to GiGi, Playful1 and Chompy the Badger. "More than the unusually pointy furniture and sharp objects in this room."
"We got kinda wrapped up with the vampire smashing," said Playful1.
"We haven't checked the other rooms," said GiGi.
"We better hurry," said Furious D looking out the window at the approaching horror. "They're walking very slowly, but they aren't that far."
"I have an idea," said GiGi taking a CD from the depths of her cleavage. "Toss me that boom box."
Chompy nodded and tossed GiGi a conveniently available boom box. GiGi put in the CD, cranked up the volume, and hit play.
Michael Jackson's song Thriller echoed into the night.
"Excellent," said Furious D, "they've started dancing. That'll buy us some time."
Playful1 opened the door to the kitchen.
"It's about time you looked in here," said Saccharine, chained to the wall of the kitchen.
"Saccharine?" asked Furious D, "what are you doing here?"
"That prick LaFarge traded me to the vampires for the lost Albanian Budgie," said Saccharine. "That prick. I could understand Seamus doing something like that, but I thought Gaston and I had a connection that went beyond sex, because the sex wasn't that great."
"Where's the key for the chains?" asked Furious D. "Because we have to get out of here and stop LaFarge."
"Let him have the stupid budgie," said Playful1 as she took a key ring off a hook and tossed it to Furious D.
"You don't understand," said Furious D as he unlocked Saccharine, "the budgie is more than just a golden bird statue, in the wrong hands it can bring about the end of the world."
"But LaFarge can't be that crazy," asked GiGi, "can he?"
"He's not that crazy," answered Furious D, "but he is lousy at reading directions, and that makes him dangerous."
"Then we really need to get out of here," said Playful1. "There's some cars parked outside, but there's a bunch of dancing vampires between us."
Furious D needed weapons, weapons of mass vampiric destruction. Then he opened a door.
"Bingo!" said Furious D.
"Songs over," said one of the vampires.
"Billy Jean's coming on," said another.
"Why is the sidewalk lighting up beneath our feet," asked the first vampire.
"It's a funky effect."
"Shouldn't we be going inside to eat those mortals?"
"Oh look," said the second vampire, "the mortals are coming out."
"Uh-oh," said the first vampire. "Looks like they found Count Schmenge's closet."
Suddenly a massive wave of flame engulfed the vampires. Then another one came over, burning them to a crisp.
Furious D, Playful1, GiGi, and Saccharine, marched over the scorched bones of the vampires to the parked cars.
"You know," croaked the first vampire.
"What?" moaned the second vampire.
"Having a closet full of flamethrowers was a really bad idea."
Then there was the roar of an engine as a Buick 8 came to life and started rolling, grinding the last two vampires skulls into dust.
"Where did LaFarge go?" asked Furious D.
"Somewhere on the coast," answered Saccharine, "a place called Smuggler's Crotch."
"I know where that is," said GiGi, conveniently at the wheel. "I know a shortcut."
"Where is the shortcut?" asked Playful1.
"It's right behind that demoniacally possessed car," said GiGi, pointing to the old 1950s car with the EV1L license plate. It's engine roared with hellish fury and it's headlights glowed blood red.
"Oh bugger," said Furious D.
"We're going to need more weapons," said Furious D to GiGi, Playful1 and Chompy the Badger. "More than the unusually pointy furniture and sharp objects in this room."
"We got kinda wrapped up with the vampire smashing," said Playful1.
"We haven't checked the other rooms," said GiGi.
"We better hurry," said Furious D looking out the window at the approaching horror. "They're walking very slowly, but they aren't that far."
"I have an idea," said GiGi taking a CD from the depths of her cleavage. "Toss me that boom box."
Chompy nodded and tossed GiGi a conveniently available boom box. GiGi put in the CD, cranked up the volume, and hit play.
Michael Jackson's song Thriller echoed into the night.
"Excellent," said Furious D, "they've started dancing. That'll buy us some time."
Playful1 opened the door to the kitchen.
"It's about time you looked in here," said Saccharine, chained to the wall of the kitchen.
"Saccharine?" asked Furious D, "what are you doing here?"
"That prick LaFarge traded me to the vampires for the lost Albanian Budgie," said Saccharine. "That prick. I could understand Seamus doing something like that, but I thought Gaston and I had a connection that went beyond sex, because the sex wasn't that great."
"Where's the key for the chains?" asked Furious D. "Because we have to get out of here and stop LaFarge."
"Let him have the stupid budgie," said Playful1 as she took a key ring off a hook and tossed it to Furious D.
"You don't understand," said Furious D as he unlocked Saccharine, "the budgie is more than just a golden bird statue, in the wrong hands it can bring about the end of the world."
"But LaFarge can't be that crazy," asked GiGi, "can he?"
"He's not that crazy," answered Furious D, "but he is lousy at reading directions, and that makes him dangerous."
"Then we really need to get out of here," said Playful1. "There's some cars parked outside, but there's a bunch of dancing vampires between us."
Furious D needed weapons, weapons of mass vampiric destruction. Then he opened a door.
"Bingo!" said Furious D.
#
"Songs over," said one of the vampires.
"Billy Jean's coming on," said another.
"Why is the sidewalk lighting up beneath our feet," asked the first vampire.
"It's a funky effect."
"Shouldn't we be going inside to eat those mortals?"
"Oh look," said the second vampire, "the mortals are coming out."
"Uh-oh," said the first vampire. "Looks like they found Count Schmenge's closet."
Suddenly a massive wave of flame engulfed the vampires. Then another one came over, burning them to a crisp.
Furious D, Playful1, GiGi, and Saccharine, marched over the scorched bones of the vampires to the parked cars.
"You know," croaked the first vampire.
"What?" moaned the second vampire.
"Having a closet full of flamethrowers was a really bad idea."
Then there was the roar of an engine as a Buick 8 came to life and started rolling, grinding the last two vampires skulls into dust.
#
"Where did LaFarge go?" asked Furious D.
"Somewhere on the coast," answered Saccharine, "a place called Smuggler's Crotch."
"I know where that is," said GiGi, conveniently at the wheel. "I know a shortcut."
"Where is the shortcut?" asked Playful1.
"It's right behind that demoniacally possessed car," said GiGi, pointing to the old 1950s car with the EV1L license plate. It's engine roared with hellish fury and it's headlights glowed blood red.
"Oh bugger," said Furious D.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Saturday, 7 July 2007
Chapter 21: Hell- Oh Kitty!
6 Degrees of Decapitation
an ongoing blog novel thang
Chapter 21: Salem's Least
Special Guest Author
Stephen King
an ongoing blog novel thang
Chapter 21: Salem's Least
Special Guest Author
Stephen King
Furious D's whole body tensed, his sphincter suddenly went tighter than a miser's wallet...
"Isn't that a little too much detail?" asked Furious D of the guest author.
"Isn't that a little too much detail?" asked Furious D of the guest author.
How many best sellers have you written blog boy?
"No need to get snippy," said Furious D. "How about a hint about what's creeping around the bushes of the old Pet Cemetery?"
Now that would be too much detail.
"Fine," said Furious D in a manner that went from petulant to whiny. "And I'm not being whiny."
Furious D bent over and picked up an old mud caked spade that lying on the side of the road. At least he hoped it was mud.
"It better be mud," said Furious D to the guest author, "or you'll wish I was a truck being driven by a redneck. Now let me do something heroic."
Furious D raised the muddy spade up to strike. Whatever was lurking in the bushes
was getting closer, closer....Out came the biggest cock Furious D had ever seen!
"Not this tired old gag again?" asked Furious D, seeing the massive mutant rooster emerge from the bushes, blood and viscera dripping from it's beak. "I've already doled out the harshness on this particular piece of poultry already. Didn't you read chapters 11 and 12."
Yes. But the bird has changed. Thanks to the dark magic of the evil pet sematary it is now an undead rooster. Deadlier than ever before.
"I don't think it's that deadly," said Furious D, shaking the remains of the zombie rooster's head off the end of his shovel. "All it took was one swipe to take its head off. Oh, and by the way, that whole misspelling the word 'cemetery' is getting pretty old."
You bastard!
You killed it before I could write a big fight scene! I had it all sketched out.
You killed it before I could write a big fight scene! I had it all sketched out.
"This isn't one of your 800 page hardcover doorstops," said Furious D, "this is a blog novel, you gotta get things done quick."
Oh really?
Then I shall now quickly make you face the wrath of the entire Pet Semetary!
And yes I deliberately misspelled 'cemetery' you anal retentive prick.
Then I shall now quickly make you face the wrath of the entire Pet Semetary!
And yes I deliberately misspelled 'cemetery' you anal retentive prick.
More rustling emerged from the bushes. Furious D's heart raced as he heard dozens, if not hundred of undead paws clawing their way out of the cursed earth of the pet cemetery.
"Paws clawing?" asked Furious D, "Isn't that sentence a bit clumsy."
Furious D shook the last bits of the undead mutant rooster off the blade of his spade and raised it to strike whatever fresh terror emerged from the bushes.
"Meow."
"Aah," said Furious D, "it's a cute little kitty. Smells a bit, but it doesn't look very frightening."
THWAK!
With a mewl of protest the zombie kitten flew off of Furious D's swinging spade, through the air and splattered against the side of an old pine tree, no doubt earning nasty comments of protest from PETZA. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombie Animals)
"Sheesh Stevie," said Furious D, "this old zombie hound-dog is missing two of its legs,and looks older than the dirt it crawled out of. Well, I better put it out of its misery."
THWAK!
"This is a goldfish," said Furious D, completely unimpressed by the horrors his guest author and nemesis was providing. "What's it going to do, flap on me?"
THWAK!
"Oh my," said Furious D, as he dispatched a whole litter of zombie puppies into Doggy Heaven. "Is this the best you got?"
I can do better, in fact, I can just do the rest of the chapter without you.
"Asshole!" said Furious D, furious at being cut out of his own story.
"Hai-Yah!" bellowed Playful1 as she drove the leg of another chair into the chest of another vampire.
"In hindsight," said the vampire seconds before he crumpled into dust, "we shouldn't have had so much wooden furniture. Aaaaargh!"
Another vampire leaped at Playfuly1 as she struggled to pull the chair leg out of her latest kill's chest.
With a roar the vampire was tackled in mid-air by a furry cannonball named Chompy T. Badger. Within seconds the nosferatu's throat was torn out and it's head popped backwards like a Pez dispenser.
"Take that," declared GiGi as she swung a machete finishing the decapitation with a mighty stroke. As the vampire's head hit the floor of the old mansion, he thought that maybe decorating the walls with machetes and axes was also a bad idea.
"Is that the last of them?" asked Playful1, picking up her battle axe.
Chompy sniffed the air and nodded. There was no one else in the house but them and the dusty bones of half a dozen recently snuffed vampires.
"What a strange night," said GiGi. "We get kidnapped by a demoniacally possessed car and taken to a town full of vampires wasn't it Playful1?"
"Yeah," said Playful1, "they were going to sacrifice us to their demon lord but then we escaped. Wasn't that a daring escape Chompy?"
Chompy shrugged, since he couldn't talk, he really couldn't participate in this piece of exposition.
"How many vampires did we kill?" asked Playful1.
"About fifty, maybe sixty." answered GiGi.
"I felt like kicking some ass," said Playful1, "taking turns knocking out Furious D every time he said something obnoxious was getting long in the tooth."
Suddenly the door burst open.
"I'll save you!" bellowed Furious D as he charged into the room, his now blood and slime caked shovel ready to strike.
"We don't need saving," said Playful1.
"Yeah," added GiGi, "where were you?"
Furious D told them that he spent the night killing puppies and kittens.
"That's a lie you clam chowder sucking bastard!" yelled Furious D, realizing that the above statement was the last thing these two women wanted to hear in a room full of weapons. "They were zombie pets trying to eat me. Not very well, mind you, but they were trying."
"Well," said GiGi, "we were smacking vampires."
"There were vampires in a house full of weapons and I missed it?" asked Furious D, disappointed at missing the carnage. "You'll pay for this Stephen King!"
Playful1 then told Furious that the entire town was controlled by vampires and that they killed all sixty or so of them.
"But the sign at the edge of town says the population is over two thousand," said Furious D.
Then everything went quiet.
Quiet except for the footsteps of over two thousand vampires coming in for the kill.
"Oh somebody is just asking for trouble!"
"Paws clawing?" asked Furious D, "Isn't that sentence a bit clumsy."
I'll fix it in rewrites, now face your horrible screaming death.
Furious D shook the last bits of the undead mutant rooster off the blade of his spade and raised it to strike whatever fresh terror emerged from the bushes.
"Meow."
"Aah," said Furious D, "it's a cute little kitty. Smells a bit, but it doesn't look very frightening."
THWAK!
With a mewl of protest the zombie kitten flew off of Furious D's swinging spade, through the air and splattered against the side of an old pine tree, no doubt earning nasty comments of protest from PETZA. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombie Animals)
"Sheesh Stevie," said Furious D, "this old zombie hound-dog is missing two of its legs,and looks older than the dirt it crawled out of. Well, I better put it out of its misery."
THWAK!
"This is a goldfish," said Furious D, completely unimpressed by the horrors his guest author and nemesis was providing. "What's it going to do, flap on me?"
THWAK!
It's a pet cemetery what do think it'll have, lions and tigers and bears?
"Oh my," said Furious D, as he dispatched a whole litter of zombie puppies into Doggy Heaven. "Is this the best you got?"
I can do better, in fact, I can just do the rest of the chapter without you.
"Asshole!" said Furious D, furious at being cut out of his own story.
Yes, I know using Furious as a name and furious as a description is bad sentence structure, but I'll fix it in rewrites, all right.
Get off my damn back!
Get off my damn back!
#
"Hai-Yah!" bellowed Playful1 as she drove the leg of another chair into the chest of another vampire.
"In hindsight," said the vampire seconds before he crumpled into dust, "we shouldn't have had so much wooden furniture. Aaaaargh!"
Another vampire leaped at Playfuly1 as she struggled to pull the chair leg out of her latest kill's chest.
With a roar the vampire was tackled in mid-air by a furry cannonball named Chompy T. Badger. Within seconds the nosferatu's throat was torn out and it's head popped backwards like a Pez dispenser.
"Take that," declared GiGi as she swung a machete finishing the decapitation with a mighty stroke. As the vampire's head hit the floor of the old mansion, he thought that maybe decorating the walls with machetes and axes was also a bad idea.
"Is that the last of them?" asked Playful1, picking up her battle axe.
Chompy sniffed the air and nodded. There was no one else in the house but them and the dusty bones of half a dozen recently snuffed vampires.
"What a strange night," said GiGi. "We get kidnapped by a demoniacally possessed car and taken to a town full of vampires wasn't it Playful1?"
"Yeah," said Playful1, "they were going to sacrifice us to their demon lord but then we escaped. Wasn't that a daring escape Chompy?"
Chompy shrugged, since he couldn't talk, he really couldn't participate in this piece of exposition.
"How many vampires did we kill?" asked Playful1.
"About fifty, maybe sixty." answered GiGi.
"I felt like kicking some ass," said Playful1, "taking turns knocking out Furious D every time he said something obnoxious was getting long in the tooth."
Suddenly the door burst open.
"I'll save you!" bellowed Furious D as he charged into the room, his now blood and slime caked shovel ready to strike.
"We don't need saving," said Playful1.
"Yeah," added GiGi, "where were you?"
Furious D told them that he spent the night killing puppies and kittens.
"That's a lie you clam chowder sucking bastard!" yelled Furious D, realizing that the above statement was the last thing these two women wanted to hear in a room full of weapons. "They were zombie pets trying to eat me. Not very well, mind you, but they were trying."
"Well," said GiGi, "we were smacking vampires."
"There were vampires in a house full of weapons and I missed it?" asked Furious D, disappointed at missing the carnage. "You'll pay for this Stephen King!"
Playful1 then told Furious that the entire town was controlled by vampires and that they killed all sixty or so of them.
"But the sign at the edge of town says the population is over two thousand," said Furious D.
Then everything went quiet.
Quiet except for the footsteps of over two thousand vampires coming in for the kill.
"Oh somebody is just asking for trouble!"
TO BE CONTINUED!
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